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Do you want coaching or workshops on
systemic coaching,
systemic family therapy, dissolving toxic family traditions and better
relationships?
Where are you now?
If you are a relationship coach, you will often be asked to mediate
family conflicts and quarrels. To do this, you will need top communication
skills, good diagnosis
skills - and individual, couple and family coaching skills.
Individual coaching is good preparation for the more
complex couple coaching - and coaching couples is good preparation for
the more demanding family coaching. Ideally, you will have already provided
over two thousand hours of individual systemic coaching and a few months of systemic
couple coaching.
Ideally you will have endless experience and calm authority,
but if you don't we can coach you.. Your first goal is to stay resourceful as you assess
family chaos. This is much easier if you have an effective plan or a proven flowchart.
Systemic Family Therapy - Flowchart . More on
Family Coaching
Systemic Coaching & Families
What is a family system? A useful definition is an entity of
semi-independent people who maintain equilibrium by predictable actions. A sick child,
for example, may motivate family members to solve problems; the family may avoid conflict
until
the child's health improves. Of all the hurts family members inflict, few are so hard to
remedy as those caused by equal justice we often all this family karma.
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Family arguments can seriously damage children’s mental
health later in life. If arguments are frequent as children are growing,
there is a dramatic risk that they will suffer mental health problems in
their 30s.
A team of psychiatrists and sociologists followed 346 boys and girls from
similar socio-economic backgrounds in New England, starting from age 5. At
age 15, about half reported that the number of arguments with their parents
and between their parents had increased, and 15 years later these people
were more than three times as likely as the others to suffer from major
depression, or indulge in drug or alcohol abuse.
They were three times as likely to engage in antisocial behaviour, and more
than twice as likely to be unemployed.
(Journal of American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry , DOI:
10.1097/chi.0b013e3181948fdd). |
We help people solve whatever stops them
solving their own problems. Our couple coaching helps partners resolve
partnership issues - and family coaching implies partners with children.
If the children are deeply troubled, individual coaching for them or for their
parents may not resolve whole-family dynamics. The momentum of individual
habits and family traditions may be strong.
Systemic Diagnosis . Emotional Incest
. Family Coaching
Where do you start?
We usually meet each parent or guardian first - alone - for
individual systemic coaching. Sometimes this is enough for the whole family to
change. For example if a family victim ceases being a victim -
everybody else changes their roles quite fast. We may invite the partners for
couple coaching. Often, systemic couple coaching is enough for partners to help
children build a healthy family.
Mother - Son Bonds
. Father - Daughter Bonds
. Sexual Affairs
First Family Coaching Session
The family may be wary. They may have hidden
agendas and they're wondering how much of their personal truths they're
willing to share. Even if they perceive you as an expert - they may be
scared you will expose something that they prefer to keep hidden.
And if they don't trust you - they may not show you their stuff. They
may hide how bad things are - their relationship habits and transference loops
- unless they have some confidence that you can help them through any
problem or situation.
A good way to start is to describe your knowledge of their situation
... "First your mother phoned me and said that she could not cope.
Then I met your mother and father together and then ... "
Family Coaching Flowchart .
Parent Coaching . Parental Alienation
Wishes & Requirements
Learn to distinguish between wishes and requirements in
relationships. Wishes are what we hope for - things that are not essential.
Requirements are often essential demands for a relationship to continue.
- Requirements are not negotiable.
- Requirements are behavioral events, not
personal traits.
- Requirements can be met or not. There is rarely
much room for doubt.
- Requirements have power; they are core to
who you are and what you want.
Goals &
Goalwork . Double Wishes
Questions for Family Discussions
Families are often most alive and involved when they are
solving family problems ... or fighting.
A common family problem concerns the debt of children to their parents. We
believe that children cannot repay their parents for their lives. They may try
to, but they can't. But any debt owed to the parents can be collected by their
own children, who hand it to the next generation.
In a family, when you give more than you get, you are enriched. We encourage
family members to discuss their needs ...
- What are my needs? Are my needs fulfilled?
- What can I do if my known needs are not fulfilled?
- How do I communicate my needs? How else can
I communicate?
- What are my responsibilities? How do I know
when I have fulfilled them?
If external problems are not exposed - you can volunteer to be a problem.
You can provoke the family into discussing how they can best deal with you!
Provocation & Provocative Coaching
Entitlement Issues
A sense of entitlement may lead to
children who are not
motivated to learn, earn or delay gratification. It is becoming a core problem in
America and other
Western countries.
Entitlement is a product of narcissistic societies where wants are confused with
needs and where people believe that they somehow deserves what other people
have. Instead of having to work for something, everyone is special.
Consider the consequences. If you give in to
every desire that your children express, you are nurturing a false sense of
entitlement which will likely lead to fairly predictable problems when they are
older.
You may want to give your children what you
lacked as a child, or what the advertisements say is good for them. Be mindful
of the consequences to your children when they are older. What will they
habitually expect when they are teenagers and adults? How will they react when
the "world" is not as generous (or as easily manipulated) as you are?
We can assist parents to say “No”, and to
give their children what is good for the whole family.
Embedded Individual Coaching
During family coaching, some issues will be
individual issues and others will be relationship issues. Both types of issues can resolved with the family watching,
or privately, depending on the wishes of the family. Resolving the consequences
of an ancestral
suicide or an abortion, for example, may be whole-family issues, while coaching a couple to
improve their relationship is more often extremely private.
We also offer our couple coaching
for resolving many other relationship issues ... for example sibling-sibling or
parent-child problems and to increase harmony between friends.
Building a
family
website that friends and family can see can
be an effective way to keep in touch in small doses to keep confrontation to a
minimum while helping members stay involved in each other's lives.
Individual Coaching Flowchart
Family Coaching Homework
Much of our family coaching homework concerns family members observing, recognizing and
dissolving transference loops and/or finding appropriate role models for
certain tasks or solving specific issues. We usually discuss the results of any
homework during the next session.
Online Coaching for People who
want Results
Plagiarism is theft.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers, 2005-2012 All rights reserved.
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