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Did you or your partner miscarry during the first
20 weeks of a pregnancy?
After 20 weeks, a spontaneous abortion is usually called stillbirth.
About 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage or stillbirth.
People affected by miscarriage or still-birth
may become feel disconnected from their friends and partners, from their families
and communities, and from their God. Sometimes
miscarriages and crib death can replace joy and connectedness with depression
and withdrawal.
Healing the Consequences of Abortion :
Spiritual
Consequences of Abortion
Does Miscarriage, Still-Birth or Crib Death affect You?
We help people resolve
grief and loss. If you suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth, not only did you lose a baby, you suffered a death in the
family, perhaps without the closure of a funeral. You may
have felt isolated with your grief.
The loss of a baby can result in guilt, depression, mourning,
shame, self hatred, insomnia, anger and aggression in the parents ... and in siblings
(especially the next born). Our
post-abortion coaching and post-miscarriage coaching can help family members sort out their emotions and
improve relationships with parents, surviving children and other family members.
Crib death refers to the sudden and unexpected death of a baby, without a
known illness, typically under six months of age, usually while sleeping. Crib
death is also called Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). We also offer coaching and
counseling
following crib death or SIDS.
Emotions following Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Crib Death
An early miscarriage may be minimized and invalidated
but it is the bond with the baby, not the duration of the pregnancy,
that seems to determine the grief, depression, loneliness and sometimes guilt. Depression
may affect not only the parents, but also the siblings - especially later children.
Do you or a family member still suffer following a miscarriage
or still-birth?
- Are you easily depressed?
- Are you taking care of yourself?
- Do you hold you back from intimacy?
- Do you experience recurring dreams?
- Do you feel anger, grief, shame or guilt?
- Do you hear babies crying when none are near?
- Do you try to turn off your feelings or memories?
- Do you feel chronic anxiety with no apparent cause?
- Do you feel further from your parents, family or spouse?
- Do you feel uncomfortable around babies or pregnant women?
Are other children affected?
Following a miscarriage or stillbirth, siblings may experience
depression, obsessions about babies, or eating or sleep disorders and carry
these symptoms into adulthood. A child may identify with the lost sibling with
predictable unpleasant symptoms. (People who identify with a
dead, missing or vanishing twin
may experience similar symptoms.)
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All my life I felt guilty. During our sessions I realized that
I always felt a dead presence in front of me ... felt like an older sibling ...
felt like an older brother. My parents won't talk about it but you helped me deal with
it, and now I can better enjoy life ... Boise, Idaho |
Consequences don't care about good intentions!
We help families alleviate the emotional and
relationship consequences of children's deaths. Consequences may
be carried by living children who feel enmeshed or entangled with a
dead
sibling.
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A 13-year study of pregnancy-associated deaths, published in
the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, found that the maternal
mortality rate associated with abortion is 3 times higher than the maternal
mortality rate associated with pregnancies carried to term. |
Children's relationship entanglements show up as inappropriate
behavior and strong emotions, although the impact of these
entanglements may be
latent until adolescence. Entangled behavior and
bonded relationships are usually expressed by the late
teens and the consequences may last for decades.
- I am entangled with a victim (chronic anger)
- I am entangled with a hero (chronic anxiety)
- I lose access to my self (chronic dissociation)
- I am entangled with a dead person (chronic sadness)
- I am entangled with two people in conflict (chronic conflict)
- I am entangled with people I have hurt (chronic guilt or depression)
Life gives Birth to Life
Most mature people want to find partners and raise babies to independence.
Adults who cannot have children may may dedicate themselves to some social or religious
cause or they may obsess about substitutes for partnership and children, or about helping
children. Or they may suffer depression.
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When I told my young son about my miscarriage - he cried
for days. He said that his brother had died and he asked why the baby died
and not him? Seattle, Washington |
Causes of Miscarriage and Still-Birth
It is often difficult to identify a specific cause, but common causes
of spontaneous abortion include:
- Genetic: About half of all
miscarriages reflect chromosome abnormalities
- Hormones: Women with
hormonal irregularities are more likely to miscarriage
- Infections: Some illnesses
such as German measles, may cause miscarriage.
- Accidents & Violence: Severe pressures to the
abdomen may cause miscarriage.
- Anatomical: A weak or
irregular womb (uterus) or large fibrosis may lead to miscarriage.
- Drug Use: Smoking, alcohol, some painkillers and
illegal drugs are associated with miscarriage
- Ectopic Pregnancy: About 1%
of all pregnancies are ectopic (the fetus grows outside the womb). After
about 8 weeks the fallopian tube usually bursts, killing the fetus - and also the mother if prompt medical attention is not available.
Who really Suffers?
Children require endless attention, time and love. After a
miscarriage, damaged relationships and depression may be attributed to
other causes. Miscarriages may seem to make sense - for example if a fetus
was
deformed. But consequences don't seem to care about
the goodness of intentions. Other family members and particularly other
children may suffer as a consequence of miscarriage.
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I was pregnant for the first time.
We told everyone who would listen. We learned everything we could about
pregnancy and baby health. Then I started bleeding and had a miscarriage ... we
were
still devastated two years later. Belfast, Ireland |
Men and Miscarriage
Miscarriages often make men nervous. Not only are
men upset about the loss, they may not know what to say and they may have had
conflict about whether or not they wanted a baby at this time. The partnership may become
strained and the partners may turn away from each other rather than towards each other.
Discussing feelings after a miscarriage is often relationship first aid. If you find that there is too much stress on your relationship
right now, our couples coaching can help you work
through your emotions and improve your partnership.
Emotional Consequences of Miscarriage and Stillbirth
Following a sense of attachment to an unborn baby, certain
reactions are likely if that baby dies. These reactions include anger,
disappointment, emptiness, grief, sadness and a feeling of isolation.
During pregnancy, most parents seem to create imprints
of the imagined characteristics of their unborn children. If the child is lost,
parents need to grieve their dead child and recover those parts of themselves
that they invested in the imprints before they can feel connected to a
subsequent child.
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I don't regret my abortions ... you don't see anything bad.
My problems were gone and I can keep on having fun ... my boyfriends are
grateful ... I will have children when I am ready. Boston, Mass
I emailed you about my abortions years ago. Since
then I got married ... I had three miscarriages in two years ... Do you think
they're connected to my abortions? Boston, Mass |
Miscarriage is a Family Issue
Partners, parents, siblings and other children experience
post-miscarriage reactions, including guilt, depression, anxiety and damaged
relationships. If you are not healing emotionally from your loss, perhaps
social workers or psychotherapists can help you. Although the consequences of
abortion and miscarriage can
be painful and distressing, we help people find relief and peace.
Since you started reading this page, a few thousand women have just had
miscarriages and still-births. Many of those lost pregnancies will result in
emotional and relationship consequences that the parents and children do not
understand and cannot resolve. We can help you.
Online Coaching & Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. © Martyn Carruthers, 1997-2012 All rights reserved.
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