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Are you Growing Up or Growing Old?
Emotional Maturity & Emotional Reality by Martyn Carruthers

Would you like to benefit from our experience?

Your relationships can only be as fulfilling as your maturity allows. Are you becoming wiser and more mature? Or are you trying to extend your youth ... or even your childhood? If you have an adult body and retarded emotional maturity, you will likely create relationship chaos.

Continued from: Emotional Maturity 1

Your life reflects your maturity. If you want to improve your life, your relationships and the meaning of your existence, perhaps consider if you have really grown up - or have you just grown older.

  1. Your physical age indicates how many years your body has been alive.
  2. Your intellectual quotient (IQ) compares your intelligence to your physical age.
  3. Your social maturity compares your social development to your physical age.
  4. Your emotional maturity compares your emotional maturity to your physical age.

You can improve your physical health and IQ; and you can improve your social and emotional maturity. Emotional maturity is difficult for children and for those who habitually make excuses, justify mistakes and blame others. Improve your social skills and emotionally maturity with our systemic coaching.

How old are you emotionally?

Compare your behavior to emotional immaturity and emotional maturity. If you find yourself more on the immaturity side, you can use systemic coaching to help you evolve. If you find yourself on the maturity side, consider becoming a systems coach.

Immature people may demand immediate gratification. They cannot wait. They may seem thoughtless, moody and impulsive. They may be loyal only while you are useful. They often have chaotic social and financial lives.

  Emotional Immaturity Emotional Maturity
Love Love is need. Demands affection and love but avoids any sign of weakness. Has difficulty showing and accepting love. Love is sharing. Fosters a sense of security which allows vulnerability and strength. Can express and accept love.
Emotions Cannot handle frustration or criticism; jealous and moody. May have temper tantrums and fear change. Uses emotions as motivation. When frustrated, sets goals and seeks solutions.
Reality Avoids and denies money and relationship problems which require integrity. Seeks people to blame. Confronts and analyzes problems promptly. Seeks many solutions and chooses the best. Accepts responsibility.
Give & Take May be willing to give, but not take; or willing to take, but not give. Helps increase the quality of life of loved people. Accepts help from others.
Feedback Does not learn from experience. Good or bad experiences are called luck or fate. Little personal responsibility. Life is learning. Accepts responsibility and learns from feedback. Looks for opportunities. Moves on.
Stress Avoids reality, pessimistic, angry, attacks people when frustrated. Often anxious. Relaxed and confident in their ability to plan and achieve what they want.
Relating Dependent, easily influenced and impulsive. Avoids responsibility for actions or deficiencies. Sensitive to criticism, but insensitive to others' feelings. Independent, team-worker or manager as required. Cooperative. Experiences empathy, and compassion. A good friend, colleague, partner and parent.

Immature adults are not children nor teenagers - they are self-centered and selfish adults. They may have little regard for others. They may be preoccupied with their own feelings and symptoms. They may demand your constant attention, sympathy and compliments. They may avoid participation if they can't have their own way or be the best. They may be obsessed with impressing people.

Teenagers & Emotional Maturity

Teenage years can be difficult. They are no longer children but not yet adults. Teens may feel overwhelmed by their emotional and physical changes. They may be hormones with feet. They may face pressure from friends, teachers, parents and relatives. They may want to comply, they may want to impress and they may want to rebel ... simultaneously. They often feel confused.

Few teens can act like mature adults. They need a safe space to explore this time of transition. Many teens struggle with their dependence while wanting independence. They may experiment with clothing, behaviors, ideas and values ... as they try to define their identity and life goals. Our systemic coaching can accelerate the formation of adult identity, adult emotional reality and adult life goals.

How can you help Teenagers?

Communicate your values, expectations and limits. Teens decide how they feel about themselves in large part by how parents react to them. Perhaps insist on honesty, self-control and respect, while allowing teenagers their own space. Expressing loving support is the single most important action.

Avoid focusing only on problems. Avoid complaining and criticism. Praise appropriate behavior. Give teens positive, caring feedback. Consider getting systemic coaching for yourself and your teen. We can coach you both to look forward towards achieving your goals, we can help you turn visions into reality.

Warning Signs

Teenagers, especially teens with family problems, risk distorted emotional realities leading harmful behavior. Some warning signs of teen problems are:

  • Quickly bored
  • Weight gain or loss
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Melancholy or sadness
  • Drop in marks or grades
  • Low sense of self-worth
  • Trouble sleeping or waking up
  • Not caring about people or things
  • Fatigue, low energy, little motivation
  • Obsession with morbid (blood & guts)

Don't hope that teen problems will just go away. Talk to teens and listen carefully. It is easier to resolve problems when they are small. You and your teens can learn to work through problems together. Strive to be a role model for mature behavior. If you need help, we offer private sessions.

Practical Emotional Maturity

We find that emotional maturity can be learned, although some researchers claim that it is fixed. Perhaps this depends on how it is measured. Kevin Everett FitzMaurice described six levels of emotional maturity (from “SELF-CONCEPT: The Enemy Within”):

  1. Basic Emotional Responsibility
  2. Emotional Honesty
  3. Emotional Openness
  4. Emotional Assertiveness
  5. Emotional Understanding
  6. Emotional Detachment

Search for meaning in life that gives you a perspective of humanity, not only self-interest. A meaning in life helps build emotional maturity and set worthwhile goals to strive for. If you enrich your own life and the lives of others, you can find a satisfaction that is available only to the emotionally mature.

  1. Understand and accept yourself. Ask significant people for candid feedback about your behavior. See yourself as others see you. Avoid being defensive; accept reality and deal with it.


  2. Practice being unselfish. Notice how this feels and how others respond to you. Compare the responses with how others react to your selfishness. Which reactions do you prefer?


  3. Practice finding win-win solutions to conflicts. Avoid dominating others. If a solution to a problem isn't good for both of you, it won't be good for your relationships, nor for your life.


  4. Evaluate your friends and social contacts reactions. Notice which situations which bring out your best ... and your worst. Expose yourself to people and situations which bring out your best. Deal with your worst. Accept responsibility as a basis for your self-respect.


  5. Get emotional coaching ... we can help you find self-esteem and a sense of life that is only available to the emotionally mature.

Would you like to benefit from our experience?

Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2005-2010 All rights reserved


 

 

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Would you like to benefit from our experience?

America: Dragonfly, PO Box 675, Honaunau, Hawaii, 96726 USA
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: Centar Angel, Trnsko 13A, 10020 Zagreb, Croatia
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Workshop

Systemic Coach Training

Systems 1 How to evaluate relationships and recognize common entanglements
Systems 2 How to define life goals, and identify blocks, objections & conflicts
Systems 3 How to continue goalwork using interactive metaphors and Dreamwork
Systems 4 How to dissolve the consequences of abuse and trauma and rebuild motivation
Systems 5 How to change limiting beliefs and codependence for emotional freedom
Systems 6 How to recognize and resolve identity loss: recover lost qualities and lost skills
Systems 7 How to heal therapist or spiritual damage and provide inspirational mentorship
Systems 8 How to coach partners to build lasting happiness (and to separate peacefully)
Systems 9 How to coach parents to resolve family problems
Systems 10 How to coach team leaders and teams ... together
Systems 11 How to coach community leaders and communities
Specialty Advanced workshops and specialty training tailored to your goals

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2010 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We coach and train people to define and achieve goals, to resolve emotional blocks and to improve relationships. This information is for your general knowledge only. Please consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. You must get Martyn's written permission to post or publish his work.