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Man soll den anderen so nehmen er ist,
nicht so wie man ihn haben moechte.
(See a person as he is, not the way that you want him to be. Bari)
If you visit Munich, you could take a stroll around
the beautiful Englischer Garten. I recently walked there with a
German friend, discussing cross-cultural modeling. After stating each
concept, my friend would ask: “Alles ist klar?” This common question
means: “Is that clear?”
Clarity seems important to most German people, who often ask for assurance
that their communications are understood. German people, perhaps more than other
cultures in my experience, seem to maximize clarity and efficiency. Although
clarity and efficiency may seem desirable in most communication, many people
avoid it, finding relief in philosophical, negative, conflicting and abstract
statements.
Some people seem to avoid clear communication. “Alles ist nicht
so klar!” - It is not so clear!
Relationship Clarity
You can develop your clarity in appropriate relationships. For
example, you treat your intimate partner as a human being whom you value and with
whom you want a long-term intimate relationship. If you habitually treat a partner
as a child, or as a parent, or as a colleague - confusion will follow – even if
both of you accept or even enjoy these roles.
I created a simple hierarchy of relationship types, with the
approximate minimum ages when most people can begin fulfilling the relationship
responsibilities of that type, and some key responsibilities.
| Approx Age |
Relationship Hierarchy |
Example Relationship Skills |
| 0+ |
Childhood |
Express emotions, learning to walk, talk, use toilet |
| 3+ |
Extended Family |
Group play, patience, sharing, delay gratification |
| 5+ |
Friends |
Keep promises, complete tasks, trust others |
| 11+ |
Teams |
Active co-operation, accept group rules, modesty |
| 16+ |
Partnership |
Create and maintain intimacy,
make intimate space |
| 21+ |
Parenthood |
Create supportive home, develop child raising skills |
| 24+ |
Community |
Community participation, action and support |
| 28+ |
Global |
Humanitarian / Environmental / Systemic activities |
You can gain both clarity and skills during each relationship
experience - and use these skills as a basis for subsequent relationships.
If you get stuck in one relationship experience – you may be unable to
advance until you master the appropriate relationship skills.
If you cannot maintain a friendship, you are unlikely to
be accepted into a healthy team. If you cannot function in a team, you are
less likely to commit to a long-term partnership. Instead you may seek
distorted relationships and be accepted (or at least tolerated) by other
dysfunctional people.
Motivation alone is insufficient. Relationship skills are
needed - based on supportive beliefs and values.
If you are “stuck” at some relationship level, you may appear
emotionally immature and age regressed – and people may say that you act like a
teenager or a child. (Sometimes a woman may comment about all
her children – perceiving her childish partner as another child to care for.)
Common causes of relationship stuckness include
emotional incest and
trauma. Events such as
parental separation and
parental alienation can have traumatic consequences. We help people clarify and change their relationships.
Mother - Son Bonds
. Father - Daughter Bonds
Dynamic & Frozen Relationships
Are your relationships are dynamic? Are you developing on many
levels, while testing and pushing your limits? Dynamic relationships allow freedom,
growth and inter-dependence. Or your relationships can be called “frozen” if you
avoid challenges and development.
Frozen relationships are often attempts to cling to childish
beliefs and immature decisions. People in frozen relationships often avoid clarity
and prefer foggy communication. Communicating with such people can seem like
talking to foggy walls.
It is useful to recognize the abstractions used while
communicating. If communication is arbitrarily divided into levels of
abstraction (loosely based on the genius of Dr Gregory Bateson), the following
hierarchy results, which includes example questions that you can use
to increase clarity.
| Abstraction |
Self Questions |
Relationship Questions |
| Things |
What is it?
What does it do? |
Who does it belong to?
How can we use it? |
| Emotions |
What am I feeling?
How can I express my feelings? |
What feelings do I want to share?
How do
you respond to my emotions?
How do you express your emotions? |
| Communication |
What do I express?
What do I respond to? |
How do you respond to me?
What are your wishes? |
| Actions & Consequences |
What am I doing?
What do I want? |
How do you respond to my actions?
How do I respond to your wishes? |
| Competencies |
What am I capable of?
What else can I do? |
Who does this influence?
Who should do this? |
| Beliefs |
What is true? What is possible? What is right? |
How can we express our beliefs?
How do we respond to each other’s beliefs? How do we decide what is right? |
| Values |
What is important?
What is worthwhile? |
What values do we share? Whose values are most important? |
| Identity |
Who am I?
What are my qualities? |
Who are you? What are our relationship responsibilities? |
| Relationships |
What am I part of?
What is my role? |
How close or distant are we?
How can we co-operate together? |
| Planet / Humanity |
Why am I here?
What is my purpose? |
How do our lives affect this planet?
How can we help our planet survive? |
| Creation / Cosmos |
What is the purpose of creation? |
How can we relate with manifest
creation and unmanifest potential? |
These questions are examples of how you may clarify your
concepts for yourself and also clarify the presuppositions within your
various relationships.
Note that these questions may irritate and annoy those people
who, for whatever reason, prefer not to change their immature emotions and
confused relationships. And if you find yourself motivated to change any
emotional blocks or relationship issues - please email us.
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Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
1999-2011 All rights reserved
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