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Many helping professionals believe that
their clients should not make decisions about their own treatment - that
clients should follow orders or be labeled resistant or in denial.
Many of our clients are helping professionals - and we've developed some
tolerance to credentials. Alphabet soup after a name may signify
years of lectures and reading - but not competence nor experience.
When does HELP Fail?
Sometimes a practitioner just doesn't match a certain client,
couple or team. Maybe they have different values or beliefs. Maybe they have a different background
or philosophy. Who are your most difficult clients? Ours are
people who :
* are immature and
irresponsible
* cannot cope with change or stress
* threaten to harm themselves or others
* need medication or drugs to function
* are dissociated, unable to feel any emotions
* are dysfunctional and cannot cope with daily tasks
We assess individual client maturity, motivation
and readiness to change with questions like these:
- Are you mostly mature and responsible?
- Are you friendly? Do you have good friends?
- Are you reliable? Do you finish what you start?
- Are you honest? Do you generally avoid deception?
- Are you usually proactive to solving life challenges?
- Have you suffered enough? Do you want to change?
- Can you enjoy using new ways and new behaviors?
- Are you financially prepared to invest in your future?
- Are you ready to explore and change any self-sabotage?
- Do you intend to improve your health, wealth and happiness?
We help many couples with our couples coaching. Yet, we cannot
help every couple heal their partnership, especially if they have different
values, incompatible habits or unresolved mentor damage.
We expect difficulties when:
- one or both partners are cult members
- the partners are symbiotic or codependent
- the partners have reason to distrust helping
professionals
- one partner tries to make the other to go against his/her will
We coach many teams with our systemic management
coaching. But not all teams want to work together cooperatively. Here are some
symptoms of common team problems ... how might a
competent team leader react?
- A team member is overly talkative
- A team member continually distracts the leader
- A team member says, "Yes, but ..." to every idea
- A team member communicates: “I am always right”
- Two team members whisper while the leader is talking
- A team member accuses the leader,
“You make us look bad”
- A team member provides important information after decisions
are made
When Helping Professionals Fail
We find that common reasons why helping professionals fail to
help
are:
- Lack of offers: They do not offer clear choices
from which people can choose
- Lack of clarity: They do not describe their
objectives and models clearly
- Lack of flexibility: They are dogmatic and
stuck in some technique
- Lack of leadership: They want a symbiotic, immature
or codependent relationship
- Lack of congruence: They are incongruent with
people's values or goals
1. Lack of Offers
Many helping professionals advertise that
their work increases choice, but is that actually true? How can you check
before going through their processes? Many NLP interventions, for example, are
intended to create obsessions, and hypnotherapy is based on obedience
and compliance.
Many helping professionals believe that they know what is best
for you ... and if you object - why - you must be resistant or in denial. We
disagree - we would offer you as many choices as possible so that you can choose
where you want to go ... and how you want to get there. And if you
say yes hesitantly, we assume that there is a no
in there somewhere, and we check out more possibilities.
Ask a prospective counselor or coach how he or she determines what is best
for you. From a textbook? Using intuition? By some questionnaire? But if questioned,
some helping professionals will refuse to accept you as a client! You have
shown that you don't
intuitively trust them enough ... and it's maybe a good idea to look elsewhere.
2. Lack of Clarity
You can require some conditions for your professional relationship,
for example
- Make a service contract with the
practitioner
- Insist that all information is private and confidential
- Insist on space to challenge, change and/or veto their ideas
- You choose your goals - and you decide
if their method is helpful
- No reports will be made to anybody else
without your endorsement
If you are confused about about
the purpose of your coaching or counseling - prepare for failure. If your
practitioner is hired by a third person, parent or an organization, they are
likely not coaching ... rather, they are appraising performance, facilitating
communication, defining roles or setting objectives. These are all legitimate
efforts, but they may not
help you improve.
3. Lack of Congruence
Only accept help in ways that are congruent with your
goals and values. Imagine a sports coach who believes that the other team
should win ... for whatever reason. Does a practitioner:
- Support your values?
- Explore what you truly want?
- Make offers that you can choose between?
- Explore what
has prevented you achieving your goal?
- Clarify whether or not he or she personally supports
your goals?
If a helping professional persuades you or insists
that you to follow their decision - this is not help, but
compliance.
If they coach you, careless of whether you
succeed or fail, you are unlikely to enjoy the results. If they accept you as a client, but they serve the
needs and follow the direction of a third party, they are not only unethical,
they are setting you up for failure - perhaps expensive failure
4. Lack of Flexibility
Is this person a solution looking for a problem? Or
is he or she ready to help you define and get what you want? Dogmatic adherence
to a single model leads to failure. We
start with listening, exploration and building trust. One dimensional approaches
(e.g. prayer, meditation, massage) for complex emotional or relationship
problems usually leads to short-term good feelings and long-term failure.
Good coaching includes empathy, non-judgmental
exploration, diagnostic skills and flexibility. Beware of people who
want to sell you a single process. An effective coach is an outstanding
listener; more interested in your hopes, dreams and aspirations than in any model
or process.
Beware of people who apply athletic models of coaching to life. Athletic coaching is
very different to relationship coaching or executive coaching.
Athletic coaches are expected to be content experts - they know the sport and the skills
necessary for optimal performance.
Beware of coaches using military models. If a coach talks about
killing the competition, destroying resources or
defending territory, they may avoid responsibility
and abuse you ... you may be just another resource or income
stream.
Good life coaches need to be process experts.
They may not be experts in a specific emotion, family,
problem or service, instead they can help you develop skills to change or
manage your life challenges.
Effective changework is defined by you, not by the
coach. Effective coaching is a helping relationship, and requires
mutuality, openness and focus on you as a unique individual.
5. Coach-Client Dependency & Codependency
An important goal of a coach is to empower and withdraw.
Telephone and online coaching should not be "a long term relationship to
provide them a steady income!" A professional should not stay in
a helping relationship with you only for money. Codependency can hurt you.
Ensure that you and your practitioner agree about when and
how coaching will end, and resist temptations to prolong the relationship
needlessly. It
is important and empowering that you fly solo!
Our online coaching is more effective when
we limit ourselves to agreed objectives. Set these goals and limits early - and stick
to them. It is not good for you to create a long-term
dependency. If you feel that you are overstaying your welcome, fire your helper!
A termination plan can be an important part of a
service
contract. It empowers you and sets conditions for terminating the
helping relationship. Coaches who cling to clients for overly long coaching
often reduce their effectiveness and credibility ... and they may create
symbiosis or codependency.
Coaching can be a powerful developmental tool, and it
can also be used in shallow, manipulative and harmful ways. Coaches who want to
ensure their effectiveness, and people who want to be wise consumers of
coaching expertise can avoid dependency and codependence with contracts.
Enmeshments .
Codependent Therapists and Coaches
Online
Coaching & Mentorship
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