|
Do you want a great relationship but you feel enmeshed in difficult relationships
or painful emotions?
Do you suffer from childhood abuse, your
parents' drama or an ex-partner's demands?
We help motivated adults untangle their lives and prepare for partnership.
Dating
. Pre-Marital Coaching
From Singles to Partners
Selecting a dating partner with view to a long-term
relationship is neither easy nor trivial. The consequences of your choices
will haunt you. Providing that you know what you want, recognizing some
simple behaviors can help you choose an appropriate dating partner. Here's a
useful checklist ...
- Single
- Optimistic
- Sense of humor
- Shows up on time
- Sexual orientation
- Takes care of own body
- Not entangled with a parent
- Manages own responsibilities
- Reliable; follows agreed plans
- Resolves conflict constructively
- Discusses your and own feelings
- Takes control or follows as appropriate
- Enjoys affection and physical intimacy
- Has ended previous intimate relationships
- Uses intoxicants occasionally or not at all
- Has one or more personal friends for years
- Shows interest in your feelings and activities
- Expresses anger and frustration appropriately
- Respects your physical and emotional boundaries
- Accepts feedback without becoming offensive or defensive
How would you assess yourself? Maybe ask a good friend or a
past-partner to rate you on these same qualities. Your self-perception may be a
little too hard ... or too generous. Your good intentions, warm feelings and nice thoughts may
not be enough to attract an appropriate partner or to make a partnership work.
Many people lose themselves in their work, sport, hobbies or other
life issues? They lack dating or relationship skills ... or they forget
them ... or maybe they never developed those skills. Good relationship
skills are not magic, yet they can have a magical effect on life.
Many people seek a partner to complete them. They
believe that their happiness depends on someone else. They evaluate opportunities
through a filter of loneliness. "I can't go there, do that ... by myself" They
may ignore opportunities and hide from life.
Mind the Gap: What
about an Age Differences?
There is as much stress when starting a partnership as when a
partnership breaks down, except that you are more likely to have more optimism at the
start. Its important to notice if you be yourself when you are with
him/her. Other indicators of relationship stress are whether a potential partner
...
- Enjoys your friends?
- Both talks and listens?
- Asks for your opinions?
- Deals with own emotions?
- Can pay monthly expenses?
- Over-uses drugs or alcohol?
- Loses his/her temper easily?
- Has other interests besides you?
- Acts frustrated or hurt if you are busy?
- Has good relationships with own family and friends?
If you are single, well-meaning people may offer you shallow advice. They mean well, but shallow advice usually lacks
practical details about how it may be
accomplished, and how to handle the consequences. Is your life a testing ground
for other people's ideas?
- How can you 'pull yourself together'?
- How can you relax about a cheating partner?
- How can you end a crisis and return to normal life?
- How can you act joyful, if you feel depressed and
confused?
- How can you find a new partner when you lack energy to go
out after work?
Answers for these questions may not be easy and there are no
foolproof solutions. Each relationship is unique. Problems need specific,
appropriate solutions, with acceptable side-effects. And few coaches, counselors
or therapists offer our
systemic solutions.
Many people expect the love of their life to magically
appear without any effort on their part. This common belief may result from
children's stories and television. Good relationships don't just happen except
in books and movies. Take responsibility for your love relationships as you
would for your career, health and finances.
Cultural Exchange: Intercultural Partnership
Predators & Misogynists
There are many predators out there - some with
faces of angels and tons of experience in deception and bluff. The lower life
forms may not try to hide their lack of skills or lack of commitment ... cheap
and shallow relationships may be all they aspire to.
Higher up the feeding chain are people who are
married but who want 'fun on the side', and they are prepared to lie, betray
and deceive to get it. They make strong cover stories and they can often be
quite eloquent ... until any form commitment is discussed.
See Affairs and
Signs of Affairs.
Some warning signs are:
- Emotional bonding is for idiots
- They want you to act impressed
- They only contact you when they want sex
- Commitment and exclusivity are bad words
- They want you to make them feel important
- They don't want to hear about you, they want
to brag and complain
- You are supposed to be on call 24/7, waiting for
an opportunity to see them
And of course - for some people this is great and just what
they want too!
Single Parents & Dating
Some people, after separation or a partner's death, are so
overwhelmed by their emotions that they do not support their children,
especially when their children are quiet. See Divorce Coaching
and Children of Divorce.
Your children may distract themselves and say little,
which you may interpret that the children don't understand or don't care about
what's happening. Yet withdrawal often means that the children are in
distress, pretending disinterest while hoping for miracles. Few children
can verbally express their feelings about their parents' separation, or about
the absence or death of a parent.
|
I didn't know how to talk to my
daughter about her father. Usually I felt so angry that I criticized
him. After a few sessions with you, I could tell
her good stories about him ... My daughter relaxed a lot. She can now
smile and laugh with her Dad. Thank you! Essex, UK |
Children need patience, wisdom and
special care when their parents separate. Many people ask their parents or
relatives to look after their children for a time, while they sort out their
finances and emotions.
Compare this report from California with your
hopes for your children's happiness ...
- 63% of youth suicides are from
fatherless homes
- 85% of all youths in prison are
from fatherless homes
- 71% of all high school dropouts
are from fatherless homes
- 71% of teenage pregnancies are
to children of single parents
- 75% of children in
single-parent families will experience poverty
- 90% of all homeless and runaway
children are from fatherless homes
- 85% of all children with
behavior disorders are from fatherless homes
- 75% of all adolescents in
chemical abuse centers are from fatherless homes
Regain Normality
If you become a single parent, perhaps your first priority may
be to recover your identity ("Who am I, really?"). We can help
you heal
any disappointments and trauma, and deal with any sadness, anger,
anxiety and other unpleasant emotions. We can coach you to nurture yourself, find your strength and then build relationships
on strength instead of weakness. (See
Single Parents)
Avoid committing
too soon when you feel infatuated. Those powerful feelings might distort your
clarity. You might ignore character flaws to avoid loneliness. And you might
miss a more appropriate partner.
Perhaps date several people to maintain clarity. When you do
choose one person, move slowly, including towards the bedroom. Take time to be
certain that this relationship is ideal for you.
Online Coaching
for Healthy Relationships
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
2007-2012 All rights reserved
|
