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We offer coaching and training on systemic family therapy, codependence,
family secrets and relationship entanglements.

For me, codependence is about self-destruction. Codependence is about thoughts, feelings and behavior that cause suffering. Do you repeat behaviors that bring unpleasant, painful or unwanted consequences? Do you do things that you don't enjoy for other people? Do you allow people to do these things to you? If so, codependence might be about you.

Are you Codependent?

Codependent behavior often indicates relationship entanglements. Two common forms are mother-son codependence and father-daughter codependence. The results are people who are only attracted to immature partners - and people who sabotage their own partnerships by obsessing about their own children. (Beware of codependent therapists).

Are you in a destructive relationship? Do you sabotage healthy relationships? Do you try to hide yourself? Codependent behavior is linked to serious diseases such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression and stress. Codependence is also associated with anxiety and hypochondria.

Codependence is so common in some Western countries that it may seem normal. Evaluate television romances and lyrics of your favorite love music. Codependence is expected in some countries. If you are healthy and independent, you may be called selfish, arrogant and uncaring ... by people who tolerate or encourage parasitic, codependent or symbiotic relationships.

Codependent Relationships

Mature people in healthy relationships deal with conflicts openly and quickly. Immature people often hide conflicts until they emotionally explode ... often over tiny details. We coach individuals, couples, families and teams to build effective relationships with security and intimacy.

Some people seem to disconnect from others. They enjoy few or no friends, and often suffer unpleasant relationships with family members or work colleagues. For disconnected people, codependence may be a step towards health - a step away from isolation - and a step away from suicide.

But in a codependent relationship, you cannot be yourself. You must hide your identity and what you want. To do this, you probably have deep beliefs about not being good enough or being unworthy, and that you can only express love by denial, suffering and sacrifice.

If you are an adult, and a child in your family perceives you as a victim, the child may identify with you and suffer victim identification, often blaming or even hating the person whom the child perceives as your victimizer. (Our solutions help prevent victim-identified children becoming chronically angry and suspicious adults.)

Codependence may also follow vanishing twin syndrome, in which a twin dies during the first few weeks of pregnancy. This death of a twin may have a huge (unconscious) impact on the life of the surviving twin, who may continually seek a lost Soul Mate, and suffer a chain of codependent relationships.

Many cults, sects and extremist organizations are based on codependence and attract codependent people. Our exit coaching can help people leave cult-like organizations and live a life based on independence and emotional freedom. We can coach you to set your spirit free ...

Entanglements . Exit Coaching . When Coaching Fails . Difficult Clients

Professional Codependence

Codependent people cannot be present in relationships. They forget who they are, and may focus only on what other people want. Codependence is a poor form of relationship and a terrible quality for a coach, counselor or therapist. Yet codependent people seem to recognize and attract each other.

Codependent coaches, counsellors, trainers or therapists are unlikely to support healthy independence, and may try to sabotage healthier relationships! Codependent counselors or therapists may delay recovery to prolong their obsession to be a helper ... and their clients may be expected to finance their obsessions.

Are you a helping professional? Are you fixated on a parent? Do you behave in codependent ways towards your patients and clients? Do you delay your clients' recovery by your dependence on their sickness? Or can you do your work without sympathy or entanglement?

Can you untangle codependent relationships? Choose a coach or therapist who is grounded in his or her own healthy reality; someone who is without sympathy yet with mature compassion. "Healthy relationships are the best healing agents".

Self Evaluation

Even though you may long for peace and happiness - do you always seem to sabotage yourself?

• Do you remember what you want?
• Do you want people to look after you?
• Do you have difficulty saying what you want?
• Do you judge your own goals as unimportant?
• Do you avoid stating your goals, needs or wishes?
• Do you value other people's wishes over your own?

We can help you explore what you want, and how you want to achieve it. Defining and achieving goals reflects your sense of life. We can coach you to mature - to live with integrity - the core of who you are.

Denial & Procrastination

Are you a Cleopatra? Cleopatra was the queen of de Nile.

• Do you minimize, distort or deny how you feel?
• Do you hide your feelings about your childhood?
• Do you avoid identifying or labeling your feelings?
• Do you avoid your feelings or avoid expressing your feelings?

We can coach you to become the person you are - and to appreciate yourself. If you consider the consequences of not changing ... you may better enjoy transformation.

Compliance

Some trainers of hypnosis and NLP define hypnosis as "uncritical acceptance of suggestion". What percentage of your life are you in trance? Your eyes are open and you can walk and shop - but have you guarded the the doors of your perception? Or are you following post-hypnotic suggestions?

• Can you state your own opinions?
• Are you loyal to people who hurt or harm you?
• Are you dedicated to other people's happiness?
• Do you participate in sex when you don't want to?

Psychosomatic disease is common in people who do not communicate their personal truth. Instead, their bodies communicate for them - sometimes in unpleasant ways. What does your body communicate (through symptoms) that you try to avoid saying? What does you body try to say for you?

Protection, Control & Codependence

It seems to be right and natural that adults protect their children, and control their children's behavior until the children are independent adults. It seems appropriate that employers control their employees behavior at work. But for codependents, there may be no borders, no context ... and no exit.

• Do you offer endless good advice?
• Do you act as if most people need your care?
• Do you offer or withhold food or sex to get what you want?
• Do you tell people what they should think and how they should feel?

Responsibility vs Competence

Responsibilities can irritate children and immature adults - and responsibility can be a prison for codependents. If you take responsibility for people who are neither your children nor your employees, or if you want other people to take responsibility for you, you are likely to suffer in predictable ways. You are not alone; we help motivated adults resolve codependence and build lives that make sense.

Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2010 All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers. We coach and train people to define and achieve goals, to resolve emotional blocks and to improve relationships. This information is for your general knowledge only. Please consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing any medical treatment. You must get Martyn's written permission to post or publish his work.