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Are you Growing Up or Growing Old?
Are you Stuck in Teenage Habits? © Martyn Carruthers

Click HERE for help with Emotional Maturity

Your relationships can only be as fulfilling as your maturity allows. Are you becoming wiser and more mature? Or are you trying to extend your youth ... or even your childhood? Many people take drugs for illusions of maturity! Adults who are emotionally retarded usually create relationship chaos.

Continued from: Emotional Maturity 1

Your life reflects your maturity. If you want to improve your life, your relationships and the meaning of your existence, perhaps consider if you have really grown up - or if you have just grown older.

  1. Your physical age indicates how many years your body has been alive.
  2. Your social maturity compares your social development to your physical age.
  3. Your intellectual quotient (IQ) compares your intelligence to your physical age.
  4. Your emotional maturity compares your emotional maturity to your physical age.

You can improve your physical health and your IQ, your social and your emotional maturity. Emotional maturity is difficult for children and for people stuck in childish consciousness ... for example people who habitually complain, make excuses, justify mistakes and blame others. We help motivated adults improve their social skills and emotionally maturity.

How old are you emotionally?

Compare your behavior with people whom you consider to be emotionally immature and emotionally mature. If you find yourself more on the immature side, we can help you evolve. If you find yourself on the mature side, consider becoming a systems coach.

Immature people often demand immediate gratification. They cannot wait. They may seem thoughtless, moody and impulsive. They may be loyal only while you are useful. They often have chaotic social and financial lives.

  Emotional Immaturity Emotional Maturity
Love Love is need. Demands affection but avoids showing weakness except as a ploy. Has difficulty sharing and accepting love. Love is sharing. Foster a sense of security which allows vulnerability, honesty and strength. Can express and accept love.
Emotions Cannot handle frustration or criticism; jealous and moody. May have temper tantrums and fear any change. Use emotions as motivation. When frustrated, they set goals and seek solutions.
Reality Avoids and denies money and relationship problems which require integrity. Seeks people to accuse and blame. Confronts and analyzes problems promptly. Seeks many solutions and chooses the best. Accepts responsibility.
Give & Take May be willing to give, but not take; or willing to take, but not give. Increases the quality of life of loved people. Accepts appropriate help with pleasure.
Feedback Does not learn from experience. Good or bad experiences are called luck or fate. Little personal responsibility. Life is learning. Accepts responsibility and learns from feedback. Looks for opportunities. Moves on.
Stress Avoids reality, pessimistic, angry, attacks people when frustrated. Often anxious. Relaxed and confident in their ability to plan and achieve what they want.
Relating Dependent, easily influenced and impulsive. Avoids responsibility for actions or deficiencies. Sensitive to criticism, but often insensitive to others' feelings. Independent, team-worker or manager as required. Cooperative. Experiences empathy, and compassion. A good friend, colleague, partner and parent.

Immature adults are not children nor teenagers - they are often self-centered, egotistic and selfish people. They may have little regard for others and be preoccupied with their own feelings and symptoms. They may demand constant attention, sympathy and compliments. They may avoid participation if they can't have their own way or be recognized as the best. They may obsess about impressing people.

Teenagers & Emotional Maturity

Teenage years can be difficult. Teenagers are no longer children but not yet adults. Teens may feel overwhelmed by their emotional and physical changes. They may be hormones with feet. They may face pressure from friends, teachers, parents and relatives. They may want to comply, they may want to impress and they may want to rebel ... simultaneously. They may often feel confused.

Few teens can act like mature adults. They need a safe space to explore this time of transition. Many teens struggle with their dependence while desperately wanting independence. They may experiment with clothing, behaviors, ideas and values as they try to define their identity and goals. They may be both selflessly idealistic and selfishly irresponsible within a few minutes.

We can help motivated parents coach their teenage children to accelerate the formation of adult identities, adult emotional reality and adult goals.

How can you help Teenagers?

Communicate your values, expectations and limits. Teens decide how they feel about themselves in large part by how parents react to them. Perhaps insist on honesty, self-control and respect, while allowing teenagers their own space. Expressing loving support may be the single most important action.

Avoid focusing only on problems. Avoid complaining and criticism. Praise appropriate behavior. Give teens positive, caring feedback. Consider getting systemic coaching for yourself and your teen. We can coach you both to look forward towards achieving your goals, we can help you turn visions into reality.

Warning Signs

Teenagers, especially teens with family problems, risk distorted emotional realities leading harmful behavior. Some warning signs of teen problems are:

  • Quickly bored
  • Weight gain or loss
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Melancholy or sadness
  • Drop in marks or grades
  • Low sense of self-worth
  • Trouble sleeping or waking up
  • Not caring about people or things
  • Fatigue, low energy, little motivation
  • Obsession with morbid (blood & guts)

Don't hope that teen problems will just go away. Talk to teens and listen carefully. It is easier to resolve problems when they are small. You and your teens can learn to work through problems together. Strive to be a role model for mature behavior. If you want help, we offer private sessions.

Practical Emotional Maturity

We find that emotional maturity can be developed, although some researchers claim that it is fixed and unchangeable. Perhaps this depends on motivation or on how it is measured. Kevin Everett FitzMaurice described six levels of emotional maturity (from “SELF-CONCEPT: The Enemy Within”):

  1. Basic Emotional Responsibility
  2. Emotional Honesty
  3. Emotional Openness
  4. Emotional Assertiveness
  5. Emotional Understanding
  6. Emotional Detachment

Search for meaning in life that gives you a perspective of humanity, not only self-interest. This helps people build emotional maturity and set worthwhile goals. If you enrich your own life and the lives of others, you can find a satisfaction and relief that seems to be reserved for the emotionally mature.

  1. Understand and accept yourself. Ask significant people for candid feedback about your behavior. See yourself as others see you. Avoid being defensive; accept reality and deal with it.


  2. Practice being unselfish. Notice how this feels and how others respond to you. Compare the responses with how others react to your selfishness. Which reactions do you prefer?


  3. Practice finding win-win solutions to conflicts. Avoid dominating others. If a solution to a problem isn't good for both of you, it won't be good for your relationships, nor for your life.


  4. Evaluate your friends and social contacts reactions. Notice which situations which bring out your best ... and your worst. Expose yourself to people and situations which bring out your best. Deal with your worst. Accept responsibility as a basis for your self-respect.

We help people find self-esteem and a sense of life that is only available to the emotionally mature.

Click HERE to Boost your Maturity

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2005-2010 All rights reserved

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Hawaii, USA: Dragonfly, PO Box 675, Honaunau, Hawaii, 96726 USA
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Good Questions

Good Answers

Training

1. Where are you now? Assess relationship bonds and entanglements Systems 1
2. What are your life goals?  Identify your life goals ... and what blocks you Systems 2
3. How to reach your goals?  Use your conscious and unconscious resources Systems 3
4. What stops you?  Dissolve abuse and trauma to rebuild motivation Systems 4
5. What else stops you? Change your limiting beliefs to end dependence Systems 5
6. What else stops you? Resolve identity loss to recover qualities and skills Systems 6
7. What else stops you? Heal mentor damage and find quality mentorship Systems 7
8. What about your partnership? Build happy partnership (or separate peacefully) Systems 8
9. What about your children? We coach parents to resolve family problems Systems 9
10. What about your success? We coach team leaders and teams ... together Systems 10
11. What about your community? We coach community leaders and communities Systems 11
12. What about complex goals? Specialty coaching & training for unusual goals Specialty

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2010 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We help people define and achieve goals, resolve emotional blocks and improve relationships. This information is for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. Don't steal ... ask Martyn for permission to post or publish his work.