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Are you entangled in difficult relationships
or painful emotions? Do you suffer from emotional blackmail? Do you suffer from your parents'
drama, your partner's demands, your boss's moods?
We can help you untangle your
life and find emotional freedom.
Do people speak badly of you in front of others?
Emotional blackmail is abuse, usually
motivated by a desire to control. Emotional blackmailers often claim good intentions.
Victims of emotional abuse may perceive abuse as normal, although emotional abuse has
heavy consequences. We help people understand and protect themselves from
emotional abuse ... and to recognize when they are abusing others.
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Parents who fixate on their
children may be unable to maintain a healthy, happy partnership!
We can work together to clean up the mess - by
telephone or Skype.
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Relationship abuse includes excessive demands, punishment for
normal behavior, unwanted displays of attachment (love)
and withholding affection or care. The damage caused by emotional abuse often
manifests as dysfunctional relationship behavior. We coach people to regain
emotional freedom and
emotional maturity ... by telephone.
Emotional blackmail and emotional
incest are often expressions of dependence by adults obsessed with power. Most often, the real victims
of emotional abuse are children. Haven't you had enough of this? Let's work together to end the craziness
and regain freedom and dignity! Let's start with your family.
Mother's Boys
. Father-Daughter Bonds
. Parental Alienation
Where are you Now?
I composed this useful relationship table in 2003. Many
of these behaviors
could also apply to other relationships, such as relationships with friends, relatives, family, neighbors etc.
| Healthy
Partnership |
Relationship in
Crisis |
| Partners show appreciation
and gratitude
to each other |
One or both are often dissociated,
irritated, depressed or critical |
| Partners respond to most
verbal and nonverbal communications |
One or both ignore, avoid
or shorten most
communications |
| Partners review events in their
history |
They rarely review their
relationship history |
| Partners greet after time
apart and ask about each other's activities and other news |
They rarely interact when
together, without even silent intimacy |
| Partners enjoy meeting
each other's needs for passion, intimacy and commitment |
One or both often ignore or
even criticize the other's goals and needs |
| Partners discuss goals
and dreams, finding shared values and creating shared meanings. |
They rarely discuss
goals, values or
dreams |
| Partners share meals and
housework together |
They often cook, eat or clean
alone |
| Partners often go out
together |
They generally prefer to go out
alone |
| Partners create projects
which require committed cooperation |
One or both often avoid, ignore or give
small attention to shared projects |
| They wish to stay together
to enjoy sharing partnership and parenthood happiness |
One or both want to separate but
cannot because of guilt, fear or constraints |
| They respect most of each
other's choices and decisions, and politely discuss differences |
One or both show contempt
for the other's decisions and make angry demands |
| Partners want happiness
together |
One or both prefer
happiness alone |
What is Emotional Blackmail?
Emotional blackmail are attempts to influence or control by
manipulating emotions. Emotional blackmail often follows a cycle of Demands - Resistance -
Pressure - Threats - Compliance and Repetition.
Common ways that you may lose or forget your
emotional freedom are:
- You feel dominated - your life feels controlled
- You feel intimidated by unreasonable demands
- You are attacked with words, laughter or threats
- You feel manipulated by guilt, fear or compassion
Most emotional blackmailers want control - now. Blackmailers
are often anxious and insecure and may believe that they can relieve past
frustrations by changing reality, especially during a crisis such as separation
or divorce, loss of a job, illness and retirement.
You will find that many blackmailers were overprotected and did not develop confidence
in their own abilities. Preventing emotional blackmail requires your active participation,
although you may feel that you cannot resist a blackmailer's
pressure. Our telephone coaching can help you if :
- you want peace?
- you fear the blackmailer's anger?
- you need the blackmailer's approval?
- you endlessly doubt or criticize yourself?
- you blame yourself for other people's emotions?
Consequences of Emotional Blackmail on Children
Emotional blackmail, extended criticism or contempt can have
severe consequences, especially for children. Victims often become silent,
watchful, shy, preoccupied, uneasy and lonely. They may later respond with aggression
and anger to people who attempt to be friendly. These children may be later
diagnosed as having attachment disorders. They can
no longer recognize kindness.
We coach people who suffer the consequences of emotional blackmail ...
for example people who
- feel inadequate
- feel inferior or unappealing
- avoid interpersonal contacts
- fear criticism, disapproval, or rejection
- are super-sensitive to ANY critical evaluation
Abusive Victim Games
The justification for emotional blackmail is often
fear - an abuser may be afraid to lose something important (material or
immaterial) that the victim provides. This may be the loss of a room or access
to money, the loss of credibility, the loss of a partner, the loss of parenting
opportunities ... Most emotional blackmailers fear losing their power.
To gain coercion, compliance and dominance, abusers may:
- Act like victims
- Make angry threats
- Install limiting beliefs
- Block the victim's goals
- Disguise abuse as humor
- Withhold essential information
- Forget promises or agreements
- Contradict their victim's perspectives
- Invalidate their victim's reality and perceptions
- Trivialize their victims thoughts and achievements
Some abusers are helping
professionals such as doctors,
therapists and healers. (See
therapist-client codependence and mentor
damage). We can coach people to resolve most forms of abuse.
Victim Paradox
Victims may have more power than victimizers. A resourceful
person, by acting resourceless, can manipulate entire relationship systems such
as families or teams. Members of a family, team or community
may not know who are real victims. Squeaking wheels often get more grease.
Victim Identification
A symptom associated with abuse and
emotional blackmail is chronic anger.
A person (usually a child
or a junior member of an organization) may identify with a
victim and express intense and chronic anger to the victimizer, often explosively and inappropriately.
This anger may be extended and projected (transferred) onto people who remind
the victim-identified person of the victimizer.
Common symptoms of victim identification are
chronic anger and irritation, which may generalize into anger against all victimizers.
This anger may be expressed as arrogance, vandalism or terrorism.
Emotional Incest
. Identification
Telephone Coaching for Emotional Freedom
Emotional blackmail is manipulation - people (often relatives)
threaten to punish you for resisting their control. Emotional blackmailers often
know your vulnerabilities and your secrets, and they use this knowledge to gain
your compliance. We help people regain emotional freedom
and emotional maturity.
Part of the secret? You go on ... you just keep going on. We can help you make
this much easier. We can help you deal with many unpleasant consequences
of emotional blackmail and find emotional freedom. We can also help you dissolve
such consequences of abuse as ...
Do you want to change something? Ask for our Telephone Coaching
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2003-2009 All rights reserved
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