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I wrote this as a guide for people who are entangled
in the difficult relationships and painful emotions often called emotional blackmail.
We help people untangle their lives and find emotional freedom.
Do people speak badly of you?
Emotional blackmail is abuse.
Like other forms of abuse, it seems to be motivated by a desire to manipulate or control,
often by people who claim good
intentions. Some victims of emotional abuse may perceive their abuse as normal,
although all forms of emotional abuse have heavy consequences. We help people understand emotional
abuse, protect themselves from emotional blackmail and ... recognize when they
are abusing others.
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People who abuse others may be unable to
enjoy a healthy family!
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Emotional blackmail includes excessive demands,
punishment for normal behavior, unwanted displays of attachment (love)
and withholding affection or care. The damage caused by this emotional abuse often
manifests as dysfunctional relationship habits and suffering. We help people to gain
emotional freedom and
develop
emotional maturity.
Like covert emotional
incest, emotional blackmail often indicates dependence by people obsessed with power. Most
often, the real victims of this abuse are children. If you have had enough of
this, let's work together to end the craziness and regain freedom and dignity! Let's
start with your family.
Mother's Boys
. Father-Daughter Bonds
. Parental Alienation
Where are you Now?
I composed a simple table of partnership behavior in 2003,
then realized that these
behaviors also apply to many other relationships, such as relationships
with friends, relatives, family, neighbors etc.
| Healthy
Relationship |
Relationship in
Crisis |
| People show appreciation
and gratitude to each other |
One or both are often
dissociated, irritated, depressed or critical |
| People respond to most
verbal and nonverbal communications |
One or both ignore, avoid
or shorten most communications |
| People review events
in their history |
They rarely review their
relationship history |
| People greet after time
apart and ask about each other's activities and other news |
They rarely interact when
together, without even silent intimacy |
| People enjoy meeting
each other's needs for passion, intimacy and commitment |
One or both often ignore or
even criticize the other's goals and needs |
| People discuss goals
and dreams, finding shared values and creating shared meanings. |
They rarely discuss
goals, values or dreams |
| People share meals and
chores together |
They often cook, eat or do
chores
alone |
| People often go out
together |
They generally prefer
to go out alone |
| People create
projects which require committed cooperation |
One or both often
avoid, ignore or give small attention to shared projects |
| People wish to enjoy sharing relationship happiness
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One or both want to separate but
cannot because of guilt, fear or constraints |
| They respect most of each
other's choices and decisions, and politely discuss differences |
One or both show contempt
for the other's decisions and make angry demands |
| People want happiness
together |
One or both prefer
happiness alone |
What is Emotional Blackmail?
Emotional blackmail are attempts to influence or control by
manipulating emotions. Emotional blackmail often follows a cycle of Demands -
Resistance - Pressure - Threats - Compliance -
Repetition.
- You feel dominated - your life feels controlled
- You feel intimidated by unreasonable demands
- You are attacked with words, laughter or threats
- You feel manipulated by guilt, fear or compassion
Most emotional blackmailers want power. Blackmailers
are often anxious and insecure - they may believe that they can relieve their frustrations by
controlling other people, especially during a crisis such as separation
or divorce, loss of a job, illness or retirement. It seems that many blackmailers were overprotected and did not
develop confidence in their own abilities.
Preventing or ending emotional blackmail requires
active participation, although some people may feel that they cannot resist a
blackmailer's pressure. We can help motivated adults who :
- want peace at all costs
- fear the blackmailer's anger
- need the blackmailer's approval
- endlessly doubt or criticize themselves
- blame themselves for other people's emotions
Consequences of Emotional Blackmail on Children
Emotional blackmail, extended criticism or contempt can have
severe consequences, especially for children. Victims often become silent,
watchful, shy, preoccupied, uneasy and lonely. They may later respond with aggression
and anger to people who attempt to be friendly. Such children may be diagnosed
as having attachment disorders. They can
no longer recognize kindness.
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Adults who fixate on their
parents may be unable to maintain healthy partnerships
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We help people find solutions. Some signs are:
- people feel inadequate
- people feel inferior or unappealing
- people avoid interpersonal contacts
- people fear criticism, disapproval or rejection
- people feel upset about ANY critical evaluation
Abusive Victims
Abusers often justify their emotional blackmail with
fear - abusers are often afraid to lose something important (material
or immaterial) that their victims provide. This includes the loss of a home,
access to money, the loss of credibility, the loss of a partner, sexual
intimacy and the loss of parenting opportunities, etc. Most people who resort
to emotional blackmail fear losing some sort of power.
To gain coercion, compliance and dominance, abusers may:
- Act like victims
- Make angry threats
- Install limiting beliefs
- Block the victim's goals
- Disguise abuse as humor
- Withhold essential information
- Forget promises or agreements
- Contradict their victim's perspectives
- Invalidate their victim's reality and perceptions
- Trivialize their victims thoughts and achievements
Abusers can come from any background - most seem to learn to
abuse by watching their parents. Some abusers are helping
professionals such as doctors,
therapists and healers. (See
therapist-client codependence). We can help people resolve most forms of abuse.
Common Emotional Blackmail
- Goals (You must help me fulfill my important goals)
- Guilt (I sacrificed my life for you
... so you must do whatever I tell you.)
- Dependent / Codependent (I cannot
cope without you so you must do as I say.)
- Shared psychosis (We are united
against the world / You are my one and only true love)
- Punish (You must follow my
principles, beliefs, religion or instructions - or I will punish you)
Victim Paradox
We note that victims often have more power than
victimizers. A resourceful person, by acting resourceless, can
manipulate entire families, teams or
communities. Members of a family, team or community may not know who
are real victims. Squeaking wheels often get more grease.
A common symptom associated with abuse and
emotional blackmail is chronic anger.
A person (usually a child
or a junior member of an organization) may identify with a victim and express
intense and chronic anger to the victimizer, often explosively and inappropriately.
This anger may be extended and projected (transferred) onto people who remind
the victim-identified person of the victimizer.
Emotional Freedom
Emotional blackmail is manipulation - and the blackmailers (often relatives)
may
threaten to punish you for resisting their control. Emotional blackmailers often
know your vulnerabilities and your secrets, and they use this knowledge to gain
your compliance. We help motivated adults deal with many unpleasant consequences of
emotional blackmail and find emotional freedom.
Click HERE to make an appointment!
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2003-2010 All rights reserved
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