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Are you looking for a perfect partner? Do
you seek someone who will make your life complete?
Are you searching
for a Soul Mate? Or maybe you've found one? Or perhaps you lost one?
Sometimes I barbecue sacred cows ... and
this one seems overdue for a good grilling!
I meet many people who were searching for
soul mates - people who believe that finding an ideal counterpart will
automatically bring happiness and fulfillment. While yearning for
integration and connection and partnership enhances life, old beliefs
and habits can really get in the way and immaturity can truly mess
things up.
Western philosophy originated in ancient Greece. Over
2000 years ago, Plato wrote that we are conceived perfect, and then split
in half by the god Zeus. Plato described our loneliness, our desire for lost
perfection and our search for a twin soul ... sometimes called a
soul mate or twin flame.
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... and when one of them meets the other half,
the actual half of himself, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship
and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight even for a moment ...
Plato (340 BC)
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Many people believe that certain people
are fated to play important roles in each other's lives. Whether this is
the influence of Zeus or fate or a wheel of karma,
many people seek a special person who will complete their happiness
... and feel completed by them. During a search for a soul mate, a series
of potential perfect partners is often found - but each person is
sooner or later rejected as inadequate.
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Seeking a soul mate. You must be single, a great
communicator ... love life ... love nature ... good physical shape ...
great sense of humor ... professional ... financially healthy ... and
ready to treasure me. Newspaper Ad, Ontario
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While happy partnership is one of life's
treasures, people seeking such a special soulmate may put their lives on hold, and judge
all potential partners as not special enough.
Those people may be searching for missing parts of themselves, or for missing
people from their past.
If the presence of a person triggers wonderful
feelings, and the absence of that person triggers feelings of boredom,
loneliness or worse, there is a risk of falling in love with one's own good
feelings - and trying to stabilize those good feelings by clinging to the other
person. For such people, however, finding happiness independent of the partner can put
their relationship into an immediate crisis.
Soul Mate Challenges
Many people have told us about how they
sought for and finally found a soulmate ... and how they behaved together
... and how they separated. The patterns and consequences are fascinating. A
common pattern is that a person is attracted to a soul mate, but marries someone
else. A common consequence is that one of the children of the marriage try to
become the missing soul mate!
A yearning to feel connected in a lasting
partnership is life-enhancing. I find that many obsessions about soulmates are
based on teenage romances, media stars, parents or on the qualities (often
assumed) of a missing or dead family member - perhaps an aborted sibling or a
vanishing
twin.
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I never expected to meet a soul mate ... we were both
married, with kids ... our affair hurt our partners and our children.
We were both crazy in love and we both acted like children. During our
coaching I realized that our love required our immaturity. When one
of us grew up - it was over.
Saint John, Canada
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People seeking soulmates may burden their partners with
often-unspoken demands to fulfill their idealized dreams. On an even darker side,
people seeking a soul mate who also experience
inner emptiness may balance
their search with other compulsions - notably drug, food or alcohol abuse.
For such people, if a soulmate obsession abates,
substance abuse may increase, replacing one set of compulsions with
another. (Some people endlessly search for the perfect recipe, or
wine, or drug ... or pet, or car or computer ... doesn't it start
to sound rather familiar? Good enough is not enough.)
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I finally met my soul mate ...
I fell head over heels in love ... but within six months we both felt
trapped ... my disappointment was beyond imagination ... I put on 50 pounds ...
during my coaching I realized how empty my life was ...
now I am filling my life with myself. Glasgow, Scotland
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Idealized Partners
For some people, a soul mate must look and act
like some teenage love, or like a favored actor or actress, or must have
enviable financial resources. Or all of the above.
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My real goal is to be rich and single, and
my real problem is that I don't meet many eligible bachelors who are dying ...
it's very win-win ... my ideal soul mate would die happy and I would live happy!
Miami, Florida |
Some people have a string of affairs while
waiting for the perfect partner, while others just wait and hope,
often repeating a mantra like "If it's meant to be
it will happen" ... until they they either give up - or decide to
participate in life rather than watch it pass by.
Idealized Parents
Some people seek a soul mate who is like a parent
... this seems to come in two flavors. The first is that the potential soul mate
must have qualities similar to a beloved parent. The second is that the
potential soul mate must have qualities that a person wanted a parent to have.
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I started searching for a soul mate
after my mother died ... I fell in love with a woman ... part of me was VERY
happy while another part of me wanted to escape. During our coaching I
realized that this woman had the qualities that I very much wished my mother
had had. Johannesburg, South Africa
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I find nothing wrong with an
inner child searching for a
parent-like partner, but there are consequences ... for example if the inner
child grows up or if the partner stops wanting to play parent to a partner.
(I hope that this article can help a
few people who are making a mess of their desire for happy partnership.)
Idealized Siblings
Many seekers of soulmates appear
to seek a missing or dead brother or sister. Not just any sibling, but one whose
absence left a guilty hole in the family. In my experience, it seems that
a sibling born immediately before or after a child who died of accident, neglect
or abortion is most at risk. (Abortion is commonplace in many countries, and
seems to have many other unpleasant consequences).
Dr. William Baldwin, wrote in
"Spirit Releasement Therapy" that
a dead twin attaches its soul to the surviving twin. Dr. Alice Rose wrote
in "Coping with Eating Disabilities" that some eating
disorders are the result of a twin dying in the womb due to competition
for nourishment. Dr. Michael Newton, author of "Destiny of Souls"
reports that his clients have
"primary soul-mates" rather than twin souls.
Ultrasound tests show that perhaps 30% of people start
life as twins, but the twin disappears in the first month of
pregnancy. The surviving twin may develop emotional problems, even if
the child is not told that a twin vanished. For more on this,
see Solutions for Vanishing Twins.
Beliefs, Bonds & Soul Mates
I have met soul mates who describe their partnership
as profoundly spiritual, intimate, mature and inspirational. And I have
coached soul mates who seemed enmeshed in unrealistic expectations,
symbiosis and codependence. (Clinging often summarizes
their behavior together.)
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I always felt that a
wonderful woman was waiting for me ... hurting and broken ...
it was my
life task to find her and heal her ... I was looking
for damaged women that I could help.
Since my coaching, I feel more
complete ... I want to be with complete people. |
I enjoy meeting people in healthy partnerships. Their
wonderful relationships are often characterized by accepting each other,
encouraging each other, gratitude, communication, respect, solving problems quickly,
talking about feelings, planning together and working together to raise
children, build a business or help their communities. But healthy
partnership requires huge commitment and many skills.
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I have been married four times
... I keep my first wife in my heart ...
I would like to find a woman who is good enough to take her place ...
but I would feel very empty if I let go of my first wife.
Philadelphia, USA |
Tips for Finding a Life Partner
Many people who search for an idealized soul mate may be
responding to
guilt ("I hurt someone"),
transference ("I want a partner
who looks like / acts like ..."),
identity loss ("I search for part of me");
beliefs
("I am incomplete") or on a
womb-twin ("someone very important is missing").
- If you act childishly ... expect
childish results!
- Avoid damaged people (unless
you want to suffer).
- Don't just hope that someone finds you.
Do the work.
- Know what qualities
you offer ... and project them in your life.
- Know what qualities a partner MUST have,
and what qualities are merely important.
Who are your role models for healthy partnership? Relationships
that provide intense romantic feelings may make great affairs but
are unlikely to survive the details and demands of everyday life.
Happy, lasting partnership requires emotional maturity and
mature partnership skills.
We coach motivated adults to
resolve emotional and relationship entanglements.
We help people build quality relationships.
Click HERE for Help with Soul Mates
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
2010 All rights reserved
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