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Do you want to rebuild a committed happy partnership?
Or do you want to end an unhappy partnership peacefully?
Or do you just want to make up your mind?
Are you having an affair now?
(See Part 1)
Might your partner
be having an
affair? (See Signs of Affairs)
But we both wanted to ...
The experience of
romantic love may seem to replace any need to develop mature partnership
skills. However, when the problems of daily life together causes
lovers to evaluate and confront their goals, responsibilities and transferences,
then they can create deeper bonds, or stagnate, or have affairs ...
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I had affairs because ... my partner was too
good to throw away,
but not good enough to keep! BC, Canada |
Predictable Partnership
. Enjoying Partnership
. Consequences of Abortion
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We both had an affair ... we thought it was
better to have four happy people
than two unhappy people! But we separated anyway. NB, Canada |
Who has Affairs? People like you!
Many people appear to have intimate affairs to
feel in alignment with a parent of ancestor. Dissolving the bonds with that
ancestor can greatly reduce the motivation to have affairs. Almost anybody can have an affair
if they choose to do so. Here are some
common justifications.
- Do you have opportunity and time?
- Do you yearn to fulfill a transference?
- Do you want to relive your younger years?
- Do you want to punish a partner or past partner?
- Do you have unmet physical desires or emotional obsessions?
- Do you want to diminish the intensity or intimacy
of your partnership?
Reasons for Intimate or Sexual Affairs
You may say that an affair merely fulfilled your
needs, and helped you avoid feeling lonely or bored. Your behavior may imply,
"I want to temporarily feel good regardless of the lasting consequences of my choices
on my partner or family - or on my affair-partner's family - or on our future
families".
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Some authorities manifest their
repressed shadow side or
emotional
incest as
public attacks on people who do what they hide, fantasize
or dream about.
(Many people who say they "never would ..."
still do!)
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We repeatedly find that people who have extra-marital affairs
are entangled with their parents. As they cannot enjoy stable, committed
monogamy, they justify their sexual motivations with: "I want ...
- excitement and adventure
- to rescue or help someone
- to seduce or to be seduced
- to avoid the reality of my aging
- to fulfill an impulse or compulsion
- to feel desirable or sexually potent
- new or unusual sexual experiences
- to defy my social, religious or parental rules
- to enjoy love, intimacy, and companionship
- to enjoy sensual pleasure and sexual release
Attacking, criticizing or defending these justifications
will not improve relationships nor resolve partnership needs. We help people dissolve their entanglements and restore peace, balance, respect and love
... in caring relationships.
Sexual Abuse
. Sexual Dysfunction
. Sexual Solutions
But we were so much in love...
The experience of romantic love may seem to replace
any need to develop maturity, and physical,
emotional and spiritual partnership skills. However, sooner or later, lovers
will confront their responsibilities and transferences. Then they can either
create deeper bonds, or stagnate, or separate.
Predictable Partnership
. Enjoying
Partnership . Consequences of Abortion
Affairs & Divorce
- Divorce is more frequent among people who have
affairs.
- Some
people will say that affairs help them survive marriage.
- Women who have multiple affairs have the highest divorce rates.
- For a woman, if a male partner has a homosexual
affair with another man - there may seem no alternative to separation.
- For a man, if a female partner has a lesbian affair
with another woman - this may not be perceived as betrayal. He may
even ask to join them.
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Women may give sex to get
love and men may give love to get sex! |
Affairs & Recovery
Although one or both partners may use
complaints and excuses to justify their deception and betrayal; romantic or
sexual affairs usually follow emotions from
suppressed or unmet needs. Our first step to recovery and rebuilding a healthy
partnership is
relationship diagnosis. We can help if you:
- identify with someone else (identification)
- have lost your "sense of self" (lost
identity)
- experience chronic conflict (complex
conflict)
- obsess about some other person (entanglements)
- express trauma and overwhelming emotions (trauma)
- cannot control your sexuality (could be
emotional incest)
- express toxic or resourceless "I am ..." beliefs
(relationship bonds)
- carry guilt or depression from previous relationships
(entanglements)
- follow toxic role models or post-hypnotic suggestions
(mentor damage)
- avoid communicating your agendas, values and needs
(partnership skills)
Coaching after Affairs
Romantic affairs have strong emotional consequences, which may
be delayed until an affair is over. We can help people resolve emotions such as
anger, sadness, fear and guilt, and the behaviors these emotions typically
provoke. (This is not a complete list).
- Anger provokes Blame: Following exposure, the partners may
energetically and uselessly argue about topics such as "Who
really caused this?" or "Why did you make me do it!"
- Sadness provokes Grief: The suffering of betrayal, broken dreams and
shattered love may be overwhelming to the betrayed person. In extreme cases
a suicide
attempt follow a romantic affair.
- Fear provokes Denial: Many people who choose sexual affairs will
deny and lie about their actions if the truth may bring immediate
unpleasant consequences.
- Guilt provokes Depression: The betraying partner, the betrayed partner and
the "third person" carry burdens of guilt, which may be
immediate or delayed. Hidden guilt can manifest as
anxiety,
depression,
hypochondria and psychosomatic
symptoms.
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The children of parents who had affairs may
carry emotional burdens. A common example is that an adult child feels compelled
to find and marry someone who is like a parent's affair partner, or like a
parent's first love. Emotions can cross generations. |
Following a partnership crisis, it may seem impossible
for the partners to avoid overwhelming emotions and childish reactions.
We can referee desperately needed discussions
and clarification. We offer:
- Individual coaching with both partners
to clarify emotions, entanglements and
bonds
- Couple coaching with both partners
to recognize and resolve transferences, make decisions
and plan their future together or apart.
Healing Partnership after Affairs
Romantic affairs rarely last more than two years. Short-term
solutions that attempt to fix and forget the surface symptoms of
affairs may not resolve or even expose the underlying entanglements.
We can help people heal entanglements and emotional bonds, and
dissolve relationship damage.
Effective and joyous partnership results from partners
know and respect each other's values and needs; and by cooperating to
fulfill those needs. We help people develop partnership skills, end relationship damage and rebuild happiness.
You need not be alone.
Do You Want Results?
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2012
All rights reserved. |
