You can evaluate double goals by noticing whether any verbal or non-verbal incongruence is simultaneous or sequential, or whether a client displays signs of conflict when changing wish polarity. Although a client may state a goal - the underlying goal is often at at an existential or identity level, to discover "What is important to me?" or "What sort of person am I?".

The client may find two conflicting possibilities. A well-formed outcome becomes possible with the definition of a goal that fully incorporates the values of both sides of the conflict, or following an internal change of reference that rejects unwanted influences. (We refer to identity level influences as relationship bonds.)

(The "visual squash" as taught in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) can be an unhealthy choice for coaching clients to resolve conflict. This technique uses hypnotic language to "double bind" the issues in conflict. The result of this includes the re-emergence of the conflict (usually within three months) or the manifestation of the conflict as unpleasant emotions and psychosomatic symptoms).

The symptoms of identity conflict should not be confused with the symptoms of a client who constantly changes goal contexts, rather than oscillating back and fore between two polarities. This may indicate Identification, in which a person has "identified" with someone else, usually as a child.

Ecology is the Study of Congruence

You can resolve some double goals conversationally. For example, a simultaneous verbal double wish (e.g. "I want X and Y") can often be dissolved by asking the client "Which do you want first? Do you want X first so that you can Y, or do you want Y first so that you can X?"

However - this question will not make sense to a person with chronic or existential conflict. Such a person may answer "I want X so that I can Y but I want Y so that I can X", or "It's impossible".

Resolving double wishes can be complex. Sequential incongruence (e.g. A client says "I want X … no really I want Y …actually X is more important… well Y…") usually indicates that a client's conscious alternatives are only a part of, or indications of directions toward, what the client truly wants. A congruent outcome cannot be found by choosing amongst incongruent outcomes!

NLP practitioner training provides a set of questions (Meta Model) that are supposed to help people specify goals, and SMART goals (from One Minute Manager by Keith Blanchard) are useful for helping recognize well-formed outcomes (WFO). Our systemic coach training includes how to analyze goal well-formedness.

A presupposition such as "Ecology is the study of consequences" may imply that ecology can only be determined AFTER an intervention. We teach that Personal Ecology is the study of congruence.

Simultaneous conflict can be seen when a person shows opposing communications simultaneously. A common example of an incongruent goal is a person who says, "I want X" while unconsciously shaking the head to signal "No." Goals showing simultaneous conflict often take a form of one verb with two goals - "I want A and B" or "I want A and not B" etc.

Sequential incongruity can be seen when a person shows opposing communications sequentially. A common example is a person who says, "I want X" with an asymmetric posture. Goals showing sequential conflict often take the form "I want A ... no - I want B ... actually I want A ... but really I want B". Sequential goals (often accompanied by dramatic physiology changes) may be separated by a few moments to a few days.

NLP & Conflict Resolution

I (Martyn) attended a number of NLP trainer trainings: with Marilyn Atkinson's Erickson Institute, with Tad James' Advanced Neurodynamics, with Wyatt Woodsmall's Advanced Behavioral Modeling and with Steve and Connirae Andreas' NLP Comprehensive. The techniques taught for dissolving conflicts were similar ... a hypnotic integration of two visualized "parts".

Visual Squash

A NLP technique called "visual squash" is often used when coaching a client to resolve internal behavioral conflicts in which two parts (also called ego-states, complexes, partial personalities or entities) communicate simultaneously or sequentially about a proposed behavior (either the parts have different goals or both parts want the same thing and fight about HOW to get it). A NLP visual squash can resolve a two part conflict - if the coach's calibration and diagnosis are accurate.

If more than two parts involved in a conflict, we call it a complex conflict. We have noticed that the NLP visual squash used with a complex conflict may lead to withdrawal, delayed unpleasant emotions and (psycho)somatic symptoms. A sequential conflict swings between goals, and may indicate a conflict of values or identity, which seem to have three, five or seven parts with three levels of abstraction. We find that about 20% of Americans and Europeans (assessed on our private coaching and trainings) present this complex pattern of sequential incongruence.

Transcript - Resolve Complex Conflict

A person identifying with one polarity may be amnesic of decisions or actions made when identifying with the other polarity. (This may indicate multiple personality syndrome and is commonly called split personality.) Or a person identifying with one polarity may remember but deny decisions or promises that were made while that person was identifying with the other polarity.

A client's presenting issue may be an inability to make decisions, in which multiple goals are incompatible with each other. (An advantage of complex conflict is that the client can multi-track or manage many projects simultaneously. A disadvantage is that such clients may create conflicts that reflect the client's chaotic internal mindscape. Extreme examples might be clients with gorge - starve (binging) cycles. [See Eating Disorders ]

Many clients want conflicting goals. For example, a client may want a long-term stable job AND want a series of challenges with many companies. A NLP "visual squash" parts integration might motivate the client to find or create a position as a corporate troubleshooter, for example, in which both partial personalities are satisfied.

After a NLP visual squash, we have seen clients re-create their conflict, in which the conflicting desires return as conflicting obsessions. Also, some people suddenly seem to suffer physical diseases or emotional problems that sabotage attaining incongruent goals.

Do you want effective and ecological solutions for complex conflict and identity loss? Do you want to coach individuals, partners and teams to resolve complex relationship challenges? Contact us.

Martyn Carruthers:
Although I qualified as a NLP trainer many times, I stepped back from NLP when I realized that I could not fulfill the claims made by NLP trainers using the material taught during NLP training. I have since researched and developed much that I lacked then, particularly concerning goalwork, relationship ecology, systemic changework and relationship coaching, and I abandoned techniques that may damage people and their relationships.

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2009 All rights reserved.