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This part 2 of an exploration the essential
differences between love and infatuation - between immature affairs and
mature partnership. I wrote this for adults who want to understand,
accept and explore relationship challenges, and want to fulfill the goal of
sharing lives together.
Wherever I teach, women seem to be generally
more mature than men, and the competition to find mature men can be fierce. Some women seem to give up, and knowingly settle for
immature or irresponsible men so that they can become mothers ... and these
women often appear
quite prepared to leave these men if the men don't or won't grow up.
Continued from Part 1:
How did your Partnership get to this?
4. Evaluate your Partnership!
Partnership conflicts and challenges are inevitable! No matter how compatible
you are - you will not agree on EVERYTHING! Mature partners must solve real
partnership problems! Both partners can choose to resolve conflicts and solve
problems - or to try and avoid or postpone conflicts. We coach motivated people
to evaluate partnership and parenthood issues as a basis for responsible decisions.
If you or your partner has sexual
issues, see Sexual Solutions
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Immature Assumptions |
Mature Evaluation |
| You assume
that your partner cannot change |
You support
your partner's development |
| You assume that
your values, fears, transferences, habits etc will not change |
You explore and
evaluate your own values, fears, transferences and habits, etc |
| You assume that
you already know your partner's values, commitments and limitations |
You explore and
evaluate your partner’s values, commitments and limitations |
| You distract yourself
and avoid discussing your own or your partner's feelings |
You stay present,
with compassion, commitment and integrity |
| You assume
that your partner is unworthy of further effort on your part |
You assess whether you
and your partner are compatible for a committed relationship |
Evaluating compatibility for
committed partnership will likely require that you compare beliefs, values, ethics,
morals and your relationship
skills. Some useful topics for comparison are:
- How do you show love?
- How do you manage money?
- What is your educational background?
- What bonds do you have to your family?
- What are your interests, sports and hobbies?
- How motivated are you to improve
relationship skills?
- What about your physical weight,
health and hygiene?
- How do you express your feelings ...
and your thoughts?
- What is your attitude to sex? Is
sex a pleasure or a duty?
- What are your ethics, morals, sense of life,
religious behavior?
5. Make Decisions!
Passive aggressive
people and immature adults may be unable to end unsuitable relationships.
If your relationship is in crisis, can you decide whether or not you
want to stay together ... and how to stay together? Can you decide to end or
change a relationship? Or do you feel stuck?
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Irresponsible |
Responsible |
| You avoid discussing your
needs and desires, or you make demands and threats |
You discuss your needs and
heartfelt desires with your partner in friendly ways |
| You withhold your thoughts and
feelings from your partner, and may share them with someone else! |
You share your thoughts
and feelings with your partner - even the uncomfortable ones |
| You dictate what
your partner should think or feel! |
You welcome your
partner's perspectives |
| You withhold the truth
and avoid commitment! |
You are truthful and
candid! |
| You cling to memories of past partners! |
You clarify your past
partnerships |
| You repeat the patterns
of your parents! |
You explore and dissolve toxic
family habits |
| You follow toxic role
models without question! |
You seek role models
for happy partnership |
| You hide your
relationship deficiencies! |
You improve your
relationship skills! |
| You want your partner to
fulfill your needs! |
You want your partnership
to make sense |
- Do you have compatible financial,
physical and economic situations?
- Do you have compatible professional,
personal and family expectations?
- Do you have compatible national, social,
educational and religious backgrounds?
- Do you both accept full responsibility
for your decisions, behavior and consequences?
6. Stay Together or Separate?
You and your partner may never consider separation – or you
may stay together while feeling emotionally separated - or one
of you may cling to the other. (If
couples in a crisis say that they want to protect their marriage - I might ask "What
marriage do you want to protect?")
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Separating requires one decision |
Partnership requires two decisions |
| Do you want to make independent
life choices? |
Can you both commit
to creating a satisfying, fulfilling partnership? |
| Do you want to resolve
life issues independently? |
Can you both
accept conflicts as opportunities to learn and develop? |
| Do you want to end
financial and economic bonds to your partner? |
Can you both work together
to create ongoing contentment and satisfaction? |
| Do you want your feelings
and emotions to be independent of your partner's behavior? |
Can you both discuss
your feelings and not-so-pleasant emotions? |
| Do you want to seek another partner? |
Can you both accept
the responsibilities of your partnership roles? |
7. Commit to Partnership - or Start Again?
Do you have the essential skills for mature, happy partnership? Do you enjoy partnership –
or do you settle for less?
Do you hope that happy partnership will magically happen -
somehow - effortlessly? Many people repeat a cycle of shallow
relationships until they have no more energy - or no more life.
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You Explore New Relationships |
You Commit to Partnership |
| Can you define what you
want and what you want to give in a partnership? |
Can you both discuss your partnership
goals and responsibilities, and how to fulfill them? |
| Can you accept yourself
as you are and commit to being true to your own values? |
Can you discuss your own and each
other’s actions, and resolve conflicts quickly? |
| Can you list what you
want to change (in yourself) and create a changework plan? |
Can you both accept reality
as it is, and work together as a team to improve it? |
| Can you list essential,
non-negotiable characteristics of an appropriate partner? |
Can you both commit to
partnership while maintaining your own interests & identities? |
| Can you consider how you
can identify and attract suitable potential partners? |
Can you both be realistic, independent
and cooperative in the evolving relationship? |
Ending a potentially wonderful relationship because one
person clings to immature expectations can be distressing.
So many people waste precious time waiting for people to develop
their potential ... or to grow up!
We help people build mature
partnerships and find lasting solutions for
partnership problems.
Is it time for mature partnership - or for
partnership breakdown?
Online Couple Coaching & Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2000-2012
All rights reserved
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