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Do you take drugs instead of improving relationships? Drugs are easier
than applying intelligence,
focus and analytical skills. Drugs are cheaper for
patients (in the short term) and more profitable for health professionals than
resolving relationship issues.
It is unwise to ponder personal
identity issues while driving or operating machinery!
Part 1: Recognize Identity Loss
Recognize Identity Issues
I use the word
identification to refer to the
usually-subconscious acceptance of a substitute personality. I us lost identity
to refer to chronic highly dissociated behavior (consider a
stereotype mathematics professor engaged in solving a complex problem)
and identity conflict to
refer to chronic conflicting behavior or mood swings (think of
classic ideas of "split personality").
I use the words
relationship bond to refer to
deep beliefs about identity (e.g. "I am special" or "I am bad")
... and I help people rationalize and change such beliefs.
Identification: I don't know what possessed me!
Most people learn life skills by identifying with role models.
And many people act as if they remain partially identified with one or more
people, usually from early childhood. An identified person may feel normal
while acting in ways that most other people consider abnormal.
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Identification
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I always felt that something or
somebody was close to me, directing my behavior. Mostly I felt protected
- but I sometimes felt overwhelming
sadness that didn't ever make sense.
Fredericton, Canada |
The behavior of people who have identified with someone
else is fairly predictable:
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Victim Identification |
You asked about when my anger
towards my husband started. It started long before I met him ...
my mother was a victim of my father ... he was always horrible
to her and I was always angry. Zagreb, Croatia |
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My wife is angry and
suspicious of almost everybody. She
behaves like all unknown people are criminals, so I keep her away from my
employees and my customers. Boston, Mass |
An identified person feels intense emotions when
expressing the unexpressed emotions of a role model (consider your emotional
experience while watching a thriller movie at a cinema). Such emotional
expressions may be a massive relief, whatever the consequences. Identified
people often deny reality and may say that they are right in a wrong world.
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Dead Person Identification |
During our coaching session you
asked me about my closeness to my dead grandfather ... yes, my dead
grandpa felt totally "me" - he felt more me than myself.
Prague |
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I always felt like I
was in mourning. You suggested that I ask my mother if she had an abortion ...
she said that she had three abortions before I was born ... I cried all
night! I always wanted an older sister. Vancouver |
Identity Conflict - Split Personality
Do you sometimes experience deep conflict? Part of you wants to
- but part of you doesn't? A person with identity conflict may feel normal,
just and right, even when switching between two distinct personalities, each
with very different goals, beliefs and values. (A person with extreme
identity conflict may be diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
If a person forgets his or her prior behavior when changing persona - this might
be labeled multiple personality).
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Identity Conflict
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All my life I felt conflicted ...
I was always trying to do two different things at the same time. I would
make decisions or promises in one mood, and change them in a few hours
... I drove people crazy. London |
We can help people dissolve Identity Conflict,
and it can become rather easy to recognize. People may express strong
mood swings (and not notice!); or they may break promises or deny decisions
made in the "other" personality. As I heard in Canada -
the lights are on but nobody is home.
Lesser symptoms may be difficult to perceive only because
are so common. They are normal! Somebody switches from grumpy to friendly
... and back. Somebody doesn't make clear decisions. And so on. We help people
end indecision or mood swings. (See this transcript on
complex conflict).
The Lights are On - Is Anybody Home?
Do you know people who are so preoccupied with their
fantasies that they cannot make decisions? (They may be a salesman's dream -
they can be told what they want.) They may be overly compliant when young
- and may become obsessive-compulsive or addicts when adult. They may try
to fulfill their empty lives in therapy groups or
cult-like organizations.
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Lost Identity
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I just felt empty and
my work was robotic. My wife divorced me but my marriage and family
life seemed pointless anyway. I couldn't really make decisions, but
only followed other people's directions. Birmingham |
It's a sad fact that some people disconnect from
their core values (or self); or disconnect from shared reality
(family or community). We coach people to reconnect with
themselves.
Do you know people who ...
- have no goals and does not participate in life
- are extremely reserved or generally preoccupied
- cannot define goals - wait to be told what they want
- have little internal motivation - must be
told what to do
- express few emotions or feelings - even
when appropriate
Part 1:
Recognize Identity Loss
Reclaim your Personal Identity
Do you spread your life energy into too many projects
and difficult people? If you don’t reclaim your energy, you may feel
overwhelmed, exhausted or over-extended. Then, even a small crisis,
relationship disappointment or other loss may push you over some edge.
Do you lose touch with yourself sometimes? Are you caught
between busy schedules, family problems, illness and relationship challenges?
Do you feel lost occasionally? Why not learn to enjoy self-discovery as
you reclaim your personal identity.
Explore what you need now. If you are stressed, you may
need calm. Following a loss, you can identify exactly what that person, thing or situation
gave you. Once you know what is missing, you can seek appropriate ways to
replace it.
We help people pull themselves together. We
coach people to dissolve the consequences of stress and recover
the parts of themselves that were denied, hidden or split off. We help
people change unpleasant feelings and split-off emotions to become wonderful
life resources.
Online Coaching for Personal Identity Issues
Plagiarism is theft.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2003-2012 All rights reserved.
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