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"When you appoint yourself judge
and jury of truth and righteousness,
you are shipwrecked by the laughter
of the gods." Albert Einstein
We offer a body, mind and spirit coaching. We see
your issues, symptoms and problems as calls to integrity and as motivation
towards quality relationships. We
offer you opportunities to explore and change your emotional reality, and to renew your
path to peace and balance.
We coach adults to enjoy more health, success
and pleasure ... to enjoy more meaning of life. The sense-of-life and rapidity inherent in
our work reflects the models that we use for healthy and unhealthy relationships.
It is not our place to judge people - rather we explore your answers to
four questions.
| Four Simple Questions |
Systemic Diagnosis |
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1. What do you want? |
Systemic
diagnosis includes goalwork, nonverbal signals, assess entanglements and
bonds, assess trauma, abuse, coaching plans, relationship
ecology ... |
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2. Where are you now? |
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3. How do you want to get what you
want?
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4. How will you test that you get what
you want?
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Few people can answer these questions in detail
without coaching, and their manner of answering provides huge
diagnostic information. Hence we can keep the
diagnostic phase of coaching to a session or two (although diagnosis is
ongoing as coaching proceeds).
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We can coach you to reconnect with
your own wisdom, to find your own answers and to rediscover your own power. We
can help you create a bridge from where you are, to where you want to be. We do not
advise you, rather we may together confront your issues, situations and
transitions. We can coach you to to make your life what you want it to be.
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When counseling couples, families or teams, etc,
we adjust these questions to support conjoint (simultaneous) coaching rather than
just counseling two or more individuals in the same room.
Transforming Relationships
Change is not easy, but it can be easier if
we learn from other people's consequences.
Yet sometimes
the longest journey is the distance between two partners!
How do you feel generally?
If a partner says that he or she feels unpleasant - ask
about the nature of the feelings and their causes. Are the feelings existential
(all the time in any context) or only sometimes in some contexts (e.g. overwork) - or triggered by
some stimulus (e.g. a spider). We often help a partner resolve individual issues
such as chronic emotions, compulsive behavior or obsessions before real couple coaching.
How do you feel about your relationship?
If you ask this to a partner alone, and again with the partner
listening - expect different answers. There are three basic possibilities ...
- If both partners feel well about their
partnership, coaching can be towards increasing individual pleasure and
mutual enjoyment. The couples build resourceful states
that they may later need when resolving conflicts and
reconciling.
- If one partner feels unwell and the other is satisfied,
we coach couples to better understand each other. This can lead to both
feeling well, or to both feeling unwell.
- If both partners feel unwell about their partnership, we
coach them to examine and resolve any current crisis, and then to evaluate their partnership
or marriage.
Quick Relationship Evaluation
This little table focuses on partnership, yet many behaviors
in the right column could also apply to many other relationship types, for
example with friends, relatives, co-workers, neighbors etc.
| Healthy
Partnership |
Relationship in
Crisis |
| Partners often show appreciation
and gratitude
to each other |
One or both are often dissociated,
irritated, depressed, critical or show contempt |
| Partners respond to most
verbal and nonverbal communications |
One or both ignore, avoid
or shorten most
communications |
| Partners review events in their
history |
They rarely review their
relationship history |
| Partners greet after time
apart and ask about each other's activities and other news |
They rarely interact when
together, without even silent intimacy |
| Partners enjoy meeting
each other's needs for passion, intimacy and commitment |
One or both often ignore or
even criticize the other's goals and needs |
| Partners discuss goals
and dreams, finding shared values and creating shared meanings. |
They rarely discuss
goals, values or
dreams |
| Partners share meals and
housework together |
One person often cooks or cleans
alone |
| Partners often go out
together |
They generally prefer to go out
alone |
| Partners create projects
which require committed cooperation |
One or both often avoid, ignore or give
small attention to shared projects |
| They wish to stay together
to enjoy sharing partnership and parenthood happiness |
One or both want to separate but
cannot because of guilt, fear or constraints |
| They respect most of each
other's choices and decisions, and politely discuss differences |
One or both show contempt
for the other's decisions and angrily demand changes |
| Partners want happiness
together |
One or both prefer
happiness alone |
- The ratio of positive to negative comments in
successful relationships is about 5 to 1, and in unsuccessful
relationships it is often below 1 to 1 (Gottman, 1999)
- Successful couples learn to create passion,
intimacy and commitment (Sternberg, 1986)
- Couples who argue more than they
make love are likely to separate (Howard & Dawes, 1976)
- More couples stay together because of entanglements
than because of love (Carruthers, 1996)
To assist a couple to develop patience, tolerance and
gratitude, you can
explain things in optimistic ways (Cameron-Bandler 1985). Identify the behaviors each
person dislikes in their partner and
then:
- Explore "What would cause me to behave in this way?"
and "What goals am I trying to reach?"
- Explore "How could I behave differently towards my
partner, if I knew the circumstances or goals that trigger that behavior?"
- Explore "Is this behavior that I dislike a
manifestation of a quality that I sometimes admire in my partner?"
- Explore "What qualities do I most enjoy in my partner?"
and "How can I express those qualities when my partner behaves in ways I
dislike?"
A partner may believe that the other partner initiates
conflict, or both partners may believe that conflict is
inevitable. We coach couples to dissolve their inner conflict, and to
understand their external behavior as systemic dynamics, rather than as
issues of manipulation or control. See Reconciliation.
Of all the hurts lovers inflict upon each other,
few are so hard to overcome
as those caused by equal justice.
Many Western couples are simply not trained to be
partners, and traditional couples or marriage counselling offers them little
help. We help couples learn and use proven ways of relating as they resolve
partnership issues and marriage problems. We coach partners how to coach
each other.
- Contact us and outline your situation
- We will normally invite you to an
initial meeting
- We attempt to meet you as soon as is practical
- We explore your goals and issues that you
wish to change
- We explore what working
together with us might be like for you
Sometimes we supervise counselors, coaches,
therapists etc, and coach them to resolve ethical and personal issues, to
use systemic diagnosis, resolve transferences, to dissolve relationship
entanglements with family and clients, and in brief relationship therapy.
(Over half of our clients are helping professionals and therapists; they come
for
personal changework and professional insight).
Unlock your
personal and career success, your relationships and your life choices.
Live an inspired passionate life!. Discover what
inspires you and why you want your goals. Contact us.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
All rights reserved 2008
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Telephone Coaching :
Private Sessions :
Professional Training :
Organizers :
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