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Systemic Coach Training: Parental Alienation (PAS) Part 1

Martyn Carruthers

We offer private coaching and interactive workshops on systemic coaching, relationship happiness,
family chaos and resolving parenting stress. Contact us.

PAS Part 1: Before Adolescence

PAS Part 2: After Adolescence

When Children Hate Parents

Although it is a crime to 'incite hatred on the basis of color, religion, or creed', inciting hatred is common in dysfunctional families. A family member may be manipulated to hate another family member. A parent who incites a child to hate the other parent is guilty of Parental Alienation (PAS) - sometimes called emotional blackmail. A child is abused so that a partner can gain an advantage.

Many of the consequences are immediate, and some are delayed for years. Later in life many people experience buried emotions and realize the extent of the damage from being abused as a child. An example of these cross-generational entanglements is identification with a victim.

Soulwork systemic coaching can help dissolve the consequences and prevent recurrence of abuse. Note that PAS is not gender-based - both fathers and mothers can and do play this terrible game..

My Child Hates Me! / I Hate My Father!

There are systemic causes and consequences when a child rejects a parent,. Both the family and the community will respond emotionally, usually to support the mother, regardless of any manipulation used to incite the child's rejection.

In extreme cases, a child victim of PAS may commit abuse and violence against a parent. A child, usually a boy, may attack or abuse the hated parent - usually the father.

July 2004: Mass, USA

An American teenager legally terminated his father's parental rights following the murder of his mother by his father. BBC News, July 2004

August 2004: Texas, USA

A 10-year-old son of a divorced American couple shot his father dead near his mother's home in Texas, police say. The divorce was described as "bitter and ugly" by the father's friends. BBC News, August 2004

Who Gets Hurt?

Children are intelligent and sensitive to family relationships. Although many adults consider children to be stupid and naive - children may be unable to communicate their observations with adult language - and be ignored or ridiculed if they try. Children often communicate with symptoms.

  • A child may be manipulated by a parent, for revenge or for custody
  • A child may be simultaneously manipulated by both parents to reject each other
  • A child may be guided by family or community members to reject their parents
  • Adopted children may be encouraged to reject their birth parents

A child who rejects a parent, the rejected parent and the supported parent will show predictable, often severe emotional consequences. The suffering associated with these consequences are often ignored.

Parent Alienation Syndrome may include emotional incest. If so, later in life, the "emotionally entangled" adult child may suffer future partnership problems and sexual dysfunction.

[ Coaching Children ] [ Mother-Son Entanglement ] [ Father-Daughter Bonds ]

Parents who Alienate Children

Parental alienation predicts common behavior patterns that we see during marriage counseling, family therapy and relationship coaching. Cases of PAS concern separation and custody of children. However, most families, communities and courts seem to support biological mothers and deny support or custody to biological or substitute fathers, regardless of facts.

Parental Alienation Syndrome

Either parent can initiate a sequence of events leading to PAS.

  1. A custodial parent (e.g. a mother) of pre-adolescent children rejects the partner (e.g. the father)
  2. The children support one parent by rejecting their other parent
  3. The custodial parent asks the children to "tell the truth"
  4. The children support their custodial parent and reject their other parent - with lies
  5. The rejection of the other parent may include false memories implanted by the custodial parent
  6. After adolescence, the children may reject their custodial parent and support their other parent

Systemic Sequence of Parental Alienation Syndrome

  1. The parents of children experience a partnership crisis that they cannot resolve
  2. Instead of getting help, they become emotionally entangled in their crisis
  3. One or both parents neglect the consequences on their children
  4. One parent consciously rejects the partner's qualities (behavior, beliefs and / or values)
  5. The parent also rejects the partner's qualities in the child
  6. The child denies or suppresses qualities similar to those of the rejected parent
  7. The child identifies with the rejecting parent, who is often perceived as a victim
  8. The child dislikes and represses the "dangerous" qualities of the rejected parent
  9. The child dislikes people who have similar qualities to the rejected parent
  10. The child rejects the rejected parent - privately or publicly
The toxicity of PAS is not only in the description of the syndrome but also in its conclusion - in the solutions chosen by courts. Sometimes, if PAS is diagnosed, the hated parent is given custody of the child, against the child's own will. This is becoming common in America.
Teresa Mocna

Part 2: After Adolescence

Immaturity & Child Abuse

Children may suffer from the sometimes vicious tactics that immature parents may use to punish each other. Although immature parents express depression, anger, and aggression by withdrawing love, alienating a child's parent is child abuse. Our coaching can help dissolve the consequences of:

  • physical, emotional or sexual abuse
  • using children as 'dependent hostages'
  • instilling children with false memories
  • betrayal of one partner by the other
  • emotional incest
  • court ordered suffering - child custody by the hated parent

Click here: Questionnaire - PAS Abuse ... Systemic Coaching - Your Next Step

Do you want relationship coaching or systemic coach training? Do you want to coach people to resolve relationship challenges? Do you want to coach people to fulfill their dreams? Contact us.

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2004 - 2008 All rights reserved.


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Workshop

Systemic Coach Training

Systemic 1 How to evaluate relationship dynamics and resolve entanglements
Systemic 2 How to define life goals, identify blocks, resolve objections & plan for success
Systemic 3 How to do or continue goalwork using metaphors and dream coaching
Systemic 4 How to recognize and dissolve abuse and trauma, and rebuild motivation
Systemic 5 How to change limiting beliefs and toxic relationship bonds for emotional freedom
Systemic 6 How to recognize and resolve identity loss: recover lost qualities and lost skills
Systemic 7 How to end mentor or therapist damage, and provide inspirational mentorship
Systemic 8 How to coach couples and partners to remedy partnership issues
Systemic 9 How to coach whole or parts of families to solve family blocks
Systemic 10 How to coach teams and team leaders to resolve team problems

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996 - 2008 All rights reserved. Soulwork systemic coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We train people to coach others to manage emotions and improve relationships. This information is for your general knowledge only. Please consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. Link to our pages, but get Martyn's written permission to post or publish his work.