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Our
couple
coaching is not marriage counseling,
although it evolved out of a dissatisfaction with marital therapies.
We help couples evaluate partnership,
resolve conflicts,
dissolve
transferences and other emotional baggage.
Abuse and Good Intentions
Abuse is about dominance and control.
Abuse often accompanies displays of power: threats, lies, broken promises
and humiliation - and abusers are often emotionally immature. Many abusive
adults experienced childhood abuse or
covert
incest themselves. Then they try to enmesh other people into their own emotional
chaos, fantasies or life-philosophy.
When you are hurting and vulnerable, you are
more likely to allow abuse to continue.
Abuse by Therapists
. Mentor Damage .
Training Abuse . Abuse in Cults
Good Intentions on the Road to Hell
We hear many stories about
abuse by parents, relatives, friends, colleagues, bosses, salespeople, politicians
... and about abuse by helping professionals. We hear about unpleasant
experiences during and following sessions with counselors and therapists, etc. Coaching people
to dissolve
damage from prior counseling or therapy has become an unexpectedly important part of our work.
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In six years of therapy my therapist NEVER
asked me what I wanted.
She only told me what to do. I followed her like a lamb until she told me to
divorce my husband. She was so angry when I didn't that I quit. Newark,
NJ |
After incompetent counseling or abusive therapy, people
may become suspicious of all helping professionals. They may have a
bigger burden of suffering than before. Incompetence, rudeness and unkind words may be remembered
- mentor damage can cause lasting damage (and many people give up, stop seeking
help and suffer needlessly).
Why do some Therapists damage Couples?
Helping professionals can hurt their clients in many
ways - often with good intentions - during marriage counseling or marital
therapy. Here are some common situations that our clients have described:
- Triangulation - counselors may
join a power game between couples or business partners and support one partner over the
other - damaging the partners' ability to solve problems together.
- Boredom - They may use their clients as a source of
entertainment. They may encourage dramatic arguments and mock fights,
although such sessions are often traumatic and detrimental for a couples'
health and harmony.
- Authority - They enjoy giving orders or commands. They
may instruct a couple to separate or stay together. They may act as if only
they can
decide what a couple should want. They may say, "Your only chance
is to xxx". If a couple follow such instructions, they may stay together
in misery, or separate needlessly. (Immature people may not resist
or reject harmful instructions from a perceived authority.)
- Parental - They use their clients to fulfill their
need to be parents. They may require that the couple follow their strict
instructions, even for minor problems. They may threaten to end therapy if
the couple chooses other solutions. As a result, the couple may lose their
sense of partnership and may find themselves unable to solve problems
without help (therapist-client codependence).
- Immature - The helping professional may be impressed
by the charm or intimidated by the authority of one partner, and encourage the
couple to separate - perhaps telling the couple that separation or divorce is
their "best" solution.
- Lonely - They hope that a client becomes a friend
or lover. They may avoid discussing
potential solutions, provoke fights and instead romance or seduce some clients.
- Demagogue - They want to promote or endorse some
theory, dogma, cult or psychotheology ... spreading their
philosophy may be more important to them than their clients reaching their goals!
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I have been a therapist for over thirty
years. I have seen theories come and go ... and the consequences
of those theories on people's lives.
I have seen all of the damage that you write about ... and more. Washington, USA |
Consequences of Codependent or Abusive Counseling
The result of damage is more damage. If a couple recover
from codependent, abusive or incompetent counseling and stay together, they
may suffer mentor damage and avoid other forms of assistance.
Our couple coaching includes individual sessions to resolve
individual issues. Our partner coaching can dissolve fixations, transferences and
triangulation. We help couples deeply understand each other as a basis for making
life decisions together. We focus on future happiness,
not past hurt and we prefer gentle provocation to sympathy.
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Consequences don't care how good are your
intentions. Consequences don't care how logical is your theory or how sacred
is your dogma. The consequences of good intentions often include avoidable
suffering.
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Recovery
Partners of people with symptoms of
emotional incest or
identity loss may react when their partner
commences recovery. The reaction may be immediate or there may be a period
of peace that is disrupted when long-avoided conversations or decisions
commence.
If problems are not dealt with appropriately, the healthy
partner may become the sick partner in an unhappy role-reversal!
If emerging problems are not dealt with and resolved, one partner’s success may trigger
a relapse in the other partner. We can help both partners enjoy
a healthy recovery.
Good Intentions on the Road to Hell
Client neglect is common, even by helping professionals
with good intentions. We help people resolve the consequences of client
damage - both damaged clients and damaged helping professionals.
Even if you are a priest, a psychiatrist or a trainer, we suggest that you avoid giving
advice or using your authority to persuade adults do what you want
them to do. Help couples find,
check and apply their own solutions - which are usually the best solutions for them.
If you are searching for help, research the methodology of people you consider
working with.
Talk to their past clients if you can. Does a therapist talk to you as if to a child?
Does a counselor leave you feeling weak? Does someone tell you told that your only
chance is to follow
his or her demands?
We coach people to find and develop their strengths
as they accept and acknowledge each other's problematic emotions and improve
their relationship skills.
During couple coaching, we support BOTH partners to
understand each other and to make decisions ... and we avoid taking sides.
You have probably heard many relationship theories that
you later found to be untrue. You have probably seen unintentional hurt and
well-intentioned abuse. Perhaps you have wondered how any partnership survives. After
our coaching, you may look at partnership more
realistically.
Recovery from Client Abuse
We focus on the future - not the
past. Whatever caused stress or conflict - we explore what preparation and knowledge
is needed to prevent a recurrence and to repair the damage. We help people resolve the
consequences of abuse ... and move on.
Damage by helping professionals may be more traumatic
than physical injury. Emotional problems
and relationship difficulties caused by
mentor damage can disrupts lives. Contact us
to assess and repair mentor damage.
Online Coaching & Training
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
2001-2012 All rights reserved. |
