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Few topics fascinate people more
than love. We think about it, we talk about it, we hope for
it, we fantasize about it, we attempt to achieve it and we may feel that
our lives are incomplete without it.
Most of us know how it feels to
love ... and to be loved. But we may not understand how or why we fall in love or -
at least as important - how or why we fall out of love.
Were you taught that romance is magical? Were you
taught that falling in love was an important
and expected step to a goal of a happy life? Were you taught that partnership is
easy ... if you love each other enough? Do you still believe this?
Falling in love is a profound feeling; while
falling out of love can bring profound suffering.
A Brief Psychobiology of Love
People's brains change when they are in love
- in similar ways to some mental illnesses or illicit drugs. Falling in love can be
addictive, and falling out of love is often associated with withdrawal symptoms!
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Hard-core scientists often focus on what can
be easily measured, and rarely appreciate other important aspects of human
existence such as personality, beliefs and values.
Kosjenka Muk, MA, Soulwork Trainer |
Falling in love seems to have three main phases,
associated with hormones and neurotransmitters.
- Lust is driven by estrogen and testosterone
(affecting both men and women).
- Attraction is associated with dopamine and
serotonin. People in love may feel obsessed. They may
eat less, sleep less and day-dream about their partner.
- Attachment supports a lasting commitment and helps
bond lovers together. This is associated with vasopressin and
oxytocin.
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There's convincing evidence that oxytocin is involved in mediating
stability, pair bonding
and monogamy; the enduring parts of love Dr. Hans Zingg, McGill
University. |
Most people experience a surge of oxytocin
bonding during extended touch, for example during sex or massage, and a surge of
dopamine during arousing activities. Both trigger feelings of love and romance.
As love can be addictive (probably to forms of
amphetamine-like adrenaline), falling in love can have symptoms like
substance abuse, and falling out of love can have serious mental health
repercussions, similar to symptoms associated with withdrawal from illicit
drugs.
Emotional Emptiness
If children do not feel loved and connected in
childhood, they can split-off their needy hunger, to survive the
disappointment and stay sane. But they can become aggressive, passive-aggressive
or passive victims as adults. Many adults seem to confuse need
with love.
Emotional emptiness (dissociation) is not love -
nor even a desire for love. People who try to fill their lonely void are
unlikely to seek healthy relationships. They are more likely to fixate on or
obsess about codependent or symbiotic relationships. Their split-off childish
self (inner child) may seek some sort of
parental devotion, and they may feel caught in a spiral of hope and disappointment.
We find that same-sex parental entanglements seem
to support homosexual and bisexual fantasies.
Choosing a Partner
People select potential partners both consciously
and unconsciously, and some people say that they cannot override their strong
motivations. Depending on your history, you may feel attracted to or repelled by ...
- people with authority
- people who appear rich
- people who resemble a media figure
- people who act like your parent, sibling
or past love
True Love
You may have believed your first infatuation was true love because you had not experienced such emotional intensity
before. You will probably remember this experience for the rest of your life
... and compare future experiences to it. (And you may be irritated by people
who dismiss puppy-love).
To fall in love with someone else, you may compare
that person to your (perhaps immature) first-love experience. If you feel
feelings that match your criteria, you may again decide that you are in love.
You may feel that a person is a true
love because you remember your feelings with that person and your memories of that person as one thing ... but they are two things. (And you may later
discover that you loved your feelings more than you loved the other person.)
We coach people to learn from
disappointments ... as steps to healthy partnership.
Love and Happiness
Sometimes I define happiness as a profound and lasting
experience of well-being and fulfillment that survives and even grows
during hard times. Many people feel emotionally whole when they care
about the happiness of other people; and when those other people care about
their happiness. When someone supports their happiness and life purpose, they
may feel connected to that person and included in that person's life.
Yet love, as I was taught to understand
it, is often a cover or an excuse for unhealthy behavior. When I coach people
who describe unhappy partnerships, I often ask, "Why do you want to stay
together?" Often the first answer I hear is "because we love
each other".
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You asked us, "Why do you want to
stay together?" I was shocked ... I said lots of stupid things at first
but the real answer was fear ... fear of being alone, fear of a cold bed, fear of having a worse
relationship and so on. Montreal, Canada |
To enjoy a healthier intimate partnership, you can
first examine your beliefs about romantic love. If you do not have healthy
beliefs, then you have little chance of having healthy relationships. If your
beliefs about romance are based on fairy tales, popular songs and movies from your
childhood, then you are likely to be disappointed in your intimate relationships
- again and again.
Conditional Love
Children notice that if they are obedient and cooperative,
their parents smile and touch them gently and speak kindly. With their words and
behavior, parents communicate their love for their children.
Real children sometimes fight, make noise, get bad grades and make
a mess. Do parents still smile and speak gentle, kind words? Just as people
communicate that we are loved, the absence of those behaviors can communicate
a lack of love. Children learn: I am only loved if I do certain things.
Substitutes for Love
People who feel unloved often try to fill their emptiness with
distractions and substitutes - money, sex, alcohol, drugs, violence, video games
and chocolate are common. Some people become predators:
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From an ebook about dating for male predators Do something lame like a movie if you
have to, nothing special. They say movies is a terrible first date because you
can't talk much, but I think that's perfect, you dont want to know the
bitch - you just want feel her up and get some action
afterward.
Hit it and quit it. She'll never know you faked the
date....or maybe she will, but who gives a sh*t - you'll never see her again. Or if
you want you can keep in touch and become "friends with
benefits" or f*ck buddies, but be warned, women get attached after the 2nd
date. |
Like addictive drugs, the pleasure of praise, power, fun, money and sex become increasingly brief.
People work harder to
get the desired effect, and eventually become
exhausted and frustrated. No matter how well they get substitutes, they
don't get the feeling of connection that comes with mature love. They still feel disconnected.
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I did everything I could. I praised him, I pleasured him and
I tried to give him everything he asked for. I just wanted the same treatment. I
wanted us both to feel good. But we just got more and more irritated with each
other until we broke up. Vienna, Austria |
Often, falling in love is jus an exchange of
substitutes. Many people start relationships based on what they hope to receive
and expect to give. This marketplace attitude may be great for
affairs, but seems to be a poor foundation for partnership.
Rebuilding Failed Relationships
So many relationships end in separation, and many people who
stay together often settle for less than they had hoped for. When troubled
couples ask for crisis coaching, they often ask, What happened?
They are confused, wondering how they changed from soul mates to combatants.
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At first we made each other very happy but later we both felt that
each other had somehow failed, and we both blamed
each other for withholding love ... our loving relationship had become a
battle of, "Who failed first?" Fort Lauderdale, Florida |
Relationships based on substitutes will likely fail - no matter how wonderfully the
couple felt in the beginning. Later, when the effects of substitutes wear off, as they must, being lies,
such people are often left clinging to broken dreams and damaging beliefs.
Relationships can be rebuilt if they are built - not
on substitutes for love -
but on a foundation of emotional maturity and
partnership skills.
Online Coaching for Loving Relationships
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2004-2012
All rights reserved. |
