Systemic Solutions for Attachment Disorders
Better Family Relationships © Martyn Carruthers:

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The consequences of attachment disorders include children
who do not feel connected to parents, and, later,
family members who feel disconnected from each other.

To whom are you Attached?
See also Attachments

In psychology, attachments are the result of emotional bonding between people - for example between infants and their parents. Supportive attachment provides a secure emotional base for life, while interrupted attachment can delay emotional and social development. The consequences of  interrupted attachment may be most obvious in the ability to learn and the ability to relate. See also Coaching Children, Coaching Adult Children of Difficult Parents and Children of Divorce.

Why is Attachment important?

Most children bond positively to adults who show them caring and treat them well. If a child's bonding with a caretaker is absent or interrupted, the resulting behaviors are called attachment disorders. Attachment disorders may follow a difficult pregnancy or birth, substance abuse during pregnancy, parental conflicts, stress or trauma, separations from primary caretakers, abuse, neglect, parental mental illness or parents with poor parenting skills.

Chimpanzee and gorilla infants separated from their parents cry and refuse to be consoled. Then they become passive, and later they may ignore the returning parents. Human children often show similar reactions if they are ignored, abused, neglected or separated from nurturing adults.

Children often respond to painful emotions by hiding part or all of their identity, and compensate by creating limiting identity beliefs (unpleasant beliefs about self) that explains or justifies the caretakers' abuse or maltreatment (a simple example is: "I am bad"). Children with such toxic self-beliefs may have severe behavioral problems - for example they:

Children who bond to their caregivers with limiting beliefs instead of loving bonds may later be unable to participate in friendship, teamwork, partnership or parenthood. Instead they may excel in manipulation and deceit. Later, they may relate to their own children in similar ways.

Attachment Disorder Consequences

Disturbed children may destroy toys, threaten siblings and hurt pets. They create stress and tension if their parents try to limit and control family activities. The parents may attempt to express love to disturbed children, yet expressions of love may not resolve the situation. Some warning signs are:

The long-term consequences of interrupted attachment may not become apparent until a child's adolescence, when lack of relationship skills and emotional deficiencies become noticeable. Then affected children discover that they cannot function as mature adults. See Anxiety and Schizophrenia

Some parents express irritation, aggression or hostility towards their children. Some parents reject, fear or even hate their children, and both parents and children may later experience stress symptoms PTSD, depression or mental breakdown.

Children with attachment disorders may be charming to relatives, and schoolteachers. People outside the family may criticize or condemn the parents, as the parents may appear to be hostile or angry towards such a nice child without justification. From our systemic perspective, such children have recruited adults to express anger towards their parents! (This is rather similar to our systemic perception of intra-family identification with a victim which we associate with chronic anger).

Interrupted Attachment: Antisocial & Psychopathic Behavior

Extreme consequences of interrupted attachment may be a tendency to disregard other people's rights (antisocial personality disorder) or to violently harm others (psychopathic personality disorder). Most people diagnosed as antisocial or psychopathic seem to have suffered severe familial and societal difficulties: a history of neglect, rejection, abuse and insults (Martens 1997) and damaged relationships. They may:

1. seek sensations
2. pretend emotions (Cleckley 1984)
3. act out violent impulses
4. not consider the consequences of their actions ... and much more

1. feared losing a child,
2. did not resolve their own conflicts,
3. encouraged immature qualities in an adolescent,
4. projected their own unwanted qualities onto a child, (Eidemiller & Yustitky 1987)

If you cannot feel guilt or remorse, how different would your life be? If you are not forcibly stopped, you can do whatever you wish. This is a world view of a psychopath - about 1 person in 25. Their victims often report that antisocial and psychopathic behavior reduces their life energy ... some people request shamanic coaching to combat soul eaters or energy vampires.

According to the American Psychiatric Association (DSM-IV, 1994),
psychopathic personality disorder overlaps antisocial personality disorder.

Developmental Disorders . Personality Disorders

Bonding with Children

Bonding positively with a child includes simple things: maintaining eye contact, or holding a child in your arms and rocking gently. Give smiles, safe touches and gentle movements. Help a child feel secure. Be consistent and patient to help a child decide to trust you. Do not expect rapid results!

Make opportunities to do things together - show the child that he or she is cared for - perhaps sing or read together, play games together and work together. Parenting is not easy. See Parent Coaching

Parenting Children

Bond with children by helping them feel secure. Although you cannot force children to bond, being consistent and patient helps children relax. Parental tough love can help children make decisions and deal with conflict. Solving problems can teach a child how to consider requests, responsibilities, actions and consequences. Examples are:

• Use physical exercise as discipline
• Keep children busy, or have them do "quiet sitting"
• Ask a child to do many chores ... and leave those chores undone

Parenting children with attachment disorders is difficult, although both parents and children can recover. Avoid taking a child's behavior or insults personally, and avoid blaming anybody. Stay within your limits and be persistent. Recovery usually requires time, effort and help!

We can help you if you want.

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Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2012 All rights reserved

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Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2012 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers
to help people dissolve emotional blocks and improve relationships to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work.