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"When you appoint yourself judge
and jury of truth and righteousness,
you are shipwrecked by the laughter
of the gods." Albert Einstein
We offer a body, mind and spirit coaching. We see
your issues, symptoms and problems as calls to integrity and as motivation
towards quality relationships. We
offer you opportunities to explore and change your emotional reality, and to renew your
path to peace and balance.
We coach adults to enjoy more health, success
and pleasure ... to enjoy life. The sense-of-life inherent in our work reflects
the models that we use for healthy and unhealthy relationships. We can help you explore,
define and achieve what you really want.
| Sample Questions |
Systemic Diagnosis |
|
1. What do you want in your
relationship? |
Systemic
diagnosis assesses goals, nonverbal signals, entanglements and
bonds, trauma, abuse, coaching plans and relationship
ecology ... |
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2. How are you both now? |
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3. How do you want to get what you
want?
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4. How will you test that you get what
you want?
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Your answers provide huge
diagnostic information so that we can keep the
systemic diagnosis to a session or two (although diagnosis continues as our coaching proceeds).
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We can coach you to reconnect with
your own wisdom, to find your own answers and to rediscover your own power. We
can help you create a bridge from where you are - to where you want to be. We do not
advise you, rather we together confront your situations and
transitions.
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When counseling couples, families or teams, we adjust these questions to support conjoint (simultaneous) coaching rather than
just counseling two or more individuals at the same time.
Transforming Relationships
Change is not easy, but it can be easier if
we learn from other people's consequences.
Sometimes
the longest journey is the distance between two partners!
How do you feel generally?
If a partner says that he or she feels unpleasant - ask
about the nature of the feelings and their causes. Are the feelings existential
(all the time in any context) or only sometimes in some contexts (e.g. overwork) - or triggered by
some stimulus (e.g. a spider). We often help a partner resolve individual issues
such as chronic emotions, compulsive behavior or obsessions before real couple coaching.
How do you feel about your relationship?
If you ask this to a partner alone, and again with the partner
listening - expect different answers. There are three basic possibilities ...
- If both partners feel well about their
partnership, coaching can be towards increasing individual pleasure and
mutual enjoyment. The couples build resourceful states
that they may later need when resolving conflicts and
reconciling.
- If one partner feels unwell and the other is satisfied,
we coach couples to better understand each other. This can lead to both
feeling well, or to both feeling unwell.
- If both partners feel unwell about their partnership, we
coach them to examine and resolve any current crisis, and then to evaluate their partnership
or marriage.
Quick Relationship Evaluation
| Healthy
Partnership |
Relationship in
Crisis |
| Partners often show appreciation
and gratitude
to each other |
One or both are often dissociated,
irritated, depressed, critical or show contempt |
| Partners respond to most
verbal and nonverbal communications |
One or both ignore, avoid
or shorten most
communications |
| Partners review events in their
history |
They rarely review their
relationship history |
| Partners greet after time
apart and ask about each other's activities and other news |
They rarely interact when
together, without even silent intimacy |
| Partners enjoy meeting
each other's needs for passion, intimacy and commitment |
One or both often ignore or
criticize the other's goals and needs |
| Partners discuss goals
and dreams, finding shared values and creating shared meanings. |
They rarely discuss
shared goals, values or
dreams |
| Partners share meals and
housework together |
One person often cooks or cleans
alone |
| Partners often go out
together |
They generally prefer to go out
alone |
| Partners create projects
which require committed cooperation |
One or both often avoid, ignore or give
small attention to shared projects |
| They wish to stay together
to enjoy sharing partnership and parenthood happiness |
One or both want to separate but
cannot because of guilt, fear or constraints |
| They respect most of each
other's choices and decisions, and politely discuss differences |
One or both show contempt
for the other's decisions and angrily demand changes |
| Partners want happiness
together |
One or both prefer
happiness alone |
- The ratio of positive to negative comments in
successful relationships is about 5 to 1, and in unsuccessful
relationships it is often below 1 to 1 (Gottman, 1999)
- Successful couples learn to create passion,
intimacy and commitment (Sternberg, 1986)
- Couples who argue more than they
make love are likely to separate (Howard & Dawes, 1976)
- More couples stay together because of entanglements
than because of love (Carruthers, 1996)
To assist a couple to develop patience, tolerance and
gratitude, you can
explain things in optimistic ways (Cameron-Bandler, 1985). Identify the behaviors each
person dislikes in their partner and
then:
- Explore "What would cause me to behave in this way?"
and "What goals am I trying to reach?"
- Explore "How could I behave differently towards my
partner, if I knew the circumstances or goals that trigger that behavior?"
- Explore "Is this behavior that I dislike or a quality that I sometimes admire in my partner?"
- Explore "What qualities do I most enjoy in my partner?"
and "How can I express those qualities when my partner behaves in ways I
dislike?"
A partner may believe that the other partner initiates
conflict, or both partners may believe that conflict is
inevitable. We coach couples to dissolve their inner conflict, and to
understand their external behavior as systemic dynamics, rather than as
issues of manipulation or control. See Reconciliation.
Of all the hurts lovers inflict upon each
other, few are so hard to resolve
as those caused by a desire for equal justice.
Many people are simply not trained to be
partners, and traditional couples or marriage counseling offers them little
help. We help couples learn and use proven ways of relating as they resolve
partnership issues and marriage problems. We coach partners how to coach
each other.
- Contact us and outline your situation
- We will normally invite you to an
initial meeting
- We attempt to meet you as soon as is practical
- We explore your goals and issues that you
wish to change
- We explore what working
together with us might be like for you
We also coach and supervise counselors, coaches,
therapists etc, and coach them to resolve ethical and personal issues, to
use systemic diagnosis, resolve transferences, to dissolve relationship
entanglements with family and clients, and in brief relationship therapy.
(Many of our clients are helping professionals and therapists; they want
personal change-work and professional insight).
Unlock your
success, your relationships and your life choices!
Discover what
inspires you and why you want your goals.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers, 2007-2010
All rights reserved
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