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Philosophy of Relationship Coaching
Systemic Solutions © Martyn Carruthers

Click HERE to make an appointment!

Human relationships have complex yet predictable patterns of interdependency.
I and my graduates help people resolve conflicts and emotional blocks, and enjoy better relationships.

My Coaching Philosophy

(1) I strive to understand how emotions and relationships interact with life purpose

(2) I explore and test methods on ourselves until I understand solutions

(3) I check my understanding in unpaid sessions with volunteers

(4) I modify my methods for various individual situations

(5) I condense my understanding into articles

(6) I post the articles on the internet

(7) I offer a paid service

You are a member of many relationship systems. You are a member of your early family, your current and past friendships, your current and past teams, your current and past partnerships and your regional and national cultures. Do you sometimes feel confused or overwhelmed by your relationships?

You are subject to the consequences of the often-contradictory and often-unknown rules of each of your human systems. And, as all human systems are subsystems of planetary ecosystems, you are also subject to the consequences of environmental and systemic rules that govern the ecology of this planet.

I find that simple rules cannot provide adequate guidance for relationships. (For example, "Be polite" has little value when meeting visitors from others cultures - my English politeness may be insulting to people from other cultures). Each human system has values and rules. Understanding systemic rules can help you recognize both healthy and entangled relationships, and change unwanted relationship habits.

In which relationships is it
against the rules to question the rules?

You can understand some the rules of your relationships by observing your own relationship habits. Some of your habits follow patterns set by family traditions and dogma. You learned many habits during childhood and teenage experiences. Are you happy with your habits? Can you change them?

Systems Coaching: Philosophy & Technique

It seems there are no right human behaviors and no correct relationship philosophies. There are actions and consequences. If you want long-term solutions for relationship problems, seek coaching from people who understand the rules, consequences and solutions for the human systems you live in.

My coaching is not about technique - it's about integrity. "Is a proposed change in the best interest of everybody involved?" Integrity requires that I evaluate relationship ecology first!

Few helping professionals seek philosophy - they usually demand technique. Yet poorly understood techniques can lead to failure ... or worse. It seems that obsession with technique can lead to egotism - and then to client abuse and therapist damage. Obsession with technique can hurt people.

Since I entered the world of NLP, hypnotherapy and inspirational self-improvement, my life has changed. I definitely don't like these changes, but I can't get out of them because they were imprinted in me on an emotional level.

Unskilled coaching can support short-term success ... and long-term failure. Changing relationship behavior for short-term selfish gains may precipitate long-term suffering. (Many decisions by partners to abort unborn children are made oblivious of the consequences of abortion.)

Limits to Conversation

Attempts have been made to guide, regulate and limit the conversations that are called coaching, counseling, consulting and therapy. The presuppositions within those codes, guidelines and regulations reflect the goals and ambitions of the writers.

Abstract guidelines may sound warm and fuzzy, but often lack substance. The International Coaching Federation (ICF) attempts to define coaching relationships:

ICF Coaching Philosophy

The International Coach Federation (ICF) ... honors the client as the expert in his/her life and work, and believes that every client is creative, resourceful and whole.
Standing on this foundation, the coach's responsibility is to:

  • Discover, clarify, and align with what the client wants to achieve
  • Encourage client self-discovery
  • Elicit client-generated solutions and strategies
  • Hold the client responsible and accountable

From ICF Standards, revised July 2002

Abstract guidelines rarely provide useful guidance for specific relationships. My long experience coaching people indicates that:

  • Most people are not expert in but are totally unaware of their own life dynamics
  • Few people can access their creativity, resourcefulness and integrity
  • Nobody can truthfully discover, clarify and align with all client goals
  • Self-discovery often exposes strong unpleasant emotions
  • Client-generated solutions and strategies are often highly unrealistic
  • Many people actively avoid responsibility and accountability

My Coaching Philosophy (2005)

You can effectively coach people to improve their relationship behavior if you have researched the causes, benefits, choices and relationship consequences of similar behaviors with people from similar cultural backgrounds

In my systemic coach training, people learn from experience ...
I teach through demonstration, discussion, exercises and feedback.

From Soulwork Code of Conduct 2005

Coaching & Informed Consent

A coach, counselor or therapist can gain informed consent before making decisions that affect a client. For us, this means that we provide clear information about potential risks, benefits and alternative methods to achieve a goal, or to solve a specified problem. Informed consent requires that we discuss the risks, benefits, consequences and alternative methods for reaching their goals.

This benefits both us and our and clients. We are a guest of a relationship system and we are also subject to systemic consequences. Practitioners who avoid this ethical step, who make decisions for their clients without informed consent, risk becoming emotionally entangled with their clients.

Practitioners who make decisions for clients may be perceived as substitutes for parents. Although some people seem to enjoy this ... clients may respond by becoming dependent or antagonistic, often reliving old family conflicts. The consequences show up as relationship chaos and emotional confusion.

If you behave in a way that your behavior could be misconstrued, probably some people will misconstrue it. Even if you become entangled unknowingly, it may be difficult to get out.
Take responsibility to act responsibly.

Some practitioners deliberately take parental roles towards clients - and some take partner roles (perhaps in intimate affairs). Although becoming a substitute family member has enormous influence on both the practitioners' and clients' lives, the unpleasant consequences of such transferences, substitutions and affairs seem to be ignored in most training programs that I have researched.

I call attention to these risks and train my students on how to recognize and minimize them.

Personal Philosophy & Integrity

I often help people create personal philosophies that reflects their moral standards and integrity. A personal philosophy influences how people understand reality ... how they make decisions, how they relate to people and how they deal with the consequences of their actions.

Do you apply techniques or do you coach people?

  • Are your own relationships happy and healthy?
  • Do you follow a similar formula with every client?
  • Do you offer people coaching, dogma or good advice?
  • With what relationship types do you claim competence?
  • Why do you want to help people change their relationships?
  • Can you predict the relationship consequences of your advice?
  • Are you offended or irritated if someone ignores your good advice?

Relationship Coaching: Codes of Ethics

Personal philosophies can be terribly abstract, while practical ethics are easier to specify. A practical code of ethics for a coach can include:

  1. maintain confidentiality
  2. offer a paid service only if competent
  3. clarify rules and boundaries with clients
  4. claim only qualifications that are possessed
  5. respect every member of a relationship system
  6. make appropriate referrals to competent professionals
  7. use extra safeguards for coaching children and young adults

How to become Whys

Coaching is a series of conversations. For my conversations to be useful, and for changes to be beneficial and lasting, my coaching can include education about the causes of relationship habits, the consequences of change, and how to develop appropriate relationship skills.

Questions that explore professional integrity include, "What does a client want?", "What does a client pay for?" and "What does a client take away?"

Systems Coaching Philosophy

I coach people to get what they want. I coach people to begin, improve, maintain and end relationships. I train people to recognize relationship types and patterns, and I help people predict the consequences of specified changes.

My coaching is about managing relationships in human systems. A good coach can, without need or dependency, coach people to:

  • define and fulfill their responsibilities
  • fulfill responsibilities to their relationship systems
  • resolve relationship transferences and identity loss
  • explore relationship consequences of individual goals
  • find lasting solutions for cross-generational relationship habits

My coaching is not psychotherapy - I do not analyze your past. It is not religious - I am not an authority on how you should live your life. It is not psychology - I have no pre-systemic fascination with statistics. I coach people to help them get the results they want.

Nor is my coaching medicine - I do not diagnose medical conditions nor prescribe treatment. My coaching is not hypnosis - I avoid manipulation. It is not counseling - I avoid giving advice. And I am not New Age - my systemic solutions is a prophet-free organization.

Bottom Lines

If you have an appropriate philosophy, suitable training, quality support and a desire to live with integrity, you can help people achieve miracles. Any lack of these qualities may cause you, with good intentions, to increase confusion and suffering. Client abuse and therapist damage hurt both coaches and clients. Learn systemic coaching from experienced trainers who demonstrate these qualities.

Do you want to dissolve emotional blocks and relationship issues?

Click HERE to make an appointment!

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2005-2010 All rights reserved.


Training Centers
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England 
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SOLUTIONS for Emotional and Relationship Problems

Hawaii, USA: Dragonfly, PO Box 675, Honaunau, Hawaii, 96726 USA
London: YogaAnanda
46 Albert Road North, Reigate, Surrey RH2 9EL, UK
Europe
: Centar Angel, Trnsko 13A, 10020 Zagreb, Croatia

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Good Questions

Good Answers

Training

1. Where are you now? Assess relationship bonds and entanglements Systems 1
2. What are your life goals?  Identify your life goals ... and what blocks you Systems 2
3. How to reach your goals?  Use your conscious and unconscious resources Systems 3
4. What stops you?  Dissolve abuse and trauma to rebuild motivation Systems 4
5. What else stops you? Change your limiting beliefs to end dependence Systems 5
6. What else stops you? Resolve identity loss to recover qualities and skills Systems 6
7. What else stops you? Heal mentor damage and find quality mentorship Systems 7
8. What about your partnership? Build happy partnership (or separate peacefully) Systems 8
9. What about your children? We coach parents to resolve family problems Systems 9
10. What about your success? We coach team leaders and teams ... together Systems 10
11. What about your community? We coach community leaders and communities Systems 11
12. What about complex goals? Specialty coaching & training for unusual goals Specialty

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2010 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We help people define and achieve goals, resolve emotional blocks and improve relationships. This information is for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. Don't steal ... ask Martyn for permission to post or publish his work.