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Raising children exposes a parent's maturity - and immaturity.
Here we describe solutions for fatherhood and common father-son problems.

For years I have studied families and developed solutions for entanglements between parents and children (emotional incest) and between siblings. My descriptions and conclusions about the dynamics of intra-family codependence may seem uncomfortably close to the lives of many people. If you feel strong emotions as you read this ... please relax and distract yourself ... and consider seeking help.

Masculinity ... Becoming a Man

I find that masculinity, however I define it, can only be taught by men. Masculinity cannot be taught by a woman. Although many single mothers believe that they may be able to teach a son how to be a man - they will fail - boys need masculine role models. (Common role models are figures from television, cinema, sport and music ... perhaps not the best role models for maturity but maybe better than nothing.)

Sons who grow up without mature male role models may not know how or why to mature. And if their role models were women who were trying to fulfill a male role - such boys risk becoming effeminate.

Few men marry with the intention of abandoning, abusing or neglecting their children. Most men have good intentions to prepare their children for independence ... although good intentions are not enough. We help people build healthy relationships, which can reunite fathers with their adult sons, especially if they have experienced past disappointments or other problems communicating with each other.

Father-Daughter Bonding . Mother-Son Fixation

Sons Follow Fathers

Some men recognize the difficult behavior of their fathers, and want to give their sons what they never had. Some fathers are only interested in their sons if the sons copy their preferred sport or career. Some men see their sons as proof of their masculinity and try to make them as tough as possible, rejecting gentler qualities as weak. They might try to separate boys from their mother's influence as soon as possible, trying to make them independent and strong by emotional deprivation.

When these sons reaches puberty, such fathers might encourage them to treat girls with neither consideration nor responsibility. Such sons may grow up ashamed of any warm and loving parts of their personality, replacing their need for love with need for power. They may believe that they are showing love and care to their children through criticism and control.

Later, they may respond to their own sons with demands and barely controlled emotions. They may advise their sons to be realistic by preparing for unfulfilling lives, or they may want their sons do something great that they could not achieve. They might identify with their son's lives, especially if their own lives are not fulfilled, and smother the son's independence, unique personality and desires.

Although some chains of entanglement seem to go back many generations, we help motivated adults solve such trans-generational entanglements by telephone or Skype ... even toxic family habits that have been repeated for many generations.

Of course, there are many other father son issues ... some common ones are

In father-son emotional incest, a father sexually bonds to a son. This can be devastating for a boy; and later, as a man, he may feel unable to bond with a female partner ... or with any partner. As an adult he may fear being perceived as homosexual; or if homosexual, he may wonder if his sexual orientation (and much of his life) was created by abuse.

Sons and Rivals

A strong man arguing with a strong female partner is relatively healthy, if the communication is respectful and responsible. Unfortunately, parents often draw their children into their conflicts (see Parental Alienation). If the parents are too immature to resolve their own problems, children may try to protect one parent from the other.

A son may believe that his mother is a victim of a bad father, and sympathize with his mother. If a son agrees with his mother's criticism of her father, then the father may reject his son. As an adult, the son may seek a partner who is like his perception of his mother, and treat her in much the same way as his father treated his mother.

Such a son may ask a dangerous question ... "Is it possible that my father is OK?" The more a son perceives his father as OK, the more he may be criticized by his mother, "You're just like your father!"

Many people have told me that since early childhood they heard their parents' complaints and arguments. They often learned that complaining and criticizing are how normal women communicate; and that irritation and anger are normal male communications.

Fatherhood

Most mature men enjoy the responsibilities of fatherhood. Immature men complain about their lost freedom, justify their childish behavior, and may reject or abandon their children. Some immature men reject their children as rivals for their mother's love.

Many marriages start to fail after a child is born - a mother might be focused on the new child and forget or be too exhausted to care for her husband. Some fathers then experience age regression - feelings of abandonment and loneliness from their own childhood ... and react with strong childish emotions.

Few men are as motivated or experienced as women on how to talk about emotions. Instead, men more often try to hide their emotions - while resentment accumulates. Then a husband might act out in childish, spiteful and angry ways, and his wife might start to treat him as a problematic child ...

A son's transition from boyhood to manhood requires male sharing and caring. A mature father can support his son's experiences during adolescence, partnership and parenthood. Most sons seem to feel independent of their fathers at around age 28 to 34.

Tips for Parents

If you feel unable to accept some part of your children's character and their imperfections, it might be a consequence of your emotional habits from childhood. The most common are: a need to prove yourself through your children; your children remind you of immature people from your past or of parts of your own self that you reject; fear of loosing control and being unable to set boundaries; or trying to find a replacement for a missing parent or partner in a child.

If you often feel resentful about a child, consider that not all of your emotions may reflect reality. Some practical tips are:

1. Accept your children as unique human beings
2. Evaluate your life goals apart from your children
3. Avoid blaming your children for your own problems
4. Appreciate your children's initiative and competence
5. Do not expect your children to change for your comfort
6. Encourage children to make (safe) decisions and deal with consequences

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2010 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We help people define and achieve goals, resolve emotional blocks and improve relationships. This information is for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. Don't steal ... ask Martyn for permission to post or publish his work.