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Emotional Blackmail & Emotional Freedom

Free Yourself of Manipulation and Compliance!
Telephone and Skype Coaching with Martyn Carruthers

Are you entangled in difficult relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from emotional blackmail? Do you suffer from your parents' drama, your partner's demands, your boss's moods?
We can help you untangle your life and find emotional freedom.

Do people speak badly of you in front of others?

Emotional blackmail is abuse, usually motivated by a desire to control. Emotional blackmailers often claim good intentions. Victims of emotional abuse may perceive abuse as normal, although emotional abuse has heavy consequences. We help people understand and protect themselves from emotional abuse ... and to recognize when they are abusing others.

Parents who fixate on their children may be unable to maintain a healthy, happy partnership!
We can work together to clean up the mess - by telephone or Skype.

Relationship abuse includes excessive demands, punishment for normal behavior, unwanted displays of attachment (love) and withholding affection or care. The damage caused by emotional abuse often manifests as dysfunctional relationship behavior. We coach people to regain emotional freedom and emotional maturity ... by telephone.

Emotional blackmail and emotional incest are often expressions of dependence by adults obsessed with power. Most often, the real victims of emotional abuse are children. Haven't you had enough of this? Let's work together to end the craziness and regain freedom and dignity! Let's start with your family.

Mother's Boys . Father-Daughter Bonds . Parental Alienation

Where are you Now?

I composed this useful relationship table  in 2003. Many of these behaviors could also apply to other relationships, such as relationships with friends, relatives, family, neighbors etc.

Healthy Partnership Relationship in Crisis
Partners show appreciation and gratitude to each other One or both are often dissociated, irritated, depressed or critical
Partners respond to most verbal and nonverbal communications One or both ignore, avoid or shorten most communications
Partners review events in their history They rarely review their relationship history
Partners greet after time apart and ask about each other's activities and other news They rarely interact when together, without even silent intimacy
Partners enjoy meeting each other's needs for passion, intimacy and commitment One or both often ignore or even criticize the other's goals and needs
Partners discuss goals and dreams, finding shared values and creating shared meanings. They rarely discuss goals, values or dreams
Partners share meals and housework together They often cook, eat or clean alone
Partners often go out together They generally prefer to go out alone
Partners create projects which require committed cooperation One or both often avoid, ignore or give small attention to shared projects
They wish to stay together to enjoy sharing partnership and parenthood happiness One or both want to separate but cannot because of guilt, fear or constraints
They respect most of each other's choices and decisions, and politely discuss differences One or both show contempt for the other's decisions and make angry demands
Partners want happiness together One or both prefer happiness alone

What is Emotional Blackmail?

Emotional blackmail are attempts to influence or control by manipulating emotions. Emotional blackmail often follows a cycle of Demands - Resistance - Pressure - Threats - Compliance and Repetition. Common ways that you may lose or forget your emotional freedom are:

  • You feel dominated - your life feels controlled
  • You feel intimidated by unreasonable demands
  • You are attacked with words, laughter or threats
  • You feel manipulated by guilt, fear or compassion

Most emotional blackmailers want control - now. Blackmailers are often anxious and insecure and may believe that they can relieve past frustrations by changing reality, especially during a crisis such as separation or divorce, loss of a job, illness and retirement.

You will find that many blackmailers were overprotected and did not develop confidence in their own abilities. Preventing emotional blackmail requires your active participation, although you may feel that you cannot resist a blackmailer's pressure. Our telephone coaching can help you if :

  • you want peace?
  • you fear the blackmailer's anger?
  • you need the blackmailer's approval?
  • you endlessly doubt or criticize yourself?
  • you blame yourself for other people's emotions?

Consequences of Emotional Blackmail on Children

Emotional blackmail, extended criticism or contempt can have severe consequences, especially for children. Victims often become silent, watchful, shy, preoccupied, uneasy and lonely. They may later respond with aggression and anger to people who attempt to be friendly. These children may be later diagnosed as having attachment disorders. They can no longer recognize kindness.

We coach people who suffer the consequences of emotional blackmail ... for example people who

  • feel inadequate
  • feel inferior or unappealing
  • avoid interpersonal contacts
  • fear criticism, disapproval, or rejection
  • are super-sensitive to ANY critical evaluation

Abusive Victim Games

The justification for emotional blackmail is often fear - an abuser may be afraid to lose something important (material or immaterial) that the victim provides. This may be the loss of a room or access to money, the loss of credibility, the loss of a partner, the loss of parenting opportunities ... Most emotional blackmailers fear losing their power.

To gain coercion, compliance and dominance, abusers may:

  1. Act like victims
  2. Make angry threats
  3. Install limiting beliefs
  4. Block the victim's goals
  5. Disguise abuse as humor
  6. Withhold essential information
  7. Forget promises or agreements
  8. Contradict their victim's perspectives
  9. Invalidate their victim's reality and perceptions
  10. Trivialize their victims thoughts and achievements

Some abusers are helping professionals such as doctors, therapists and healers. (See therapist-client codependence and mentor damage). We can coach people to resolve most forms of abuse.

Victim Paradox

Victims may have more power than victimizers. A resourceful person, by acting resourceless, can manipulate entire relationship systems such as families or teams. Members of a family, team or community may not know who are real victims. Squeaking wheels often get more grease.

Victim Identification

A symptom associated with abuse and emotional blackmail is chronic anger. A person (usually a child or a junior member of an organization) may identify with a victim and express intense and chronic anger to the victimizer, often explosively and inappropriately. This anger may be extended and projected (transferred) onto people who remind the victim-identified person of the victimizer.

Common symptoms of victim identification are chronic anger and irritation, which may generalize into anger against all victimizers. This anger may be expressed as arrogance, vandalism or terrorism.

Emotional Incest . Identification

Telephone Coaching for Emotional Freedom

Emotional blackmail is manipulation - people (often relatives) threaten to punish you for resisting their control. Emotional blackmailers often know your vulnerabilities and your secrets, and they use this knowledge to gain your compliance. We help people regain emotional freedom and emotional maturity.

Part of the secret? You go on ... you just keep going on. We can help you make this much easier. We can help you deal with many unpleasant consequences of emotional blackmail and find emotional freedom. We can also help you dissolve such consequences of abuse as ...

Do you want to change something? Ask for our Telephone Coaching

Adults who fixate on their parents may be unable to maintain healthy partnerships!
We also offer telephone coaching for Emotional Incest and Parent Alienation.

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2003-2009 All rights reserved


The Relationship Coaching Institute

 
Telephone Coaching  ...  Professional Training  ... Your Next Step
America: Dragonfly, PO Box 675, Honaunau, Hawaii, 96726 USA
Europe
: Centar Angel, Trnsko 13A, 10020 Zagreb, Croatia
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Workshop

Systemic Coach Training  (Calendar)

Systems 1 How to evaluate relationship dynamics and recognize common entanglements
Systems 2 How to define life goals, identify blocks, resolve objections & plan for success
Systems 3 How to provide or continue goalwork using interactive metaphors and Dreamwork
Systems 4 How to dissolve the consequences of abuse and trauma, and rebuild motivation
Systems 5 How to change limiting beliefs and codependence for emotional freedom
Systems 6 How to recognize and resolve identity loss: recover lost qualities and lost skills
Systems 7 How to resolve therapist or spiritual damage and provide inspirational mentorship
Systems 8 How to coach partners to build lasting happiness and avoid partnership breakdown
Systems 9 How to coach parents to resolve family problems and to achieve family goals
Systems 10 How to coach team leaders and teams to develop while solving team problems
Systems 11 How to coach communities to survive and prosper in a changing world
Specialty Advanced workshops and specialty training tailored to fulfill your goals and needs

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2009 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Solutions were primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We train people to resolve emotional blocks and improve relationships. This information is for your general knowledge only. Please consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. Link to our pages, but get Martyn's written permission to post or publish his work.

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