Creating Healthy Relationships
It's not luck! © Martyn Carruthers

Online Coaching & Mentorship

Man soll den anderen so nehmen er ist, nicht so wie man ihn haben moechte.
(See a person as he is, not the way that you want him to be. Bari)
 

If you visit Munich, you could take a stroll around the beautiful Englischer Garten. I recently walked there with a German friend, discussing cross-cultural modeling. After stating each concept, my friend would ask: “Alles ist klar?” This common question means: “Is that clear?”

Relationship Clarity

You can develop your clarity in appropriate relationships. For example, you treat your intimate partner as a human being whom you value and with whom you want a long-term intimate relationship. If you habitually treat a partner as a child, or as a parent, or as a colleague - confusion will follow – even if both of you accept or even enjoy these roles.

I created a simple hierarchy of relationship types, with the approximate minimum ages when most people can begin fulfilling the relationship responsibilities of that type, and some key responsibilities.

You can gain both clarity and skills during each relationship experience - and use these skills as a basis for subsequent relationships. If you get stuck in one relationship experience – you may be unable to advance until you master the appropriate relationship skills.

If you cannot maintain a friendship, you are unlikely to be accepted into a healthy team. If you cannot function in a team, you are less likely to commit to a long-term partnership. Instead you may seek distorted relationships and be accepted (or at least tolerated) by other dysfunctional people.

Motivation alone is insufficient. Relationship skills are needed - based on supportive beliefs and values.

If you are “stuck” at some relationship level, you may appear emotionally immature and age regressed – and people may say that you act like a teenager or a child. (Sometimes a woman may comment about all her children – perceiving her childish partner as another child to care for.)

Common causes of relationship stuckness include emotional incest and trauma. Events such as parental separation and parental alienation can have traumatic consequences. We help people clarify and change their relationships.

Mother - Son Bonds . Father - Daughter Bonds
 

Dynamic & Frozen Relationships

Are your relationships are dynamic? Are you developing on many levels, while testing and pushing your limits? Dynamic relationships allow freedom, growth and inter-dependence. Or your relationships can be called “frozen” if you avoid challenges and development.

Frozen relationships are often attempts to cling to childish beliefs and immature decisions. People in frozen relationships often avoid clarity and prefer foggy communication. Communicating with such people can seem like talking to foggy walls.

It is useful to recognize the abstractions used while communicating. If communication is arbitrarily divided into levels of abstraction (loosely based on the genius of Dr Gregory Bateson), the following hierarchy results, which includes example questions that you can use to increase clarity.

These questions are examples of how you may clarify your concepts for yourself and also clarify the presuppositions within your various relationships.

Note that these questions may irritate and annoy those people who, for whatever reason, prefer not to change their immature emotions and confused relationships. And if you find yourself motivated to change any emotional blocks or relationship issues - please email us.

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Are You Ready To Change? We sincerely hope that you found this page useful Act quickly for our Spring special: only US $80 / session or US $300 / month   Have You Suffered Enough?  Where are you now? Assess your fixations, bonds and enmeshments What do you want? Know your life goals ... and your blocks to them Do you have the resources? Find your lost resources by dreaming together Which emotions block you? End relationship disappointments and mentor damage Do your beliefs limit you? Change your limiting beliefs and end dependence Do you sometimes feel empty? Resolve identity loss to recover your lost resources Is your partnership happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully) Are your children healthy? Happy parents can better manage family problems Do you want team success? Team leaders and top teams can develop together Do you have other goals? Specialty coaching & training

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2012 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers
to help people dissolve emotional blocks and improve relationships to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work.