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We offer coaching and training on systemic family therapy,
codependence,
family secrets and relationship entanglements.
For me, codependence is about self-destruction.
Codependence is about thoughts, feelings and behavior that cause suffering.
Do you repeat behaviors that bring unpleasant, painful or unwanted
consequences? Do you do things that you don't enjoy for other
people? If you do, codependence might be about you.
Are you Codependent?
Codependent behavior often indicates cross-generational
relationship entanglements. Two common forms are
mother-son codependence and
father-daughter codependence. The results
are people who are only attracted to immature partners - and people who sabotage
their own partnerships by obsessing about their own children. (Beware of
codependent therapists).
Are you
in a destructive relationship? Do you sabotage healthy relationships? Do you
try to hide yourself? Codependent behavior is linked to serious diseases such as
schizophrenia,
bipolar disorder, depression and
stress. Codependence is also associated with
anxiety and hypochondria.
Codependence is so common in some Western countries that
it may seem normal. Evaluate television romances and lyrics of love music.
Codependence is expected in some countries. If you are healthy and independent,
you may be called selfish, arrogant and uncaring ... by people in parasitic,
codependent or symbiotic relationships.
Codependent Relationships
People in healthy relationships deal with conflicts openly
and quickly. Immature people often hide conflicts until they emotionally explode
... often over tiny details. We coach individuals, couples,
families and teams to build effective relationships with security and intimacy.
Some people seem to disconnect from others. They
enjoy few or no friends, and often suffer unpleasant relationships with family
members or work colleagues. For disconnected people, codependence
may be a step towards health - a step away from isolation - and a step away from
suicide.
But in a codependent relationship, you cannot be yourself.
You must hide your identity and what you want. To do this, you probably
have deep beliefs about not being good enough or being unworthy,
and that you can only express love by denial, suffering and sacrifice.
If you are an adult, and a child in your family perceives you
as a victim, the child may identify with you and suffer
victim identification, often blaming or even hating the person whom the
child perceives as your victimizer. (Our solutions help prevent
victim-identified children becoming chronically angry and suspicious adults.)
Codependence may also follow vanishing twin
syndrome, in which a twin dies during the first few weeks of pregnancy.
This death of a twin may have a huge (unconscious)
impact on the life of the surviving twin, who may continually seek
a lost Soul Mate, and suffer a chain of codependent relationships.
Many cults, sects and extremist organizations are based on
codependence and attract codependent people. Our
exit coaching can help people leave cult-like
organizations and live a life based on independence and
emotional freedom. We
can coach you to set your spirit free ...
Entanglements
. Exit Coaching .
When Coaching Fails .
Difficult Clients
Professional Codependence
Codependent people cannot be present in relationships.
They forget who they are, and may focus only on what other people want.
Codependence is a poor start to any relationship and a terrible quality for a
coach, counselor or therapist. Yet codependent people
seem to recognize and attract each other.
Codependent coaches, counsellors, trainers or therapists are
unlikely to support healthy independence, and may try to sabotage healthier
relationships! Codependent counselors or therapists may delay recovery to
prolong their obsession to help ... and their clients may be expected
to finance their obsessions.
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Following your coaching, I said
goodbye to my therapist after four years of therapy ... she helped me do many
little things and I came to depend on her. She was so nice to me that I forgot
that I was paying her $200 per hour to be my Mom.
BC, Canada |
Are you a helping professional?
Are you fixated on a parent? Do you behave in codependent ways towards your
patients and clients? Do you delay your clients' recovery by your dependence
on their sickness? Or can you do your work without sympathy or entanglement?
Can you untangle codependent relationships? Choose a coach
or therapist who is grounded in his or her own healthy reality; someone who
is without sympathy yet with mature compassion. "Healthy relationships
are the best healing agents".
Self Evaluation
Even though you may long for peace and happiness - do you
always seem to sabotage yourself?
- Have you forgotten what you want?
- Do you want people to look after you?
- Do you have difficulty saying what you want?
- Do you judge
your own goals as unimportant?
- Do you avoid stating your goals, needs or wishes?
- Do you value other
people's wishes over your own?
We can coach you to discover what you want, and how
you want to achieve it. Defining and achieving goals reflects your sense of
life. We can coach you to mature - to live with integrity - the
core of who you are.
Denial & Procrastination
Are you a Cleopatra? Cleopatra was the queen of de Nile.
- Do you minimize, distort or deny how you feel?
- Do you hide your feelings about
your childhood?
- Do you avoid identifying
or labeling your feelings?
- Do you avoid your feelings or avoid expressing your feelings?
We can coach you to become the person you
are - and to appreciate yourself. If you consider the consequences of not changing ...
you may better enjoy transformation.
Compliance
Some trainers of hypnosis and NLP define hypnosis as "uncritical
acceptance of suggestion". What percentage of your life are you
in trance? Your eyes are open and you can walk and shop -
but have you guarded the the doors of your perception?
- Can you state your own opinions?
- Are you loyal to people who hurt or harm you?
- Are you dedicated to
other people's happiness?
- Do you participate in sex when you don't want to?
Psychosomatic disease is common in people who do
not communicate their personal truth. Instead, their bodies communicate for them -
sometimes in unpleasant ways. What does your body communicate (through symptoms)
that you try to avoid saying? What does you body try to say for you?
Protection, Control & Codependence
It seems to be right and natural that adults protect
their children, and control their children's behavior until the children
are independent adults. It seems appropriate that employers control their
employees behavior at work. But for codependents,
there may be no borders, no context ... and no exit.
- Do you offer endless good advice?
- Do you act as if most people
need your care?
- Do you offer or withhold food or sex to get what you
want?
- Do you tell people what they should
think and how they should feel?
Responsibility vs Competence
Responsibilities can irritate children and
immature adults - and responsibility can be a prison for codependents. If
you take responsibility for people who are neither your children nor your
employees, or if you want other people to take responsibility for you, you
are likely to suffer in predictable ways. You are not alone; we coach people
to resolve codependence and build lives that make sense.
Would you like to
benefit from our experience?
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2010
All rights reserved.
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