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We offer coaching, seminars
and workshops on
relationship problem solving, happy families and
wonderful partnership.
Happy Ever After?
Although most people dream of sharing happiness in
partnership, the greatest challenge is often that one or both partners get stuck
in transferences and entanglements that damage their relationship. Marriage
counseling may help, and our couple coaching helps people dissolve
transferences, toxic relationship bonds and entanglements in short time frames.
How did you learn about partnership as a child?
From books? (... the handsome prince met the beautiful princess
and they lived happily ever after). Perhaps you learned by watching
your parents and relatives. Perhaps you learned about love from TV, movies
or from (oh no) the lyrics of popular music.
Without systemic coaching, good intentions for
partnership or marriage may dissolve into unpleasant entanglements,
dysfunction, alienation and separation. And, without good coaching, people may repeat habits with subsequent partners, always
wondering "Why me?".
Premarital Counseling
. Couple Coaching .
Predictable Partnership .
Death of Partnership
Staying Together
We begin couple coaching by exploring goals,
complaints and values. We ask each partner (in different ways),
"Can you commit to your own happiness in this partnership?"
- If both congruently answer "Yes",
we ask "How do you want to share love with your
partner?"
- If either answers "No" or
"Don't know", then we can help you
Evaluate Partnership.
Many couples who separate or divorce
could have happy partnerships together. They could fulfill both partners'
needs, goals and dreams. And many people stay together
in unhappy partnerships, bonded by guilt, or religious rules, or financial
concerns, even when both partners want to separate.
Our partnership coaching helps people build
relationship happiness that can have a lasting and profound effect on
partnership - helping both partners change unpleasant conflicts
into positive discussions about what each wants, independently
and together, and the shape of a partnership that can fulfill both
partners' desires.
If a partner assumes that the other should accurately guess
desires, then a partner's poor guessing may seem to indicate a
lack of love or commitment, and happy partnership may seem impossible.
You may forget your partner's qualities, instead perceiving your partner
though limiting or depressing beliefs (e.g. "My partner is lonely,
so I must stay home while my friends go to the theater without me").
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We attended marriage counseling
and I always felt beaten up ... My husband asked if the experiences
of his family of origin could play a part in our marriage. The counselor
said NO! We were still fumbling with this six years and four counselors
later ... Houston, Texas |
Desires, Wishes & Requests
Expressing wishes and goals helps show trust
and a readiness to fulfill a partner's desires and goals. People who
are committed to a partnership or marriage will likely search
for creative and interesting ways to fulfill a partner's desires.
Some desires will not be fulfilled. Partners will have different
priorities, commitments, beliefs, emotions, habits or finances, so one may refuse to fulfill a
wish. A refusal need not threaten the partnership -
unless the refusal is a non-negotiable requirement or demand
about a central or core issue.
A requirement or demand
often begins with words like, "For our relationship to
continue, you must ..." - for more on relationship demands see
Evaluating Partnership.
Although no solution can satisfy every couple, most couples
can enjoy finding solutions. The relief of expressing desires and
receiving a partner's responses is followed by increased trust and
intimacy. This surge of love can empower both partners to solve life
challenges rather than to avoid them.
Systemic Partnership Coaching
We can help most people solve whatever STOPS them solving your
problems. We coach partners to become each other's
best resource. We coach partners to:
- find solutions for partnership challenges
- evaluate unspoken messages to each other
- solve problems together as resourceful, caring adults
- dissolve any entanglements, trauma and toxic history
- communicate desires and requests fully and accurately
The duration of couple coaching depends on your commitment and
resourcefulness; and on your coach’s sensitivity, flexibility and skill.
An experienced coach can usually provide systemic couple coaching to a motivated,
resourceful couple (who are not in crisis and who can cope with stress)
in 4 - 12 hours. The time depends on your motivation and the number
of issues that to resolve.
Getting Ready for Happiness
Many couples want to make space for happy partnership. You can prepare
this space with individual coaching for both partners separately; followed by simultaneous couple coaching.
- Many relationship entanglements (e.g. unhealthy bonds to parents or
past-partners) and guilt issues (e.g. family secrets and betrayals) can be
dissolved during preparatory individual systemic coaching with both partners.
- Many existential issues that
impact a partnership (e.g. identity loss, identifications,
relationship entanglements or emotional trauma)
can be resolved during individual systemic coaching.
- If you or your partner doubts whether you want
a committed, long-term partnership, the complementary
Evaluating Partnership helps clarify doubts.
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We coach committed
partners to discuss values, dissolve conflicts, plan goals and
develop qualities. These activities expose real human beings
and real dreams of happiness, while they decide how they can
express and receive love in everyday life. |
Objections & Commitments
Clear commitments from both you and your partner is usually a resource for
resolving issues - even heavy issues such as abandonment,
abuse, betrayal and adultery.
Commitment to partnership helps partners commit to lasting happiness.
Objections to commitment have many possible sources. The most common
represent the lack of shared values, or the presence of unresolved bonds -
often to a parent or a previous partner.
Emotional Incest .
Relationship Bonds . Quantum
Thinking
If you feel guilt or fear from past disappointments; you may doubt
your competence as a partner or you may prefer manipulation to cooperation.
Perhaps you fall into trivial arguments, (e.g. "You put too
much salt in the soup!"), or
perhaps you withdraw into depression, obsessions or addictions.
Steps to Enjoying Partnership
Enjoying Partnership can help you and your partner to simultaneously
and resourcefully resolve your conflicts, discuss your desires, solve
your challenges and dissolve:
- nonverbal objections (e.g. saying "Yes"
while shaking your head "No")
- meaningless, confusing, negative, conflicting or abstract communication
- miscommunications (e.g. arguments about responsibility, or
meanings of actions)
- transferences & transference loops (you respond as if
the other other were someone else)
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Systems 8: Couple Coach Training
For Systemic Coaches, Relationship Coaches, Marriage Counselors,
Family Therapists etc
Our Enjoying Partnership training is for
people who want to coach others to enjoy committed long-term partnerships.
If either partner is not fully committed to a
long-term relationship, we offer individual coaching
for both partners first.
- Check if one or both partners object to being together
- Coach partners to clearly define their partnership goals
- Dissolve impasses, objections and transference loops
- Dissolve entanglements with parents and past-partners etc
- Repeat until both partners can resourcefully plan goals together
- Coach partners to solve real-life challenges resourcefully
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Our couple coaching is complete when both partners can
resourcefully discuss any desire, conflict or life challenge; and feel
ready to handle future (unknown) challenges. This success is only
possible if both partners are mature and committed to long-term
partnership. Further objections usually indicate unrecognized conflicts,
different values or unsolved transferences. See
Partnership Breakdown.
Many people can solve their own relationship issues. Some keys are:
- be respectful
- listen carefully
- develop maturity
- share responsibilities fairly
- choose helping professionals wisely
Evaluating Partnership and/or Enjoying Partnership
gives space for both your individual and partnership qualities to emerge,
instead of limiting beliefs, unpleasant emotions and energy-wasting conflicts.
If you want to solve difficult relationship issues - expect to
resolve transferences,
abuse,
emotional incest and
relationship bonds! We offer our
experience ... you need not feel alone.
Do you want to dissolve emotional blocks and relationship
issues?
Would you
like to benefit from our experience?
Copyright ©Martyn Carruthers
1998-2010 All rights reserved.
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