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Human relationships have complex
yet predictable patterns of interdependency.
I and my graduates help people resolve conflicts and emotional blocks, and enjoy better relationships.
My Coaching Philosophy
(1) I strive to understand how emotions and
relationships interact with life purpose
(2) I explore and test methods on ourselves
until I understand solutions
(3) I check my understanding in unpaid
sessions with volunteers
(4) I modify my methods for various
individual situations
(5) I condense my understanding into
articles
(6) I post the articles on the internet
(7) I offer a paid service
You are a member of many relationship systems. You
are a member of your early family, your current and past friendships,
your current and past teams, your current and past partnerships and your
regional and national cultures. Do you sometimes feel confused or
overwhelmed by your relationships?
You are
subject to the consequences of the often-contradictory and often-unknown rules of
each of your human systems. And, as all human systems are subsystems of
planetary ecosystems, you are also subject to the consequences of
environmental and systemic rules that govern the ecology of this planet.
I find that simple rules cannot provide adequate
guidance for relationships. (For example, "Be polite" has
little value when meeting visitors from others cultures - my English politeness may
be insulting to people from other cultures). Each human system has values and rules.
Understanding systemic rules can help you recognize both healthy and entangled
relationships, and change unwanted relationship habits.
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In which relationships is it
against the rules to question the rules? |
You can understand some the rules of your relationships by
observing your own relationship habits. Some of your habits follow patterns set
by family traditions and dogma. You learned many habits during childhood
and teenage experiences.
Are you happy with your habits? Can you change them?
Systems Coaching: Philosophy & Technique
It seems there are no right human behaviors and no correct
relationship philosophies. There are actions and consequences. If you want
long-term solutions for relationship problems, seek coaching from people who
understand the rules, consequences and solutions for the human systems you
live in.
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My coaching is not
about technique - it's about integrity. "Is a proposed change
in the best interest of everybody involved?" Integrity
requires that I evaluate relationship ecology first! |
Few helping professionals seek philosophy - they
usually demand technique. Yet poorly understood techniques
can lead to failure ... or worse. It seems that obsession with technique can lead to
egotism - and then to
client abuse and
therapist damage.
Obsession with technique can hurt people.
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Since I entered the world of NLP, hypnotherapy
and inspirational self-improvement, my life has changed. I definitely don't like
these changes, but I can't get out of them because they were imprinted in me on
an emotional level. |
Unskilled coaching can support short-term success ... and
long-term failure. Changing relationship behavior for short-term selfish
gains may precipitate long-term suffering. (Many decisions by
partners to abort unborn children are made oblivious of the
consequences of abortion.)
Limits to Conversation
Attempts have been made to guide, regulate and limit the
conversations that are called coaching, counseling, consulting and
therapy. The presuppositions within those codes, guidelines and regulations
reflect the goals and ambitions of the writers.
Abstract guidelines may sound warm and fuzzy, but often lack
substance. The International
Coaching Federation (ICF) attempts to define coaching relationships:
ICF Coaching Philosophy
The International Coach Federation (ICF) ...
honors the client as the expert in his/her life and work, and believes that
every client is creative, resourceful and whole.
Standing on this foundation,
the coach's responsibility is to:
- Discover, clarify, and align with
what the client wants to achieve
- Encourage client self-discovery
- Elicit client-generated solutions and
strategies
- Hold the client responsible and
accountable
From ICF Standards, revised July 2002 |
Abstract guidelines rarely provide useful guidance for
specific relationships. My long experience coaching people indicates that:
- Most people are not expert in but are
totally unaware of their own life dynamics
- Few people can access their creativity,
resourcefulness and integrity
- Nobody can truthfully discover, clarify
and align with all client goals
- Self-discovery often exposes strong unpleasant
emotions
- Client-generated solutions and strategies are
often highly unrealistic
- Many people actively avoid responsibility and accountability
My Coaching Philosophy (2005)
You can effectively coach people to
improve their relationship behavior if you have researched the causes,
benefits, choices and relationship consequences of similar behaviors
with people from similar cultural backgrounds
In my systemic coach training, people learn
from experience ...
I teach through demonstration, discussion, exercises
and feedback.
From
Soulwork Code of Conduct 2005 |
Coaching & Informed Consent
A coach, counselor or therapist can gain informed consent
before making decisions that affect a client. For us, this means that we provide
clear information about potential risks, benefits and alternative methods to
achieve a goal, or to solve a specified problem. Informed consent
requires that we discuss the risks, benefits, consequences and
alternative methods for reaching their goals.
This benefits both us and our and clients.
We are a guest of a relationship system and we are also subject to systemic consequences.
Practitioners who avoid this ethical step, who make decisions for their clients
without informed consent, risk becoming emotionally entangled with their
clients.
Practitioners who make decisions for clients may be perceived
as substitutes for parents. Although some people seem to enjoy this ... clients may respond by becoming dependent or
antagonistic, often reliving old family conflicts. The consequences show
up as relationship chaos and emotional confusion.
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If you behave in a way that your behavior could
be misconstrued, probably some people will misconstrue it. Even if you become entangled
unknowingly, it may be difficult to get out.
Take responsibility to act
responsibly. |
Some practitioners deliberately take
parental roles towards clients - and some take partner roles (perhaps in intimate
affairs). Although becoming a substitute family
member has enormous influence on both the practitioners' and clients' lives,
the unpleasant consequences of such transferences, substitutions and affairs seem
to be ignored in most training programs that I have researched.
I call attention to these risks and train my students on how
to recognize and minimize them.
Personal Philosophy & Integrity
I often help people create personal philosophies that
reflects their moral standards and integrity. A personal philosophy
influences how people understand reality ... how they make decisions, how they relate to
people and how they deal with the consequences
of their actions.
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Do you apply techniques or do you coach people?
- Are your own relationships happy and healthy?
- Do you follow a similar formula with every client?
- Do you offer people coaching, dogma or
good advice?
- With what relationship types do you claim
competence?
- Why do you want to help people change their
relationships?
- Can you predict the relationship consequences of your
advice?
- Are you offended or irritated if someone ignores your
good advice?
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Relationship Coaching: Codes of Ethics
Personal philosophies can be terribly abstract, while
practical ethics are easier to specify. A practical code of ethics
for a coach can include:
- maintain confidentiality
- offer a paid service only if competent
- clarify rules and boundaries with clients
- claim only qualifications that are possessed
- respect every member of a relationship system
- make appropriate referrals to competent professionals
- use extra safeguards for
coaching children
and young adults
How to become Whys
Coaching is a series of conversations. For my conversations
to be useful, and for changes to be beneficial and lasting, my coaching can include education about the causes of relationship habits, the
consequences of change, and how to develop appropriate
relationship skills.
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Questions that explore professional integrity
include, "What does a client want?", "What
does a client pay for?" and "What does a client
take away?" |
Systems Coaching Philosophy
I coach people to get what they want. I coach people to begin, improve, maintain and end relationships.
I train people
to recognize relationship types and patterns,
and I help people predict the consequences of specified changes.
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My coaching is about managing relationships in
human systems. A good coach can, without need or dependency,
coach people to:
- define and fulfill their responsibilities
- fulfill responsibilities to their relationship
systems
- resolve relationship transferences and
identity loss
- explore relationship consequences of individual
goals
- find lasting solutions for cross-generational
relationship habits
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My coaching is not psychotherapy - I do
not analyze your past. It is not religious - I am not
an authority on how you should live your life. It is not psychology
- I have no pre-systemic fascination with statistics. I coach people to
help them get the results they want.
Nor is my coaching medicine - I do not diagnose
medical conditions nor prescribe treatment. My coaching is not hypnosis
- I avoid manipulation. It is not counseling - I avoid giving
advice. And I am not New Age - my systemic solutions
is a prophet-free organization.
Bottom Lines
If you have an appropriate philosophy, suitable training,
quality support and a desire to live with integrity, you can help
people achieve miracles. Any lack of these qualities may cause you,
with good intentions, to increase confusion and suffering.
Client abuse and
therapist damage hurt both
coaches and clients. Learn systemic coaching from experienced
trainers who demonstrate these qualities.
Do you want to dissolve emotional blocks
and relationship issues?
Click HERE to make an appointment!
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2005-2010
All rights reserved.
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