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We help people access, assimilate and integrate split-off parts of themselves,
including the part often called ego. We help people understand themselves,
and each other, as a basis for quality relationships and a healthy life.
What is Ego?
Ego simply means I in Latin, and is
commonly used to indicate a sense of personal identity. A sense of self
appears to be an essential part of the system of interacting elements
called a human mind.
Sigmund Freud used the word ego to define one of
the three parts of his structural model of the human psyche (id, ego and superego).
He considered these parts to be functions of a human mind rather than parts of
a human brain.
More recently, ego is used to imply,
an exaggerated sense of self-importance; conceit; pride in oneself; vanity
or inflated sense of self-worth which appears to emerge in early
adolescence. (It is this sense of ego that we
help people access, mature and assimilate or integrate).
Carl Jung said that consciousness and ego-consciousness are
the same. He wrote, "To be conscious of myself, I must distinguish myself
from others. Relationship can only take place where this distinction exists."
Jung's shadows are unconscious parts of ourselves which we hide and would rather not see
nor allow others to see - yet our shadows also hold our unrealized potential.
Living Without Ego
Although a desire to live without ego is commonly
heard amongst people who follow spiritual or New Age paths, and although
we can help people achieve this state (at least temporarily), few people who experience
this state want to stay in it. For most healthy people, the
price of feeling opiated is too high.
We can help people disconnect their emotions and cease
their egotistic internal dialog ... yet people in this state seem unable to
learn from their past, cannot make decisions now nor plan their futures.
People in such egoless states could be here and now -
and experience the world without judgment or commentary. Yet during this
experience
they usually become rather dysfunctional human beings.
People in these egoless states need guides ...
baby-sitters ... to function! Crossing a street alone can be too intense and
too dangerous as they may not recognize, label and predict events. Cars may be
perceived as colorful moving shapes and buildings are simply strange geometries. Living
without a sense of self is certainly possible, although if left alone without
caretakers, survival may be short.
After this experience, people often say, "Wow, that
was enlightening!", but the only people who want to stay in that state seem
to be people suffering from out-of-control emotions or internal dialog (e.g.
horrible feelings or intense self-criticism). We often provide effective coaching solutions to help
motivated people
change
chronic emotions and uncontrollable heavy self-criticism.
Some people ask to experience this
egoless state for a "vacation from reality"!
More traditional ways to end inner dialog or self-talk include
various drugs, meditations and mantras. Occasionally I meet people who have
followed some path to lasting inner peace (i.e. no self-talk) ... but who are
unable to cope with everyday life ... unless someone
looks after them. And they do appear to be enlightened according to their
own definitions.
People who erase or destroy their sense of self may lose
awareness of themselves as human beings. Transcending the ego, as described in
some Eastern and New Age philosophies, is often interpreted as erasing or destroying
the ego. But transcend need not mean disappear - transcend can also mean
"not be limited by." That is our basic approach to "ego coaching."
Ego as a Teenage Part
The experience commonly called ego includes a sense of
identity (e.g., “my teenage side”).
Our ego coaching is useful for helping people deal with with inner conflict or
dissociation. This forensic coaching helps people understand and access various
parts, sides or aspects of themselves. We often coach people to communicate
with, mature and integrate these parts of self with their dominant personality.
This may be complicated by the current Western fashion of adults who
dress and act like teenagers. Teenagers often avoid responsibility and commitments
that can lead to lasting happiness, instead focusing on fun distractions.
We perceive this as a huge problem in Western societies that depreciate maturity
and praise adolescence.
Many Western adults mimic adolescents. Many parents want to dress
and act like their teenagers’ friends and peers (although teenage children often
say that they dislike this intensely - most teenagers strive to be different to
their parents!)
A delayed consequence of a teenage ego might be a
mid-life crisis, when adult teenagers suddenly realize that a
decade or three has passed since their biological teenage years, that their bodies
are aging and that teenage fun and games no longer provide ego-fixes of fun or
excitement.
Origins of Ego
The modern use of the word ego includes a set of values and
behaviors generally centered on the ideas of differentiating oneself, gaining
respect, immediate gratification and (often) displays of
sexuality.
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All we ever do is try to please our ego;
it’s like we’re always paying
homage to our ego, offering it tea, chocolate and prayers. We dedicate
all our energy to our ego and what do we get in return? What does our
ego offer us? Mental pollution. It brings such a foul, suffocating smell
in our minds that there’s hardly room to breathe. Lama Yeshe
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I perceive most ego values and behaviors as being typical of
teenagers aged about 14-17, and I hypothesize that ego (as commonly
used) is a split-off part of self stuck in teenage values. Such parts
seem to originate during teenage trauma, abuse and relationship disappointments.
(Note that in our systemic coaching, I defined trauma as an
event that causes a person to split-off an emotional part, and abuse
as a trauma perceived to be maliciously caused by another person).
Already having experience in dealing with the consequences of
trauma and abuse, which includes expertise in accessing and maturing much
younger parts of the self, we applied this to the egoistic teenage
parts ... with excellent results. We devised ways to help people mature these
difficult aspects of themselves - in rather short time frames.
Ego Health & Survival Potential
Our survival potential seems subject to
internal and external constraints, both as a living system
and also as an element of many other living systems. If our environment is
stable, we need make little or no changes to survive. If our environment is
unstable, we can survive by adapting or changing.
Sometimes our individual health is less important
than the overall health of a human system. We may, consciously or
unconsciously, sacrifice our health for benefit the health of our family
or our community. We may sacrifice ourselves, consciously or unconsciously
for a common good.
Our survival potential within living systems reflects
our health and our ability to cope with stress - which can be biological, physical
or emotional stress. Our ability to cope with stress reflects our age, our
physical health, our ethnic background, our education and our genetic
heritage. Our survival potential also depends on the number and quality
of our relationships.
Our health reflects our
available energy, our flexibility, our immunity
and our motivation to cope with change. We can change our
survivor potential by changing any of its components. Our body
health is optimum when our immune system, cellular system and
endocrine systems are in stable equilibrium.
For me, excellent health includes excellent
emotional health. If our health suffers during stress, we can reactivate our health by
exercise, diet, rest and improving
our relationships - all of which appear to stimulate our immune,
cellular and endocrine systems.
Systemic Ego & Survival
By systemic ego I refer to behavior in a system
that involves interaction and feedback, both with elements within the system
and with the external environment. A healthy systemic ego reflects an awareness of
the influences of the system as well as the influences on the system.
An unhealthy systemic ego may attempt to dominate other systems ... consider
British football team supporters.
A systemic ego can support systemic success ... also called adaptation or
even
evolution. A lack of
adaptation or evolution can result in diseases of bodies, minds, relationships
and spirit; or even in systemic stagnancy, destruction ... or extinction.
A systemic ego may be called family soul or
team spirit - which is an
integral factor of a group's values and beliefs about themselves and their place in
a wider environment. (The work of Dr. Clare Graves predicts how
human systems evolve - and devolve - over time, due to internal and
external stressors).
Human systems motivated by a systemic ego to adapt
to their environment will strive to enhance their systemic success - often at
the expense of other human systems. This can motivate members to overtly and covertly
compete with or fight rival systems rather than to develop empathy and cooperation.
Rival systems that may profit from your system not
surviving may be systems that compete with your system for essential resources,
systems or whose success
can benefit from your system's absence.
Human systems need mature, authentic leaders who
can fulfill systemic ego goals - for example chart and direct paths into the future.
Less mature people want leadership
positions to fulfill teenage ego goals - for example to gain recognition and power.
Such people often consider themselves special
and in need of superior quality or quantity of resources.
If you want to live a fulfilling life, then your success and
your health may require
that you focus on systemic goals as well as individual goals, where your systems
may include friends, teams, partnership, family or community. Our coaching steps in this
direction may include:
- identify individual and systemic goals
- dissolve any objections
to fulfilling your goals
- evaluate which relationships support your goals
- clarify and resolve your problematic relationships
- change your toxic fixations and limiting core beliefs
- heal the consequences of any past trauma or abuse
- appropriate mentorship that supports lasting happiness
- develop mature partnership, team and community skills
Some keys to a mature and fulfilling life are knowing
what you want, knowing what
important people want,
and cooperating with those people to fulfill shared goals.
Online Ego Coaching to Accelerate Maturity
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers, 2010-2012 All rights reserved.
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