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When I studied with native Hawaiian healers, one teacher, Papa Henry,
told me that the
average ha'ole (white American tourist) carries enough guilt to
kill a native Hawaiian.
I thought he was exaggerating, and I have since realized that many
Westerners
manage their burden of guilt by ignoring, dissociating or
medicating unpleasant feelings.
People who cannot dissociate guilt may feel
overwhelmed and obsessed by it, and if life ceases to make sense, they may
descend into depression. But people who dissociate guilt may also find that
life ceases to make sense
- except that they don't know or have forgotten why that should be.
Guilty or Not Guilty?
Many of our ancestors seem to have
studied guilt as a scientific discipline and an art form, and used it as a tool
for social-engineering and family planning. We're good at guilt. For most people, guilt seems to refer to
unpleasant feelings connected to beliefs
about injustice. People who say I am guilty may mean:
- I feel regret for real or imagined mistakes
- I fear retribution for abusing or
violating someone
- I feel I am responsible for a person's pain
or suffering
- I feel frustrated when I see someone suffer
that I cannot help
- I feel confusion for not responding to a
situation in a better way
- I feel remorse for egocentric, aggressive,
critical communications
- I feel sad about missed communications
with someone who has died
Under the feeling called guilt seems
to be a sense of justice that limits choice until injustice has
been amended. This sense of justice seems to be part of a sense of life
or desire for happiness.
If guilt requires self-hatred or a denial of reality,
then guilt may lead to depression rather than to improvement. We help
people resolve guilt by dissolving relationship bonds
and entanglements and increasing
emotional maturity.
Guilt, Manipulation & Influence
Guilt is a common and powerful tool used to manipulate
or influence people. Some people may manipulate you, and perhaps you
influence others. If manipulated by guilt, you may believe:
- you must sabotage your own success
- you are responsible for relationship
problems
- someone will suffer if you do not fulfill a
demand
- you must fulfill demands, even if you do not
want to
- you should feel bad for past, present or
future actions
- you are at fault for inaction, and you
should atone for it
- you will suffer (jail, hospital, death, divorce,
...) if you act
- you must perform tasks or duties that are not
your responsibility
Avoid Guilt ... or Resolve Guilt?
Some common ways to avoid dealing with guilt are:
- become perfectionist
- avoid making decisions
- distract yourself or overwork
- ignore your needs and desires
- retreat to inactivity and silence
- ignore most of your emotions and
feelings
- become overly sensitive to other's needs and
desires
Guilt can be a useful barometer of your need to live
life based on rational thinking. People who try to avoid feeling guilt may
successfully avoid feeling any emotions. They may lose their ability to
learn from internal feelings and lose contact with their emotional
identity. We call this Identity Loss.
Guilt & Beliefs
We help motivated adults change beliefs by which you may attempt
to rationalize your feelings. Forgiveness is rarely the answer - until you can
truly forgive yourself. Do you try to take one step from sin to forgiveness,
without repentance and restitution? It doesn't work. Unresolved guilt returns as
shame or depression - and although roots can grow deep in the dark, why extend
your darkness?
Common guilt-ridden beliefs are:
- I do not deserve to be happy
- It is my fault if others are not happy
- I am responsible for my family's happiness
- I am responsible for anything happens to my family
- I must not be happy when people expect me to suffer
- I must always be responsible, conscientious and caring
Can you Forgive?
Forgiveness is an abused word. If you are told to forgive
someone ... what does that mean? When I teach in Catholic countries in Europe -
I will usually ask the class HOW to forgive someone who has hurt you. The most
common answers I hear are typically;
- Lies: "I will pretend to forget what you did
to me - you son of a bitch!"
- Devils Deals: "I will ignore what
you did in Boston if you ignore what I did in Miami.">
- Spiritual Ego: "Because I am so
incredibly spiritual ... I forgive you."
For me - to forgive means to not
punish. It does not mean to forget or to be superior
to. A more important concept in my coaching is to atone
... how can people atone for their actions? ... what can they do for the injured
person to balance their hurtful actions?
Guilt and Maturity
Maturity isn't an award given to good children. Some
people develop maturity, while other people avoid it. We can help people check if
their reasons for feeling guilty are valid. And then we can help people
resolve any hurtful decisions. Some thoughts to consider:
- Responsibility. Was it really
your responsibility or fault?
- Reality. If you can overcome
your feelings of guilt and shame
- Analysis. Remorse can be
constructive if you learn from consequences
- Motivation. If you harm
someone, their suffering is a result of your actions.
- Forgive. You will make
mistakes: if you don't make mistakes you are not normal
Guilt issues don't just go away. If you have hurt people,
for example a parent, a partner or a child, your guilt can depress your
life - even after your hide or forget about it. Guilt can trigger
depression, lost sense of life, self-sabotage,
psychosomatic symptoms and even suicide. We help people ...
- avoid repeating regretted actions
- forgive themselves ... and understand
other people
- remedy relationship damage or emotional
consequences
- change behavior by changing their
communication or focus
- resolve abuse, abandonment or betrayal in ways that
ends guilt
We coach motivated adults to dissolve and manage
guilt, and its many unpleasant consequences to themselves, their
partners and their children.
Click HERE to make an appointment!
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers, 2003-2010 All
rights reserved
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