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Coaching, Therapy & Counseling Humor

Telephone and Skype Coaching with Martyn Kahekili Carruthers

Funny True Stories by Martyn Carruthers

We offer telephone sessions and effective training on systemic coaching, long-term happiness, and solving emotional and relationship problems. As simple systems that work tend to evolve into complex systems that don't work, we keep things simple ... and often funny.

Double Vision

We enrich our web pages with recycled electrons!

Providing systemic coaching is rewarding on many levels. While helping people build better relationships, health and success, we often find rich wit and humor. Here are some curious, funny and occasionally hilarious stories, mostly heard during our sessions and trainings.
Just when you thought you'd heard it all ...

You not remember me but I come your seminar in Croatia. You were FUNNY - I laugh so much that I nearly not see people healing. I didn't was a demonstration, but my friend was, and now not has the bad problem. Do you heal people by making laughs? Zagreb, Croatia

And a special few of you know that part of this page is about YOU.

Those who laugh last ... think slowest


  • Heard during sessions (really!)

What is it about me that attracts idiots?
Of course I'm unique - just like everyone else.
I do use my imagination - I'm very suspicious.
I don't want to solve my conflict - I want revenge!
I don't know whether to have a baby or to get a dog.
I took an intelligence test and the results were negative.
A good solution to my problem would be someone I can blame.
I am willing to make mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
My son doesn't know that his girlfriend is a bad choice. She's not at all like me.

How do you spell PTSD?
Why should I suffer in silence when I can complain?
When I want to relax I think about ways I can get revenge.
Women should say "Yes" or "No" faster to save unnecessary effort.
Who do I blame for my problems? I can always find someone to blame!
I accept my personality problems - without them I would have no personality.
I do take responsibility for my actions ... when they are not someone else's fault.
I do NOT sit in my living room watching television all day. I also have a TV in my bedroom!
First I say nice things about myself, then I do nice things for myself, then I find someone to buy nice things for me.

I want to change my future.
Please make it didn't happen!
I don't want to tell so many lies but I want to keep my job.
My wife helps me appreciate how very wonderful is my girlfriend.
How can I learn from my past when I am worried about my future?
How can I divorce my wife without telling her? She will be very angry.
Of course I find humor in my everyday life ... I look for people I can laugh at.
All I want is a partner who is rich, sexy, educated, charming and who loves me. That's all.
If a relationship works, there's not much to talk about. If it doesn't work, there's nothing to talk about.
My boyfriend had a heart attack while we made love. I didn't know that people could die so happy.

Men act like children ... so I treat them that way.
Only people as intelligent as I am can possibly understand me.
How did I find you? God told me to Google emotional maturity!
I know your Soulwork works in practice - but does it work in theory?
You can have more website visitors if you add pornographic pictures!
I don't expect to change anything - I just want to tell you how bad it is!
My partner made me come to see you. I want you to prove her wrong!
My partner treats me like a piece of furniture - so of course I act like one.
We want a combination of therapy and medication so that we can stay together!


  • Lies Told by Trainers:
Call me any time; I'm always available
It doesn't matter what I think; say what you believe
It doesn't bother me if a student is earning $100,000 a year
Examinations are only diagnostic tools
I would never date a student
My other class works harder

  • Lies Told by Students:

I will pay you when I can afford it
You're the best trainer in the world
I will do every part of my homework
I have done every part of my homework
I only want to make other people happy
I will solve that problem tomorrow


Coach Training Exercises

We didn't actually DO the exercise - but we did TALK about it
I didn't like the exercise so I asked my partner to massage me
Your exercise was too difficult so we made up our own exercise
My exercise partner was just like my mother - she didn't like me at all
We weren't sure what to do so we went for coffee
I asked my spirit guides do the exercise for me
I told my exercise partner what I intuited about her sex life and now she won't talk to me

I didn't do the exercise because:

  • I'm a philosopher
  • We both needed a cigarette
  • I only do exercises with my boyfriend
  • None of those bastards will talk to me
  • I didn't want to learn anything more today

  • Martyn - agreeable as usual ...

If you ask "Is it possible that ...?" - my answer is "Yes"
If you ask "Is it this way or that way?" - my answer is "Yes"
If you ask "Is it always true that ...?" - my answer is "No"
If you ask "Is it true or false that ...?" - my answer is "Exactly"


  • I Missed my Appointment because ...

You didn't empower me enough
You are not seeing the big picture
I discovered a new fear of success
I'm sorry but I started to feel better
The date on the calendar was closer than I thought
I didn't want to tell you I wasn't coming in case you felt bad


  •  Difficult Goals

I want to be a virgin again
I want everybody to love me
I want you to stop asking me such hard questions!
I want to feel like I'm five years old for the rest of my life (woman aged 40)
I know that you can solve all my problems in one session - if you really wanted to
I must be happy so that I can get married but I must be married so that I can be happy.


Every sentence tells a story ... and these are true stories!

If it was meant to be - it would have happened
You must completely heal me before I promote your training
I don't need to promote you - I know all my friends will come
I have few friends and little credibility
I'm sure that I can put an advertisement in the library and find 30 students
How could I predict that that would happen?
Some of the group are diagnosed as psychotic
Relax ... they're all on medication ... I hope ...

Your talk will be to a group of business consultants and intuitive healers
I will promote you how I think you should be promoted
My expenses should be your risk
Your expenses are your problem
I told them that you can solve all their problems in one weekend
I'm sorry that the training room is very close to a ...
I told them that you can channel alien life forms
Your translator is 15 years old

You can stay with me in my one room apartment
You can solve my problems in the evenings
It's your fault for thinking bad thoughts
You can heal my psychotic brother on your day off
I know I agreed to settle finances today, but ...
All my friends told me that they would come
I need your money more than you do
At the last moment I decided I wasn't ready

The ONLY thing I forgot to tell them was the date!
I know I booked the wrong flight but you should pay for it
You can sleep in our son's bedroom - he's in hospital with an infectious disease
I'm sorry that you trusted me


Lost Integrity Comments from people to whom I refused trainer training.

I protect students from reality
Please don't confuse me with facts!
I can't teach if there are skeptics in the room
I don't need your permission to teach your work!
I would accept ANYBODY into my courses - who will pay
Copyright and intellectual property are obsolete concepts!

If I don't know it - it's not worth knowing
If you don't trust me, you are a bad person!
If I read an article about something - I can teach it
Why should I demonstrate - it would only confuse them!
I don't demonstrate ... I explain why people must change
Of course I'm right - I've been teaching it that way for years!
Their spirit guides will reveal the details to them when they are ready

I only want students who are like me
Don't worry - their unconscious minds will get it!
Privacy and confidentiality are not valid in classrooms
I would give all my students Elite Grand Master certificates!
Students don't want demonstrations or exercises - they want theory
I am very flexible - my students can agree with me any way that they want!

Reading these comments can cause me to laugh out loud ... they remind me of difficult conversations with interesting people. And maybe you were there. Martyn Carruthers


Bonus: Coaching Laws

  • There's no such thing as a family secret.
  • Many personal problems begin as positive thinking.
  • Whatever happens, act as though you are pleased it happened.
  • To err is human... to blame your client for your errors is also human.
  • When you fully understand a client, your coaching is probably finished!
  • The essential resources are where you'd least expect to find them.
  • For every suggestion, there is an equal and opposite objection.
  • The solution is always the last thing you try.
  • He who laughs last just got paid.

You will never understand your own issues as well as you understand your clients' issues.
Telephone and Skype Coaching with Martyn Kahekili Carruthers

 


The Relationship Coaching Institute

 
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Workshop

Systemic Coach Training  (Calendar)

Systems 1 How to evaluate relationship dynamics and recognize common entanglements
Systems 2 How to define life goals, identify blocks, resolve objections & plan for success
Systems 3 How to provide or continue goalwork using interactive metaphors and Dreamwork
Systems 4 How to dissolve the consequences of abuse and trauma, and rebuild motivation
Systems 5 How to change limiting beliefs and codependence for emotional freedom
Systems 6 How to recognize and resolve identity loss: recover lost qualities and lost skills
Systems 7 How to resolve therapist or spiritual damage and provide inspirational mentorship
Systems 8 How to coach partners to build lasting happiness and avoid partnership breakdown
Systems 9 How to coach parents to resolve family problems and to achieve family goals
Systems 10 How to coach team leaders and teams to develop while solving team problems
Systems 11 How to coach communities to survive and prosper in a changing world
Specialty Advanced workshops and specialty training tailored to fulfill your goals and needs

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2009 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Solutions were primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We train people to resolve emotional blocks and improve relationships. This information is for your general knowledge only. Please consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. Link to our pages, but get Martyn's written permission to post or publish his work.

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