Double binds
may be verbal (e.g. a teacher says to a student "I will punish you to
improve your education!") or non-verbal (e.g. a manager says to an
employee "I know that even you can complete this task today!" while curling his
upper lip and shaking his head from side to side). If the addressed person
does not recognize and dissolve the double binds, relationship chaos can result.
Double wishes are poorly defined outcomes that contain
contradictions. If the addressed person cannot decide which message is accurate,
that person may withdraw from the relationship. Such people may be disappointed
that they cannot fulfill their goals, and miss opportunities for happiness.
Statements of desire (wishes) may have a similar structure to double-binds:
if a stated goal has two objects and one verb, (e.g. "I want peace and
happiness"). If the wishes are incompatible, attempts at fulfilling a
double-wish will fail.
You can evaluate a client's double wish by first noticing whether any verbal or
non-verbal incongruence is simultaneous or sequential, or whether a client displays
signs of conflict when changing wish polarity. Although a client may state
a goal - the underlying goal is often at at an existential or identity level,
to discover "What is important to me?" or
"What sort of person am I?".
The client may find two
conflicting possibilities. A well-formed outcome becomes possible
with the definition of a goal that fully incorporates the values of both
sides of the conflict, or following an internal change of reference that
rejects unwanted influences. (We refer to identity level influences as
relationship bonds.)
(The "visual squash" as taught in neuro-linguistic programming
(NLP) is often an unhealthy choice for coaching clients to resolve conflict. This
technique uses hypnotic
language to "double bind" the issues in conflict. The result of this
includes the re-emergence of the conflict (usually within three months) or
the manifestation of the conflict as
unpleasant emotions and psychosomatic disease).
The symptoms of identity conflict should not be confused with the
symptoms of a client who constantly changes goal contexts, rather than
oscillating back and fore between two polarities. This may indicate
Identification,
in which a person has "identified" with someone else, usually as a child.
Ecology is the Study of Congruence
Some double wishes may be dissolved conversationally. For example, a
simultaneous verbal double wish (e.g. "I want X and Y") can often be
dissolved by asking the client "Which do you want first? Do you want X first
so that you can Y, or do you want Y first so that you can X?"
However - this question will not make sense to a person with an
existential conflict. Such a person may answer "I want X so that I can Y
but I want Y so that I can X", or "It's impossible".
Resolving double wishes can be complex. Sequential incongruence
(e.g. A client says "I want X … no really I want Y …actually X is more
important… well Y…") usually indicates that a client's conscious
alternatives are only a part of, or indications of directions toward, what
the client truly wants. A congruent outcome cannot be found by choosing
amongst incongruent outcomes!
NLP practitioner training provides a set of questions (Meta Model)
for challenging people to specify goals, and SMART goals (from One Minute Manager by Keith Blanchard)
for recognizing a "well-formed outcome" (WFO). Our Coach Training
includes how to analyze goal well-formedness.
A presupposition such as "Ecology is the study of consequences"
implies that ecology can only be determined AFTER an intervention. We show that
Ecology is the study of congruence.
NLP & Conflict Resolution
I (Martyn) attended a number of NLP trainer trainings: with
Marilyn Atkinson's Erickson Institute,
with Tad James' Advanced Neurodynamics, with Wyatt Woodsmall's Advanced
Behavioral Modeling and with Steve and Connirae Andreas' NLP Comprehensive.
The techniques taught for dissolving conflicts were similar ... a hypnotic
integration of two visualized "parts".
Visual Squash
A NLP technique called "visual squash" is often used when coaching a client to
resolve internal behavioral conflicts in which two parts (also called
ego-states, complexes, partial personalities or
entities) communicate simultaneously about
a proposed behavior (both "parts" want something and fight
about HOW to get it). A "visual squash" can resolve a two part
conflict - if the coach's calibration and diagnosis are accurate.
If a client has more than two "parts" involved in a conflict, a "visual
squash" may lead to unpleasant emotions and somatic disease. If a client sequentially
oscillates between two goals, this may indicate a conflict of values
or identity. Such conflicts normally seem to have three, five or seven
"parts" with many levels of abstraction. We find that about 20%-25% of
Americans and Europeans (based on our trainings)
present this pattern of sequential incongruence.
[ Transcript -
Resolve Complex Conflict ]
A person identifying with one polarity may be amnesic of
decisions or actions made when identifying with the other polarity. (This may
indicate multiple personality syndrome and is commonly called
split personality.) Or a person identifying with
one polarity may remember but deny decisions or promises that were made
while that person was identifying with the other polarity.
A client's presenting issue may be an inability to make decisions,
in which multiple goals are incompatible with
each other. (An advantage of complex conflict is that the client can multi-track
or manage many projects simultaneously. A disadvantage is that such clients may
create conflicts that reflect the client's chaotic
internal mindscape. Extreme examples might be clients with gorge - starve
(binging) cycles.
[See Eating Disorders ]
Many clients want conflicting goals. For example, a client may
want a long-term stable job AND want a series of challenges with many companies. A NLP
"visual squash" parts integration might
motivate the client to find or create a position as a corporate troubleshooter,
for example, in which both partial personalities are satisfied.
Yet after a NLP "visual squash", many clients will
re-create their conflict, sometimes in a different context, in which the
conflicting desires surface as conflicting obsessions. Your clients
may also create a physical or emotional diseases to sabotage attaining incongruent goals. Hence
my desire to avoid NLP techniques that require hypnotic dissociation, submodality and timeline
changes.
Do you want effective and ecological solutions for complex
conflict and identity loss? Do you want to coach individuals, partners and teams to resolve complex
relationship challenges? Contact us.
Relationship Coaching ...
Systemic Coach Training
... Your Next Step
Martyn Carruthers:
Although I qualified as a NLP trainer many times, I stepped back from
NLP when I realized that I could not fulfill the claims made by
NLP trainers using the techniques taught during NLP training. I have since researched and
developed much that I lacked then,
particularly concerning goalwork, relationship ecology, systemic changework and relationship
coaching,
and I abandoned techniques that may damage people's relationships.
When you want complete packages for
personal development and how to coach individuals, partners, teams and
families, contact us.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2008 All rights reserved.
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