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Are you entangled in stressful
relationships or painful emotions with a sibling?
Do you suffer from childhood anger or trauma associated with a
brother or a sister?
We help people untangle and improve difficult family relationships.
Part 2:
Sibling Rivalry & Family Chaos
I wanted to write a simple article
on the consequences of birth order on personality ... yet the existence
of siblings (living, dead, aborted or missing) and the behavior of parents
create complex patterns of family dynamics. If two families with children
merge - everything I describe is usually be
much more complicated ... and is outlined in
blended families ... Martyn
Note ... if you feel strong emotions
as you read this, especially if you have difficult relationships with your
siblings, please stop reading and distract yourself, and consider seeking
emotional support.
Children, regardless of birth order or number of
siblings, seem to cope better with growing up if they feel loved by and loyal to
both parents. We find that if, for whatever reasons, the parents cannot maintain a comfortable, committed
partnership or cannot encourage their children's maturity, both the parents and
their children may suffer chronic emotional stress; and the children of such
families are likely to consider chronic stress to be normal.
Single Children
During childhood, single children often live primarily in adult worlds.
If their parents have a healthy partnership, single children usually learn how to behave and how to entertain themselves. They tend
to be mature and creative, although they may not relate well with other children of their own age.
Later, as young adults, they may relate better to other adults than children who grew
up with siblings.
If their parents were immature, one parent - often the
opposite sex parent - may inappropriately bond to the child, creating waves of
confusion that may last a long time - see covert
emotional incest. Many years ago, Alfred Adler predicted the consequences of
both parents spoiling their only child,
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“The only child ... becomes dependent, always waiting for
someone to show him the way, and searching for support.
Indulged throughout his life he is unused to difficulties, because
someone has smoothed his path for him. Being constantly the centre of
attention he easily acquires the feeling that he is valuable. ...
He is almost certain to pick up misconceptions about life." Alfred Adler 1927 |
Single children of lonely or depressed parents may
discover that they can influence their parents' moods and behavior,
and they may try to 'parent' their parents. Such children may assume
a burden of responsibility for maintaining their parents moods;
a burden that they may never put down ... a burden that may crush them.
Single children of doting parents may not learn
how to deal with ordinary animosity, injustice and conflict until adulthood. They
may withdraw from difficult situations and comply with more assertive
children, even at personal loss. Healthier children can compete and even
fight for their possessions or values – without feeling compelled to bully, harm or hurt
other children.
Lonely children with dead or missing siblings
(through adoption, abortion, infant death etc) may feel that someone
important is missing, and invent phantom friends or compensate for their missing siblings. Later in life they may carry
a burden of chronic emotions or become dissociated.
First Children
First children often seem to carry the most responsibility
of all siblings. If the first child dies, leaves the family or is weak, this responsibility
may be taken by the next child in birth order. If the eldest child was male, and
the next-in-line is female - the girl may spontaneously show tomboy
behavior, as she attempts to compensate for her missing or weak older brother.
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I always saw my older brother
as weak. During my coaching, I realized that I tried to take his place.
I parented him, and I tried to be the strong son that our father wanted.
Now, with three divorces and your coaching behind me, I can finally be
who I am - a woman. Denver, USA |
Some parents want a first child to be a
boy. Then, a first girl-child may feel under pressure to be boy-like, and
become a tomboy. Occasionally, parents want a girl - but have a boy.
Such boys, as adults, may have difficulty defining their sexual orientation
and finding an appropriate partner.
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My parents wanted a son and then a daughter.
As their second son, I always felt that I was a mistake ... they always expected
me to be delicate and passive ... my older brother became the macho kid and I
became the weakling. We are still that way. Belfast, Ireland |
First children who were treated as special
may feel distress that other people do not recognize their
special-ness. This seems to prevent many first children from ever seeking help. Why
should they change? They are special! (They may believe that they cannot
benefit from help designed for ordinary people.)
As adults, favored children may be unable to
dissolve their parental bonds and develop the maturity required for
committed partnership.
They may get lost in addictions or affairs
as they search for substitutes for happiness.
Brothers and Sisters
In families with more than one living child, conflicts between
siblings are common, and can persist into adult life. The first two children
are often have quite different personalities - the first-born and second-born
children may appear to
identify with one or the other parents (and parental expectations) and act out
their parent's conflicts. Thee third and subsequent children often
appear to have more emotional freedom.
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I find that if I help parents
resolve their emotional baggage
- their conflicts, transferences and entanglements, some of their
children's issues seem to magically disappear. This may be most obvious
when children have learning problems.
Martyn |
If an immature parent tries to live vicariously
through the life of a child (often the first male child), that child risks
becoming a child star. Nothing the siblings do may seem to be good enough. As a child star tries and fails to carry the responsibilities
of an immature or missing parent, he or she may
emotionally burn out and become a scapegoat for family problems ... a black
sheep that other family members blame ... perhaps for years.
Stressed children may feel highly motivated
to leave home - to leave the town or even the country, with little motivation to return.
As adults, these people may comment, "I would get sick /
go crazy if I returned!"
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After her divorce, my mother
married a man with four children, which meant eight children in a small
house. I started hitch-hiking around the country when I was 14, and left
home when I was 17. I just couldn't stay in my parents' home.
Newport, Wales |
Siblings who suffer from a lack of parental
attention may strive to gain the full attention of their parents, something that
only a first child, a child star or sick child may experience.
Other siblings may feel that they would benefit from any failure of a child star,
and resent that child's successes. This (hardly conscious) childish attitude may
continue for life, unless it becomes conscious and can be assimilated.
Last Children
The youngest children may carry least responsibility
in family systems, and be the most fun-loving, although a father may perceive
the youngest daughter as his Little Princess
- and enjoy her immature love. If the youngest child is male - the boy
may express passive or feminine behavior to gain his parent's attention.
Middle Children
The middle children of families are often less
competitive - the parents don't give as much time to each child and
so most middle children learn to cooperate.
They are less likely to carry the terrible burden of feeling special
or wanting special treatment.
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My older brother (19) acts like he is
a king and my younger brother (15) acts like a baby. They both expect me to
look after them! I just want to be a sister! My parents don't know what to do.
I can't wait to leave
home. Trieste, Italy |
Birth Order
The birth order of a child will affect how he or she sees
himself. Research on birth order, sometimes called ordinal position, shows
that first children are more likely to go to college than other children. Healthy
parents can help all children to perceive themselves as unique individuals and
avoid comparing themselves with their siblings or with other people.
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My older brother was the golden one
and could do no wrong. I was the black sheep and I could do no right. We
fought endlessly, and I was always blamed ... we were in our thirties and
we still avoided each other ... until your coaching. Manchester, UK |
Do the adult siblings want to resolve their issues?
Or do they only want to avoid unpleasant emotions and difficult
conversations? We help motivated adults clarify their relationships
and transform problematic emotions as they build or rebuild mature
relationships that make sense.
Continued in:
Sibling Rivalry & Family Chaos 2
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Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers 2008-2010 All rights reserved
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