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I wrote this as a guide for people who are entangled in the difficult relationships and painful emotions often called emotional blackmail. We can help you untangle your life and find emotional freedom.

Do people speak badly of you in front of others?

I refer to emotional blackmail as abuse, usually motivated by a desire to control. Emotional blackmailers often claim good intentions. Victims of emotional abuse may perceive abuse as normal, although emotional abuse has heavy consequences. We help people understand and protect themselves from emotional abuse ... and to recognize when they are abusing others.

Relationship abuse includes excessive demands, punishment for normal behavior, unwanted displays of attachment (love) and withholding affection or care. The damage caused by emotional abuse often manifests as dysfunctional relationship behavior. We coach people to regain emotional freedom and emotional maturity ... by telephone.

Emotional blackmail and emotional incest are often expressions of dependence by adults obsessed with power. Most often, the real victims of emotional abuse are children. Haven't you had enough of this? Let's work together to end the craziness and regain freedom and dignity! Let's start with your family.

Mother's Boys . Father-Daughter Bonds . Parental Alienation

Where are you Now?

I composed this relationship table in 2003. Many of these behaviors could also apply to other relationships, such as relationships with friends, relatives, family, neighbors etc.

What is Emotional Blackmail?

Emotional blackmail are attempts to influence or control by manipulating emotions. Emotional blackmail often follows a cycle of Demands - Resistance - Pressure - Threats - Compliance & Repetition.

• You feel dominated - your life feels controlled
• You feel intimidated by unreasonable demands
• You are attacked with words, laughter or threats
• You feel manipulated by guilt, fear or compassion

Most emotional blackmailers want power. Blackmailers are often anxious and insecure and may believe that they can relieve frustration by controlling reality, especially during a crisis such as separation or divorce, loss of a job, illness or retirement.

We find that many blackmailers were overprotected and did not develop confidence in their own abilities. Preventing emotional blackmail requires your active participation, although you may feel that you cannot resist a blackmailer's pressure. We can help you if :

• you want peace?
• you fear the blackmailer's anger?
• you need the blackmailer's approval?
• you endlessly doubt or criticize yourself?
• you blame yourself for other people's emotions?

Consequences of Emotional Blackmail on Children

Emotional blackmail, extended criticism or contempt can have severe consequences, especially for children. Victims often become silent, watchful, shy, preoccupied, uneasy and lonely. They may later respond with aggression and anger to people who attempt to be friendly. These children may be later diagnosed as having attachment disorders. They can no longer recognize kindness.

We help people find solutions. Do you

Abusive Victim Games

Abusers often justify their emotional blackmail as fear - an abuser may be afraid to lose something important (material or immaterial) that the victim provides. This may be the loss of a home, access to money, the loss of credibility, the loss of a partner, the loss of parenting opportunities ... Most emotional blackmailers fear losing their power.

To gain coercion, compliance and dominance, abusers may:

1. Act like victims
2. Make angry threats
3. Install limiting beliefs
4. Block the victim's goals
5. Disguise abuse as humor
6. Withhold essential information
7. Forget promises or agreements
8. Contradict their victim's perspectives
9. Invalidate their victim's reality and perceptions
10. Trivialize their victims thoughts and achievements

Some abusers are helping professionals such as doctors, therapists and healers. (See therapist-client codependence and mentor damage). We can help people resolve most forms of abuse.

Victim Paradox

Victims often have more power than victimizers. A resourceful person, by acting resourceless, can manipulate entire relationship systems such as families, teams or communities. Members of a family, team or community may not know who are real victims. Squeaking wheels often get more grease.

Victim Identification

A symptom associated with abuse and emotional blackmail is chronic anger. A person (usually a child or a junior member of an organization) may identify with a victim and express intense and chronic anger to the victimizer, often explosively and inappropriately. This anger may be extended and projected (transferred) onto people who remind the victim-identified person of the victimizer.

Common symptoms of victim identification are chronic anger and irritation, which may generalize into anger against all victimizers. This anger may be expressed as arrogance, vandalism or terrorism.

Emotional Incest . Identification

Emotional Freedom

Emotional blackmail is manipulation - people (often relatives) threaten to punish you for resisting their control. Emotional blackmailers often know your vulnerabilities and your secrets, and they use this knowledge to gain your compliance. We help people regain emotional freedom and emotional maturity.

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2010 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We coach and train people to define and achieve goals, to resolve emotional blocks and to improve relationships. This information is for your general knowledge only. Please consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. You must get Martyn's written permission to post or publish his work.