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Are you entangled in difficult relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from old trauma?
Do you suffer from your parents' drama, your partner's demands, your boss's moods?
Abuse coaching can help you untangle your life and reclaim your freedom.

Abusers always have Excuses

Inquisition priests would torture you for the good of your soul. Sales people may manipulate you to help you buy. Employers may bully you to increase your productivity. Interviewers may pry into your life for the benefit of their organization. Most abusers will justify their abuse and violations of your trust.

Abuse is about dominance and control. Abuse may be accompanied by emotional displays, threats, lies, broken promises and humiliation. Many abusers lack emotional maturity. Many abusive adults themselves experienced abuse or emotional incest. They may try to enmesh you into their fantasies.

Abusers rarely take responsibility for their behavior. Even if confronted with clear evidence of their abuse, they may deny it, claim good intentions or blame others. Abusers often feel themselves to be victims, while everyone else is bad, stupid, or wants to hurt or cheat them. Abusers rarely change.

Although abusers hurt millions of people, relatively few cases are reported, often due to shame or lack of legal knowledge. Our systemic coach training can help you end relationship abuse and emotional blackmail, and heal the consequences of abuse in your and your family's life.

Coaching Adult Children of Difficult Parents

What is Abuse?

Physical abuse is a violent act that is carried out with the knowledge that the likely consequences of it will be physical injury or pain to another person. Examples of physical abuse are hitting, shoving, pinching, pulling hair, bruising, kicking, twisting arms, biting, restraining, scratching and slapping.

Domestic violence is the threat, attempt, or physical harm made against you or a member of your family by another family member or by someone you live with, or have lived with (as if you were related). Domestic violence may have worse consequences than physical abuse by a stranger.

Emotional abuse can include verbal abuse, intimidation, criticism, manipulation, abandonment and rejection. Emotional abuse can diminish a victim's self-confidence, self-image, trust in their own perceptions and self-worth.

Some research suggests that childhood abuse may accelerate body's ageing. A team from Brown University found the telomeres of 31 people who had reported child abuse tended to shorten more rapidly, speeding up cellular ageing. For more ...

Abuse Coaching

You are not alone. We can help you remain emotionally mature, responsible and flexible.

• Do you know when are you responsible for another person's actions?

• Can you manage (not just dissociate) your own emotions?

• Can you be alert, strong yet flexible under stress?

Abusive relationships can range from parental criticism and school-teacher sarcasm to interrogation and kidnapping. The consequences of abusive relationships can include psychosis, stress disorders (PTSD), depression, passive-aggression and anxiety.

Many cults and cult-like organizations (including some training organizations, businesses, multi-level marketing (MLM) companies, military & paramilitary groups) abuse their members. Yet many people are unable to leave these organizations because of the effectiveness of psychological coercion.

Training Abuse . Exit from Cults . Sexual Abuse

Some trainers abuse their students. Some health professionals abuse their patients. Some gurus abuse their devotees. They may prescribe programs that they would not use themselves. They may show sadism, incompetence, immaturity, identity loss or codependence ... and a need to dominate.

Abuse by Therapists . Mentor Damage . Marriage Counseling

Abusers want to intimidate and manipulate. Domestic, employee and sales abusers want to benefit personally. Interrogation, interview and elicitation specialists want information to use against you.

Many domestic and child abusers have mental health problems. They may be easily frustrated and moody, and they may not feel guilt about threatening or hurting others. They may not feel any desire or need to change their behavior - until they are in a crisis.

Abusers who want to change can acknowledge their problem, commit to stop controlling, and seek the help they need. Pressuring an abuser to change may result in passive-aggressive behavior: initial resistance followed by short-term compliance, then a delayed aggressive reaction.

Domestic Abuse & Child Abuse

Domestic abuse includes physical threats or emotional harm to relatives. Physical violence or threats may accompany hurtful communication. You may feel afraid, angry, confused and dependent. Soulwork systemic coaching can help you maintain your integrity and make healthy decisions.

This is not an exhaustive list ... some ancient methods to control family members include cults and religions. More modern methods include hypnosis or NLP.

Addictions . Child Sexual Abuse . Parent Coaching . Children of Divorce

Employee Abuse

Managers who are entangled may abuse their staff if they see their employees as substitutes for parents, partners or children. If such managers abuse their staff - they may later refer to this abuse as effective management. If the abused staff can be made to believe they are somehow deficient, they may stay bonded to their boss by their limiting beliefs.

Employees who tolerate abuse often do not understand office politics, while abusive managers are often incompetent or perfectionist. They want status, recognition, self-esteem and power. We coach managers to improve management skills, and we help employees cope with or leave difficult managers.

Managing Difficult Employees . Downsizing . Verbal Aikido

Abusive Partnerships

Some people are shocked if a partnership becomes abusive, while others may start a partnership expecting it to become abusive. Abusive people are often emotionally entangled with abusive family members or family victims. Most abuse starts with good intentions.

Couple Coaching . Predictable Partnership . Partnership Breakdown

Sales Abuse & Violation of Privacy

Some salespeople are trained to deceive, intimidate and use hypnotic language. They try to build rapport, prolong negotiation and wear down resistance until you buy something you don't want. Some abusive sellers are trained in NLP and covert hypnosis. They try to use elicitation techniques to covertly learn from you things that you may not want to share. Elicitation allows passive-aggressive people to read your mind without your permission - and then to abuse you.

To gain rapport (your compliance with their agenda), they may mirror your posture, paraphrase what you say and mimic your way of talking. They want you to trust them. They want to invade your privacy and influence your behavior.

You can prevent or stop abusive sales techniques - some simple ways are:

• If you feel stressed, leave - or make the salesperson leave
• Ask friends to be present when you make a substantial purchases
• Many abusive people rely on your desire to be nice. Maybe shout instead
• Discuss details of a contract with a trusted relative, friend or advisor before signing it

Elicitation - Detecting Lies & Deceit

You may deny, minimize and rationalize your behavior. You didn't do it, well, only once, long ago, because everybody else was doing it. People trained in elicitation expect you to lie. They ask:

1. Control questions - they want you to lie - they want to see how you lie
2. Irrelevant questions - they want to see how you tell the truth
3. Relevant questions - they carefully note how you answer

Adults who knowingly tell lies try to keep still and look at the eyes of the questioners. Self-aware liars avoid common gestures like touching their noses or hair, or shaking their heads. How to lie well is taught in many communication, sales, acting and interview-preparedness trainings.

Do you know how to control your subtle nonverbal cues, or do you allow people to violate your privacy without your consent. For example, if you try to avoid certain topics, then those topics are likely sensitive. You can learn to control your facial skin color, pupil size, perspiration and pulse. We coach people to increase their self-awareness and control their non-verbal communication.

Kidnapping & Interrogation

Interviews and elicitation are relatively gentle ways to obtain information. A primary goal of kidnapping and interrogation may be to intimidate you and cause you to age regress - to feel like a lost child. Your capture and detention may be to soften you for exploitation by a professional interrogator.

Although the United Nations Convention Against Torture prohibits the use of physical or mental pain to obtain information; you may be disconnected from your family, friends and society. Legal kidnappers may use your sexuality, family and religion against you. Illegal kidnappers may do anything they wish.

Kidnappers may replace your sense of self with a confused sense of doom. They may besiege you with illogical but horrible statements. As you try to make sense of terrible nonsense, you may say anything to end the confusion. Without preparation, you may age-regress; and behave like a distressed child.

Interrogation tactics can range from mind games to torture. Interrogators are paid to get information, and some interrogators experiment with torture, sexual humiliation, hypnosis or drugs. Some governments allow interrogation to include anything that does not cause death or damage vital organs.

Psychological Operations . Trauma & PTSD

A kidnapping is often planned for maximum shock - often in the early morning. You are expected to experience distress. If you are detained in solitary confinement, expect unpleasant hallucinations.

Summary

Our abuse coaching and coach training can help you deal with abusive situations, and you can coach people who have been abused to become more resourceful. Learn how to stay resourceful during difficult situations. Learn how to move on with your life.

Do you want to benefit from our experience?

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers, 2001-2010 All rights reserved.

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2010 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We coach and train people to define and achieve goals, to resolve emotional blocks and to improve relationships. This information is for your general knowledge only. Please consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. You must get Martyn's written permission to post or publish his work.