Part 2 - Men who Fixate on their Mothers
We help people manage unpleasant
emotions and improve difficult relationships.
We also mentor helping professionals to work with such clients.
Scholars of religions and folklore
have commented that fixations between mothers and sons constitute the
basis of many cults, myths and legends. Men's obsessions with their mothers seem to underlie
much emotional abuse and unhappy relationships.
Here's a quick check for mother
fixations. (If you are a man - ask some
trusted female friends to honestly rate you). If you have five or more YES answers,
maybe investigate this issue. Does a man ...
- obsess about his mother?
- strongly react to criticism?
- expect women to serve him?
- demand devotion - not just love?
- not commit to happy partnership?
- damage other people's relationships?
- show jealousy, anxiety and insecurity?
- act like a child or like a tyrant ... or both?
- brag, boast and lie in attempts to be special?
- have obsessive interests and few social skills?
- expect other people to fulfill his responsibilities?
- try to rescue married women from their husbands?
- chase women - quantity not happiness is important?
- not show anger - but may attack or sabotage people?
- act impotent, perhaps with penile erection dysfunction?
- act like a narcissist - he demands attention or he leaves?
- obsess about a daughter or about young, immature women?
- do many of these things repeatedly yet energetically deny them?
- avoid couple coaching, marriage counseling or relationship therapy?
- believe that he knows more than professionals with years of experience?
Little Prince - his story so far ...
If a lonely mother perceives her son as special,
he will try to be special. He may become prematurely adult or retreat
into fantasy or even psychosis. Instead of enjoying childhood, he may
develop adult obsessions and become
a prisoner of self-deception - a prisoner who does not want to escape.
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Men who fixate on their mothers may be unable to maintain partnerships
with
women - unless a woman acts like a mother ... or a daughter!
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Peter Pan Grows Up
Lost and lonely mothers may love their sons in ways that are more appropriate for
partners. Such mothers and sons may share intimacies or plan family activities
together. Few sons can resist a lonely mother ... but the wives of those sons
often carry the biggest burden ... and blame their mothers-in-law.
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My parents divorced and I stayed with my
mother. When I was 13, my mother got into bed with me. She stroked my body
... I knew it was wrong but I couldn't move. It kept happening until I
threatened to tell my father ... at 32 I could hardly stand the touch of
a woman - any woman. Since your coaching last year, I am engaged to be
married. Memphis, Tennessee |
The consequences include chaos. A displaced father may seek affairs,
separation, or have psychosomatic symptoms.
Mother and son may together care for his father, as if the father was their
difficult child. The son feels that he is somehow special - but he
depends on his mother for his sense of specialness. Later, a self-absorbed
son may find that obsessive devotion by an immature woman is the only
love he can recognize and accept ... and that anything other than devotion cannot
be love.
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My son is 35 years old. His father left
us 30 years ago. Although he was a brilliant student, my son has no ambition.
He has no interest in anything except my cooking. I bought him an apartment
- but I cannot make him move into it. He says I need a man around the house,
but if a male friend visits me, he is upset for days.
Sydney, Australia |
Often, the parents' partnership may worsen as a mother and son
become closer. The father may feel jealous and angry, and hide or ignore
these feelings, and withdraw from his wife, until some sort of emotional
explosion and/or emotional separation, which may precede physical separation
by years.
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I live next door to a couple with twelve year
old boy. The mother and son are often cuddling, and the boy says he often
sleeps with his parents. A few weeks ago I saw
the mother and son both naked on a couch. I avoid them all now.
Brussels, Belgium |
As a bonded boy passes adolescence, he will want to explore boy-girl
relationships, but if he is bonded to his mother he may have no space
for a partner. He may be shy and nervous - or he may be promiscuous and hurt
many girls. Is he an adult-boy? Is he a child-man? Is he his mother’s partner?
Is he his father's rival? The life of a
Mother's Boy may only make sense if he tries to fulfill his fantasies.
Life Patterns of Men who Fixate on Mothers
Few mother's boys can enjoy long-term partnerships with women. Instead,
they often flare out in their twenties, and spend their lives as
might-have-beens, perhaps blaming all women for their problems.
Unless they resolve their enmeshment, some common life-patterns of mother-bonded men are:
- Pedophile: Avoids partnership with adults but obsesses about
children
- Macho / Womanizer: Avoids partnership - has many girlfriends and
affairs
- Artist / Rocket: Young creative brilliance, often followed by
adult dysfunction
- Introvert / Nerd: Avoids partnership by withdrawal, may stay at
mother's home
- Gay / Bisexual: Avoids partnership with women, prefers
relationships with men
- Mother, where are you?: Avoids partnership - only loves women who
mother him
- Philosopher: Avoids partnership by rationalizing and denying
feelings and emotions
- Priest / Monk: Avoids partnership by abstinence (often searching
for a perfect Father)
Mothers' boys often believe that they are special and that they need not
change. They may become angry and defensive if confronted with evidence of their
mother-fixation. They rarely ask for help, and if coaching is offered, they may say that they feel
too special or too clever to need help.
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Princess, having experienced Princes,
seeks Frog
Bumper Sticker (Hawaii, USA) |
Little Prince’s Relationships
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My mother-in-law is crude, vulgar and
stupid, but my husband is devoted to her ... he finds nasty ways to hurt me
if I hint that his mother is anything less than perfect. London, UK |
Mother-bonded men can relax with other men who have similar fixations,
although they may never realize how their fixations wreck their lives.
They will likely feel strongly attracted to father-bonded women who
also suffered psychological incest - call them
Daddy's Princesses.
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I've fought my mother's dependence since I
was a teenager ... I was my high school valedictorian, I have a B.S. degree,
but I worked most of my life as a postal clerk.
California, USA |
If an immature man partners a mature woman ...
- She wants to talk about feelings, but he may only discuss feelings with his mother
- She becomes sad, angry and demanding – perhaps just like his mother
- They may create a stable addict-helper codependence, and / or
- They may create or adopt a baby in an attempt to re-create intimacy, and / or
- He may decide that his role in their relationship is insufficiently special ...
and leave
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My spouse had several addictions,
such as alcohol and smoking, which he overcame, and a sexual addiction,
for which he is being treated. Most of his problems are connected to my
mother-in-law. He is blindly loyal to her and always takes her side.
Whenever he hurts anyone, no matter much hurt he caused, she defends him.
After reading your Little Prince, I feel that my spouse has taken that
role with his mother. When can we start? Toronto, 2003
Martyn, I cannot begin to understand how I found you
and our wonderful sessions. I believe that God sent
you to our lives at the right moment. I can't thank you enough for your
help. I am still overwhelmed at the revelations of yesterday ...
Toronto, 2003 |
Consequences
Many wives resent their mother-in-law's interference. If a
mother-fixated man must take sides between his wife and his mother ... he
may reject his wife (and if he supports his wife against his mother, he
may later blame his wife for alienating his mother.)
The way out is usually the way through. We help
people change parental bonds,
manage their emotions and create the type of relationships that they really want.
Little Prince: Part 1 .
Little Prince
Part 3
Online Coaching for Healthy
Relationships
Plagiarism is theft. © Martyn Carruthers,
1998-2012 All rights reserved.
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