Funny True Stories © Martyn Carruthers
 |
We offer coaching and training on resolving emotional blocks and relationship
issues.
As simple systems that work tend to
evolve into complex systems that don't work, I try to keep things simple ... and funny.
Martyn
Double Vision
|
We enrich our web pages with recycled electrons!
Developing and providing our coaching is rewarding on many
levels. While helping people build mature relationships, better health and success, we
often find rich wit and humor. Here are
some curious, funny and occasionally hilarious stories, mostly heard during my
coaching sessions and trainings.
|
You not remember me but I come
your seminar in Warszawa. You were FUNNY - I laugh so much that I
nearly not see people healing. I didn't was a demonstration, but
my friend was, and now not has the bad problem. Do you heal
people by making laughs? Warsaw, Poland |
And some of you know that part of this
page is about YOU.
Those who laugh last ... think slowest
Heard during sessions (really!)
What is it about me that attracts idiots?
Of course I'm unique - like everyone else.
I do use my imagination - I'm very suspicious.
I have a big mouth and I'm not afraid to use it.
I don't want to solve my conflict - I want revenge!
I don't know whether to have a baby or to get a
dog.
I took an intelligence test and the results were negative.
A good solution to my problem would be someone I can blame.
I am willing to make mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
|
My son doesn't know that his girlfriend is a bad choice.
She's not at all like me. |
How do you spell PTSD?
Why should I suffer in silence when I can complain?
When I want to relax I think about ways I can get revenge.
Women should say "Yes" or "No"
faster to save unnecessary effort.
Who do I blame for my problems? I can always find someone to blame!
I accept my personality problems - without them I would have no personality.
I do take responsibility for my actions ... when they are not someone else's fault.
I do NOT sit in my living room watching television all day.
I also have a TV in my bedroom!
|
First I say nice things about myself,
then I do nice things for myself,
then I find someone to buy nice things for me.
|
I want to change my future.
Please make it didn't happen!
I don't want to tell so many lies but I want to keep my job.
My wife helps me appreciate how very wonderful is my girlfriend.
How can I learn from my past when I am worried about my future?
How can I divorce my wife without telling her? She will be very angry.
Of course I find humor in my everyday life
... I look for people I can laugh at.
All I want is a partner who is rich, sexy, educated, charming and who loves me.
That's all.
My boyfriend had a heart attack while we made love. I didn't know
that people could die so happy.
|
I didn't have any problems until we came for
couple coaching ...
... then my wife told me what has to change ... it's your fault! |
My husband needs help for emotional insects.
How many children do I have? Should I include my husband?
How did I find you? God told me to Google emotional maturity!
Only people as intelligent as I am can possibly understand me.
My wife made me come to see you. I want you to prove her wrong!
I know
your coaching works in practice - but does it work in theory?
You can have more website visitors if you add pornographic pictures!
I don't want to change anything - I just want to tell you how bad things are.
We want a combination of therapy and medication so that we can stay together.
I want to be wealthy and single, but I don't meet many eligible bachelors who
are dying!
|
If a relationship works, there's not much to talk about.
If a relationship doesn't work, there's nothing to talk about. |
Lies Told by Trainers
My other class works harder
I would never date a student
Call me any time; I'm always available
Examinations are only diagnostic tools
It doesn't matter what I think; say what you believe
It doesn't bother me if my graduate students earn more than me
Lies Told by Students
I will pay you when I can afford it
I will solve that problem tomorrow
You're the best trainer in the world
I will do every part of my homework
I have done every part of my homework
I only want to make other people happy
Coach Training Exercises
I asked my spirit guides do the exercise for me
We weren't sure what to do so we went for coffee
We didn't actually DO the exercise - but we did TALK about it
I didn't like the exercise so I asked my partner to massage me
Your exercise was too difficult so we made up our own exercise
My exercise partner was just like my mother - she didn't like me at all
I told my exercise partner what I intuited about her sex life and now she won't talk to me
I didn't do the exercise because:
- I'm a philosopher
- We both needed a cigarette
- I only do exercises with my boyfriend
- None of those bastards will talk to me
- I didn't want to learn anything more today
Martyn - Conversational Shortcuts
If you ask "Is it possible that ...?"
- my answer is "Yes"
If you ask "Is it always true that ...?" - my answer is "No"
If you ask "Is it this way or that way?" - my answer is "Yes"
If
you ask "Is it true or false that ...?" - my answer is "Exactly"
I Missed my Appointment because ...
... you didn't empower me enough
... you are not seeing the big picture
...
I discovered a new fear of success
I'm sorry but I started to feel much better
The date on the calendar was closer than I thought
I didn't want to tell you I wasn't coming in case you felt bad
Difficult Goals
I want to be a virgin again!
I want everybody to love me.
I want you to stop asking me such hard questions!
I want to feel like I'm five years old for the rest of my life (woman aged 40)
I know that you can solve all my problems in one session - if you really
wanted to!
I must be happy so that I can get married but I must be
married so that I can be happy.
"I'm sorry that you trusted me"
... Difficult Organizers
Every sentence tells a story ... these stories are mostly
from my first few years as a trainer, when I was more naive, less
prepared and worked with many amateurs. Some of these comments I heard more
than once. And some of them still make me flinch! Martyn
If it is meant to be - it will happen
I have few friends and little credibility
How could I predict that that would happen?
Two of the students are diagnosed as psychotic
Relax ... they're both on medication ... I hope ...
You must heal me before I can promote your workshop
I don't need to promote you - I know all my friends will come
I'm sure that I can put an advertisement in the library and find 30 students
My expenses should be your risk
Your expenses are your own problem
I'm sorry but the training room is close to a ...
I told them that you can channel alien life forms
Your translator is 14 years old (Czech Republic)
I will promote you how I think you should be promoted
I told them that you can solve all their problems in one weekend
Your talk will be to a mixture of
business consultants and intuitive healers
It's your fault for thinking bad thoughts
You can solve my problems in the evenings
All my friends told me that they would come
At the last moment I decided I wasn't ready
You can stay with me (in my tiny apartment)
I know we agreed to settle finances today, but ...
I decided that I need your money more than you do
You can heal my schizophrenic brother on your day off
The ONLY thing I forgot to tell them was the date!
I know I booked the wrong flight - but you should pay for it
You can sleep in our son's bedroom - he's in hospital with an infectious
disease
I'm sorry that you trusted me
Lost Integrity
(Comments from students.)
I protect my clients from reality
Please don't confuse me with facts
I can't work if there are skeptics in the room
I don't need your permission to teach your work
I will accept ANYBODY into my courses - who can pay
Copyright and intellectual property are obsolete concepts If I don't know it - it's not worth knowing
If you don't trust me, you are a bad person
If I read an article about something - I can teach it
Why should I demonstrate - it would only confuse them
I don't demonstrate ... I explain why people must change
Of course I'm right - I've been teaching it that way for years
Their spirit guides will reveal the details to them when they are ready
I can only teach students who are like me
Don't worry - their unconscious minds will get it
Privacy and confidentiality are not valid in classrooms
I will give all my students Elite Grand Master certificates
Students don't need demonstrations or exercises - they need theory
I am very flexible - people can agree with me any way that they want
Some of these comments still cause me to laugh
out loud ... and some cause me to sigh. They remind me of difficult conversations with interesting
people. And maybe you were there. Martyn Carruthers
Funny EmailsI get many emails asking for
help, and sometimes the questions are rather abstract. Check these out:
- How can I coach my mother?
- What is the best relationship technique?
- What do I really need to know about coaching?
- How can I show people that I am emotionally mature?
- How can I measure my return on investment in my marriage?
- How can I do open-heart surgery in my living room? (OK, I'm joking)
|
Would you have half an hour some time to do
a session on
how I can be in the heart of Buddha (state)?
This might be the best compliment I've had lately ...
Martyn |
Bonus: Practical Coaching Laws
- There's no such thing as a family secret!
- Many personal problems begin with positive thinking!
- Whatever happens, act as though you are pleased it happened!
- To err is human ... to blame your client for your errors is also human.
- A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it’s better than no
knowledge at all
- When you fully understand a client, your coaching is probably finished!
- The essential resources are where you'd least expect to find them!
- For every suggestion, there is an equal and opposite objection!
- The solution is always the last thing you try!
- They who laugh last just got paid!
You will never understand your own issues as
well as you understand other people's issues.
Click HERE to make an appointment!
|
Our
Coaching .
Our Coach
Training .
For Organizers
.
Corporate Coaching
