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When I studied with native Hawaiian healers, one teacher, Papa Henry, told me that the
average ha'ole (white American tourist) carries enough guilt to kill a native Hawaiian.
I thought he was exaggerating, and I have since realized that many Westerners
minimize their burden of guilt by ignoring or dissociating unpleasant feelings.

People who cannot dissociate guilt may feel overwhelmed and obsessed by it,
and if life ceases to make sense, they may descend into depression.
But people who dissociate guilt may also find that life ceases to make sense
- except that they don't know or have forgotten why that should be.

Guilty or Not Guilty?

I find words like love, betrayal and guilt to be difficult to define. For most people, guilt seems to refer to unpleasant feelings connected to beliefs about injustice. People who say I am guilty may mean:

• I feel regret for real or imagined mistakes
• I fear retribution for abusing or violating someone
• I feel I am responsible for a person's pain or suffering
• I feel frustrated when I see someone suffer that I cannot help
• I feel confusion for not responding to a situation in a better way
• I feel remorse for egocentric, aggressive, critical communications
• I feel sad about missed communications with someone who has died

Under the emotional reaction called guilt seems to be a sense of justice that limits choice until  injustice has been amended. This sense of justice seems to be part of a sense of life or desire for happiness.

If guilt requires self-hatred or a denial of reality, then guilt may lead to depression rather than to improvement. We help people resolve guilt by dissolving relationship bonds and entanglements and increasing emotional maturity.

Guilt, Manipulation & Influence

Guilt is a common and powerful tool used to manipulate or influence people. Some people may manipulate you, and perhaps you influence others. If manipulated by guilt, you may believe:

• you must sabotage your own success
• you are responsible for relationship problems
• someone will suffer if you do not fulfill a demand
• you must fulfill demands, even if you do not want to
• you should feel bad for past, present or future actions
• you are at fault for inaction, and you should atone for it
• you will suffer (jail, hospital, death, divorce, ...) if you act
• you must perform tasks or duties that are not your responsibility

Avoid Guilt ... or Resolve Guilt?

Some common ways to avoid dealing with guilt are:

• become perfectionist
• avoid making decisions
• distract yourself or overwork
• ignore your needs and desires
• retreat to inactivity and silence
• ignore most of your emotions and feelings
• become overly sensitive to other's needs and desires

Guilt can be a useful barometer of your need to live life based on rational thinking. People who try to avoid feeling guilt may successfully avoid feeling any emotions. They may lose their ability to learn from internal feelings and lose contact with their emotional identity. We call this Identity Loss.

Guilt & Beliefs

We help motivated adults change beliefs by which you may attempt to rationalize your feelings. Forgiveness is rarely the answer - until you can truly forgive yourself. Do you try to take one step from sin to forgiveness, without repentance and restitution? It doesn't work. Unresolved guilt returns as shame or depression - and although roots can grow deep in the dark, why extend your darkness?

Common guilt-ridden beliefs are:

1. I do not deserve to be happy
2. It is my fault if others are not happy
3. I am responsible for my family's happiness
4. I am responsible for anything happens to my family
5. I must not be happy when people expect me to suffer
6. I must always be responsible, conscientious and caring

Can you forgive yourself?

Maturity isn't an award given to good children. Some people develop maturity, others avoid it. We can help people check if your reasons for feeling guilty are valid. And then we can help people resolve any hurtful decisions. Some thoughts to consider:

1. Responsibility. Was it really your responsibility or fault?
2. Reality. If you can overcome your feelings of guilt and shame
3. Analysis. Remorse can be constructive if you learn from consequences
4. Motivation. If you harm someone, their suffering is a result of your actions.
5. Forgive. You will make mistakes: if you don't make mistakes you are not normal

Guilt issues don't just go away. If you have hurt people, for example a parent, a partner or a child, your guilt can depress your life - even after your hide or forget about it. Guilt can trigger depression, lost sense of life, self-sabotage, psychosomatic symptoms and even suicide. We help people ...

• avoid repeating regretted actions
• forgive themselves ... and understand other people
• remedy relationship damage or emotional consequences
• change behavior by changing their communication or focus
• resolve abuse, abandonment or betrayal in ways that ends guilt

We coach motivated adults to dissolve and manage guilt, and its many unpleasant consequences to themselves, their partners and their children.

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2010 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We coach and train people to define and achieve goals, to resolve emotional blocks and to improve relationships. This information is for your general knowledge only. Please consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. You must get Martyn's written permission to post or publish his work.