Coaches Need Coaching Too
Coaching Friends, Family & Other Issues © Martyn Carruthers

Online Coaching & Mentorship

Tips, Traps and Pitfalls for Helping Professionals

We see some terrible things,
and some of those things are more terrible because they are normal.

Common Coaching Issues

Some people have dreams that appear exaggerated - for example, people who hope to become extremely successful with minimal effort. Do you support unrealistic dreams knowing that they are unlikely to be unfulfilled - or do you try to find acceptable, achievable goals that allow real progress?

While we have coached many exceptional people to get exceptional results, most people seem to unconsciously block or sabotage themselves. Coaching people to follow irrational dreams is not coaching with integrity - and this affects our ability to build trust, and cooperate on getting results.

I usually offer interim goals or steps that, when reached, lead on to the next steps. And many of these interim steps are to resolve self-sabotage - changing emotions, beliefs, habits and relationships.

Coaching Friends

Some people may assume that their acquaintance or relationship with you implies that you should freely provide coaching, therapy or counseling  for them. After all - don't you help people solve relationship, cognitive and emotional problems? And isn't that what friends do?

If you want to lose friends and not influence people - accept friends as free clients. Unless you carefully set up a professional space - your friends may cease being your friends - and not become your clients.

I'm not talking about casual supportive conversation - I'm talking about you dedicating your time, knowledge and skills on your friend's life during intense, focused private work. I'm talking about helping them wash their dirty underwear. I'm talking about open-heart surgery.

Healthy people will later feel obligated towards you, and dislike feeling in your debt. To avoid that feeling of debt (usually called guilt) they may look for a way to repay you - or they may unconsciously sabotage your free change-work. We find that (except in the beginning of your coaching career when free might be the right price) offering a free service is often a lose-lose proposition!

Also, when working with friends, you may uncover some emotional or financial conflicts of interest. Someone may ask you for coaching on how to expand into your specialties ... in your home area. (It happens!) If you are successful - then you could feel REALLY stupid. And if you are not successful ... you probably won't like that feeling either.

You may be able to set up an emotionally clean space for professional coaching friends or family - which is rarely easy; or you can refer friends and family to other helping professionals. Or you can risk losing your friends and alienating your family.

Similarly, avoid befriending clients. Be friendly, but leave a potential deep friendship until after you have finished your work. Avoid decreasing your objectivity and increasing the risk of transference. Avoid building conflict, stress and codependence.

Enjoy their gratitude while it is still warm - people often forget after a day or two.

Verbal Aikido . Professional Coach Training . Emotion Coaching

Are you Ready? Who is Ready for You?

1. Do you have any unproductive habits?

2. Why do you ant to coach these people?

3. Do you have any unconscious objections?

4. How can you best approach these people?
5. What will you gain from helping these people?
6. How might these people perceive your coaching?
7. What beliefs or opinions may influence their attitudes?
8. What skills can you develop to better serve these people?
9. Can you discuss their difficult thoughts and feelings with them?
10. What attitudes, beliefs or biases might interfere with helping these people?

Coaching & Counseling Family Members

If you want to alienate family members, just push your coaching or counseling at them! Not only are you unlikely to enjoy success, your family may react against you, unless they perceive you as having very high authority and dripping with pearls of wisdom. Is this likely? Really? I doubt it too.

And would that be a role you want? The higher your pedestal - the further you can fall. If you try to work with your family because they really need it - what are the likely consequences of success ... and failure? It's probably much better to refer your family members to appropriate colleagues (perhaps with a reciprocal arrangement that you work with your colleagues' family).

Coaching family members in specific behavioral tasks such as cooking or car repair is generally safe and usually welcomed, if you are acknowledged as an expert or at least as competent. But coaching family members to change their emotional baggage ... prefer to refer, prefer to refer.

Mentoring and coaching children (with a parent present!) can be wonderful. We primarily coach children within interactive, isomorphic metaphors. But when you open up strong emotions - you open up enmeshments, entanglements and unconscious bonds - and you may get lost.

As a rule, I will not coach my own family members and I will not coach children unless a parent is in the room and I have already worked with the parents first. Don't learn this the hard way.

Who coaches the people who coach the people?

Excuses, excuses, excuses

Whether you specialize in systemic coaching, life coaching, therapeutic coaching or organizational coaching ... even spiritual coaching ... you invest a huge amount of your time, your energy and your money to learn and practice these skills, to develop yourself as a coach, and to build your practice.

After a few thousand hours of individual, couple and family coaching, you will likely become very good at coaching - and also on hearing excuses. Some clients won't do homework and some clients will not be punctual. Some clients won't show for appointments, some may perpetually forget to pay you and one or two may try to cheat you. This will likely continue until you change your attitude.

No-Shows

How many times have you refused or postponed motivated clients to meet a client - who does not show for an appointment? Or, maybe 15 minutes before, or maybe 15 minutes after, the appointed time, the client calls and say, "I'm sorry I can't come, because ... "

• "... my relative / friend / pet was sick"
• "... the bus / tram / train / taxi was late"
• "... my car was not working / not available"
• "... there was an accident / construction on the road"

Some of the stories may even be true. Yet of those clients who did it to me once, over half did it twice. Of those whom you let do it twice, 90% will do it three times - or until you say STOP!

You can type on your appointment cards and confirmation emails, "Change appointments at least 24 hours in advance or you will be charged for the session." And follow through. You might say "I cannot charge them for something they did not get". Or, after one or two problems, charge them in advance (I have never had a no-show from a client who paid in advance!).

With my online coaching, many people pay after their session, and that's OK - but a missed payment means no more coaching until they pay their debt. Some people won't pay ... don't encourage them.

Otherwise, during the next session, irritation and suspicion may interfere with your effectiveness. And they will likely do it again. And again. People pay you for your time - not for their own bad habits.

Laughter helps many people accept reality as it is.

Professional Referrals

Some people have problems that you cannot coach. They may be bankrupt, immature, psychotic, brain damaged or have some horrible disease. They may need lawyers, accountants, priests, psychiatrists or medical doctors. Please refer such people to appropriate professionals.

If you can, identify some friendly professionals in medicine, banking and law ... and make reciprocal arrangements so that they refer people who want or need coaching to you.

You’ve taken the first step. Then there’s a next step.
Every step is a next step if it’s a step in the right direction.

Online Coaching & Mentorship

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2000-2012 All rights reserved.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2012 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers
to help people dissolve emotional blocks and improve relationships to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work.