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Some people are difficult to coach.
Parents who do not want to change are amongst the hardest.
Difficult parents may be dependent or stuck in emotional states.
While many adult children of difficult parents medicate
themselves - we coach motivated adults to change
themselves.
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Between stimulus and response there is
a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response
lies our growth and our freedom. Viktor Frankl
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Do you have Parent Problems?
When you were a child, did you view your parents as
special? Did you wanted to enjoy their love and attention? Did you
want to be like them when you grew up? As an adult you may perceive
your parents differently. Probably you have changed more than
them. See Parent Coaching and
Sibling Coaching.
Do you feel trapped and frustrated by
emotional blackmail, rejection, manipulation, constant demands, guilt,
jealousy or criticism? Do you want to resolve parent
problems in mature ways?
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People who obsess about their
parents may be unable to enjoy healthy, happy lives!
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Some people lie easily and often.
They do not trust each another ... they do not trust themselves.
Truth is often most valued by people who had little of it in their
family. We coach people to share feelings and discuss experiences,
communicating with sensory images, metaphors and body language
as well as words. We help people understand each other.
You can remember that:
- Your difficult parents gave you life!
- How you respond can
help or hurt them!
- Your difficult parents may be quite like you!
- Your parents are probably doing the best that they can do
!
- Difficult parents have issues that
you may not have recognized
!
- If your parents could communicate well – they might not be so difficult!
- Few parents intend to be difficult - they
also respond to crisis and past trauma!
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Maturity: Seeing Parents as Ordinary Human Beings
Parents may complain about
their children or justify their own behavior. Very few say that
they want to change themselves ... especially when older than
fifty-some. Even if they agree that they are problems for their
children - they may say, "You can't teach an old dog
new tricks", or something equally dull.
Here are a few descriptions of parent behaviors
that you may consider difficult, and tips for surviving or tolerating
them. Many older parents cannot imagine that change is possible or
desirable ... and they are likely fulfilling or repeating the training
or conditioning given to them by their own parents.
What Makes Parents Difficult?
1. Withdrawn parents may seem to have little to
contribute and wait passively. They may answer questions with "I
don't know" and seem to withhold information or refuse contact.
They may be in a real or imagined crisis, or they may have lost
sense of self (identity loss) in
some trauma or in a
cult.
- Be patient!
- Avoid nagging them to tell you more.
- Ask open-ended questions that require more than
yes or no answers.
2. Aggressive or sarcastic parents may
try to force their viewpoint on you and may attack verbally. They
may feel angry because they feel helpless in intolerable situations
such as a hospital or an old folks home. Angry parents may be
responding to some perceived injustice,
be bonded to a parent, or have
identified with a victim.
- Avoid attacking them.
- Try not to blame them, nor to defend or justify yourself.
- Ask them to relax and explain calmly what they
want to say. (Just listening peacefully may provide a calm space
for discussing priorities, goals and strategies.)
3. Know-it-all parents may consider themselves
expert and show little patience for your ideas. They may be expressing
their own entanglements or they may feel
superior (or inferior) to their children.
- Avoid feeling intimidated - just watch the show.
- If they must take over all
talks - why not let them?
- Listen to them carefully and consider their points of view.
4. Victim parents may complain that they are
being treated unfairly. They may blame and justify ... endlessly. They
may be responding to past victimization
or they may feel victimized now.
- Avoid trying to parent them.
- Sympathy won't help - compassion may
- Ask them for specific suggestions to
improve their situation.
5. Melancholic and “No-parents" may say
little good about your or anybody else, and instead try to convince
you that you cannot help them or that their problems are your fault.
They may have suffered a recent loss, be
codependent or have
identified with a dead person.
- Avoid trying to reform them.
- Avoid blaming them for your emotional reactions!
- Invite them to suggest alternatives. (They may
withdraw if you ask them to be constructive.)
6. Passive-aggressive and “Yes-parents” may pretend
to agree with you to gain your approval ... and later tell people how terrible
you are. They may have suffered abuse or betrayal, or have been
damaged by a mentor.
- Ask them what they want ... plan some goals.
- Coach them to follow through on what they agree to do.
- Discourage them from agreeing to more commitments
than they can handle.
Responsibilities of Adult Children
If you try to parent your parents, or if you want them to
take responsibility for you, you are likely to suffer in predictable ways.
We find that the primary responsibilities of most adult children include accepting
parents' decisions, providing them with appropriate information, discussing
individual and family goals, and discussing ways that they can achieve their goals.
You need not accept responsibility for your parents lives!
That's their job; and if you do, and your parents fail to achieve their goals,
you may suffer guilt and they may seek ways to punish you! And if your parents
do achieve their goals, they may feel even more dependent on you!
Rather, help your parents set their own goals,
dissolve their own blocks, create strategies for accomplishing their
goals and testing the results, and identify areas where they need coaching.
Help your parents own their emotions, their health and their consequences.
You and your parents can intentionally develop mature,
respectful relationships. Such adult relationships are
one of the goals of our work, based on dissolving emotional blocks and
enhancing relationship skills. We coach motivated adults to choose, define and
achieve goals, while they are responsible for remembering their goals, for
taking steps to attain them and for enjoying their success.
We help people communicate. We coach motivated adults
to respond to difficult people in ways that make sense. We coach
people to define and fulfill their goals. We help people be
emotionally mature.
Click HERE for the
Next Step
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers
2009-2012 All rights reserved. |
