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Relationships are an essential
part of life. Healthy relationships show caring, support and respect
for human dignity. Unhealthy relationships may be based on power, fear,
dependence or lack of relationship skills. We help
people build and enjoy better relationships.
Conflict Resolution
We consider conflict management to be an essential part
of relationships. You
and your parents, friends, partner, children or any other person are unlikely to
have exactly the same goals, beliefs or values, or the same ways
to reach your goals and fulfill your values. You will have conflicts!
How you handle conflicts can weaken or strengthen your
relationship. Conflicts can be productive, allowing understanding and respect,
or they can be destructive, causing resentment and hostility. How you resolve
conflicts helps determine whether your relationships are healthy or unhealthy.
How do you habitually manage conflict? Do you:
- Avoid conflicts?
- Divert conflicts?
- Deny conflicts?
- Discuss conflicts?
- Resolve conflicts?
If you do not resolve conflicts, you may build
relationships based on denial or withdrawal, until unresolved conflicts
devastate or destroy your relationship. You can learn how to manage conflict - or
you can check out Partnership Breakdown.
Conflicts & Avoidance
Do you avoid conflicts (Let's not fight now),
do you overuse humor (You're so cute when you're angry), do
you minimize (That is not important) or do you inhibit conflicts?
(You know what will happen if we talk about that)
Perhaps you should postpone discussing a conflict if one of you
are angry, tired, or ill. It may be reasonable to defer resolving a conflict
until both of you are ready for a meaningful discussion, although indefinitely
postponing conflict resolution may only delay resolution and increase suffering.
Conflicts & Diversion
Do you divert conflicts to other directions?
Conflicts may be diverted by distracting attention, or perhaps by attacking the
person who raised the issue. If a person says, "I don't like it when you
xxx," the other may change the topic with: "Are you crazy, why didn't
you yyy?"
Conflicts & Denial
Do you allow conflicts to emerge? Or do you try to prevent
emergence with an attitude that, "Everything is fine"? Do you
deny conflict by avoiding confrontation or establishing covert rules? (In a
classic denial, all members of a family, team or relationship system may
say: "We are fine - we have no problems.")
Some conflicts may not seem to be worthy of argument. Often
some small issue is simply a cover for a larger one. If a partner is concerned
that the other is having an affair, but avoids dealing with it, that person may
explode over some minor detail.
A group may agree to one person's preference or members
may take turns compromising. If the same person always agrees - or always
compromises - this may indicate denial or dependence.
Sooner or later, unresolved denial or dependence often
emerges as emotional explosions.
Resolving Conflicts
Do you clearly express different opinions, but not find solutions?
Does everyone know what the other system members want, but do not negotiate agreements?
If you don't know how to use conflicts to negotiate win-win solutions, systemic
coaching offers you solutions.
Do you all allow conflicts to emerge so that you discuss
solutions? Can you all express your opinions about all conflicts?
Do you confront the issues? Does everybody how to negotiate solutions
that are acceptable to all people involved? Do you want systemic
coaching?
Do you want relationship coaching or
systemic coach training? Do you want better relationships or do you want to
coach people to resolve complex
relationship conflicts?
Click HERE for Conflict Resolution
Conflict & Triangulation
In our systems coaching, triangulation describes
a situation of two people in conflict who, rather than resolving their
disagreement, involve or entangle a third person, usually in an attempt
to avoid or diffuse their conflict. In family systems, a triangulated
person is often a child or a childish adult, who may compensate by expressing
strong emotions, behavioral problems or psychosomatic symptoms.
Triangulation can prevent conflicts being resolved.
Triangulated children or teenagers who accept their parents' discontent
may develop behavior problems. See
emotional incest and
codependence.
Triangulation can also occur when three or more people
discuss sensitive issues. In marriage counseling or couple coaching, for
example, if a counselor or coach favors one partner more than the other,
the coach and the favored partner may perceive the other partner as a
scapegoat or as an object of concern, and may be respond to that partner
as if to a difficult child. This leads to chaos.
Two people can reduce emotional tension by focusing on a
third person, but if they do so, they avoid resolving their conflict and
may miss opportunities to increase their intimacy or effectiveness. Whether
the third person accepts pity or blame from the others, or resents it, or
fights it, the reaction of the third person may be interpreted by the
other two as further evidence for their continued prejudice.
Triangulation in Marriage Counseling & Couple Coaching
If one person coaches or counsels a couple, then there
are usually two of the same sex, and one other; and also two potential
male-female couples. Helping professionals risk identity loss in these
encounters - they risk losing themselves in fantasies of brotherhood,
sisterhood, partnership or parenthood, etc.
- Sometimes a marital therapist or marriage counselor likes
or prefers one partner, and may blame the other partner for the couple's
problems.
- Sometimes a couple coach is overly sympathetic to one
partner, and conspires with the other partner on, "How can we best
look after this wonderful person / poor victim?"
- Sometimes a health professional is attracted to one
partner, and provokes the partners to separate, hoping to have an
affair or relationship with the preferred partner.
So much suffering is avoidable ... but many partners
avoid dealing with it until they are in a crisis. We sometimes provide two-on-two coaching to
couples and partners.
This takes more work but less time - we find that this can be very efficient.
Neither partner feels outnumbered by the opposite sex. Having two
coaches working for you can minimize the risk of triangulation.
Common Mistakes in Conflict Resolution
If you can both remain emotionally mature, you have a basis
for a healthy relationship. If not ... well you'll get lost again and again
until you mature ... or until you give up. Some common mistakes are:
- Getting lost in unpleasant emotions ...
- Being inflexible ... My way or the highway!
- Believing your partner must lose for you
to win ...
- Opening another conflict before resolving the first one
- Not having enough information ... Why didn't
you tell me?
- Clinging to one perspective ... Your point of view is
wrong!
- Focusing only on what you may lose ... You
can't leave me alone!
Emotional Maturity
If you learn our couple coaching, you may not look at couples
the same way again. You will hear many stories about partners that you later
find were untrue. You will see the consequences of wild transferences and
projections. You will find many people hurt their families with good intentions and you will
see the consequences of abuse, betrayal and ignorance.
If you wish, we can help you develop the emotional maturity and experience needed
to help couples build and rebuild partnership happiness.
Click HERE to make an appointment!
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2001-2010
All rights reserved.
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