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If your partner is
having an affair,
what should you do and what should you
avoid?
Here is some important information.
Affairs and
Infidelity
. Signs of Affairs
. Recovering from Affairs
Many people react emotionally when
they discover they have been betrayed. Strong emotions such as anger,
fear, guilt or a desire for revenge may motivate behaviors that are
later regretted - behaviors which may limit choices and complicate
any chance of building a healthy relationship.
During the stress of threats to partnership, many
people age regress and act like disturbed children. Whatever crazy things
other people do, I hope to help you not to sabotage your
flexibility, your work or your sanity. Whether you want to stay together
or to separate, at least avoid making the situation worse. Here are some
things to do and some things to avoid.
Many people having affairs are somewhat
passive aggressive ... afraid of their own emotions and of other
people's reactions. Did you have an affair and keep it secret? If so,
you may feel guilty and think that telling your partner the truth will help
you relax. All that normally does is burden your partner and maybe trigger
separation! We can coach you to manage your guilt.
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I wanted him to know the truth. After a
horrible month he told me that I should have kept it to myself. I realize
now that I only told him to try to reduce my own guilt. It didn't work.
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What Can you Do About a Partner's Affair?
This is a delicate time. You may be wrong about your partner -
but even if you're
right, an affair need not mean the end of a partnership. Affairs can be passionate
and romantic; and they can be destructive and hurtful. Often they are both.
1. Stay adult ... don't act like a child!
Observe and consider what's going on. Gather
information to help you make intelligent decisions. Monitor your partner's
activities, attitude, frequency of contact with a lover and other details
concerning the affair. Journal what's happening without becoming compulsive.
Perhaps you can work things out.
You're not a masochistic detective
- so why act like one? Avoid obsessing about details and focus on the big picture - you
only need enough information to make decisions and to plan your future.
And maybe it was partly your fault. Were you
overly concerned with your career, sport or the kids? Take responsibility for your
past actions or lack of actions and learn! We can help you make this terrible
time a learning experience so that you can avoid repeating it in the future.
2. Stay strong ... don't act like a victim!
You may want to tell people about your partner's infidelity,
and
have friends and family on your side. Be cautious and confide in
someone you can trust. Confiding in opposite sex friends may trigger sexual
advances. Some people may try to take advantage of you while you're in a
vulnerable state.
Telling your partner's friends or family
may be counter-productive. They might not take you seriously. Or they may
lie, make excuses, take your partner's side, or warn your partner to change
his or her behavior. Confiding in your family and friends can later
come back and haunt you.
People usually remember unpleasant events long
after they've been resolved. If you and your partner reconcile, people may
continue to show anger towards your partner, or judge and criticize you.
Be careful about who you tell. (Some of our online clients never tell us their
real names.)
3. Confront your partner - denial is not a river in Egypt.
Denial usually makes things worse. While it is
shocking to
discover that a partner is cheating, deal with it. Ignoring infidelity
may be taken as tacit approval to continue an affair. Confront your
partner with proof of infidelity
to save time. Say that you know about the affair and
that you want it to stop.
Confront your partner sooner rather than later.
The longer you wait to express your disapproval, the more you will be radiating
nonverbal disapproval and the more they may bond to each other. Affairs need
secrecy. Tell your partner that you know about the affair.
We hold that most people should quickly confront
their partners about any cheating. Develop a plan. Choose a time and place in
which you can discuss
the affair and the consequences at length and without interruption.
4. Have Proof, Plan, and Purpose - don't
be vague or wishy-washy.
Do not ask your partner if he or she is
cheating. Minimize space for lies. Present the evidence you have that proves
an affair - names, dates, places, times, absences, phone calls, physical
evidence, etc.
Ask about the affair: why and how it started,
how long it's been going on, how they feel about each other and what they
intend to do now that you know. Listen carefully to the answers, maybe take
notes and try to assess the situation calmly. Then you can make better decisions
about what to do.
5. Focus on YOU AND YOUR PARTNER - don't be a
masochist!
Avoid obsessing about the third person. Probably
you feel curious, but it's not worth your time and energy. Avoid interrogating
your partner, or dragging that person's name into conversations. Don't obsess
about the details of what they did together.
Concentrate on working things out. Do not
humiliate or frustrate yourself by asking the other person to leave your
partner alone. Threats or harassment will break the law. Name-calling,
criticizing or belittling the other person may cause your partner to defend
their affair ... you may push them closer together. Focus on
deciding whether to rebuild your partnership ... or what?
Do you want to save or end your partnership?
That depends on how you handle things when you first discover the affair.
At first, you may be unsure exactly what you're going to do. But at least
you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay or leave, clear the way for
whatever decision you make.
Usually, the best thing you
can do is to ask your partner directly.
You may not want the raw details ... you want information to make some decisions.
What can you do when Your Partner is Having an Affair?
Most people having intimate or sexual affairs try
to hide them. But regardless of how well adulterers think they are
concealing their betrayal ...their behavior changes.
There are many signs.
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I was shocked when I found that my
wife was having an affair ... I was shocked at my naivety. Many of
the signs you list were there. I just didn't want to see them.
Phoenix, Arizona |
Probably, you cannot make your partner change! Instead of
blaming your partner, review your own behavior.
What are you doing - or not doing - that you can change? Is your partnership
important enough that you want to change? If yes - we can help
you!
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My partner had an affair at work.
We didn't want to divorce but we became distant
... you helped us build a real
partnership, not a long affair. Perth, Australia |
What do you really want? Stability? Power? Success? Community
approval? For your children to have two loving parents? Know why you
want to continue partnership with your partner. Why do you want to be in
this partnership more than you want to be out of it? Why do you want to
stay with this person?
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Hey man - like what planet are you
from? I was meeting this chick ... she found your stuff on affairs and
made me read it ... so what if I'm married ... I want some fun!
Anonymous |
You have more chance of recreating a happy partnership if you
can accept that part of the reason for your partner's infidelity may be you.
How do you show love? How do you expect love to be shown? We coach
partners how to express and receive love! While we think that coaching is better
before than after an affair, many people wait until they have suffered
a lot before they improve their partnership skills.
Heal your Partnership after an Affair
Romantic affairs (not one night stands or
dirty weekends) often last for a few months to a few years.
Short-term solutions to fix and forget affairs
may not resolve transferences
or expose underlying enmeshments.
We can help you heal emotional fixations and rebuild lasting happiness
with our online coaching.
Or we can coach you both to untangle and separate peacefully.
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My husband read your article
about affairs and came home early and caught me! I was just having
fun with a neighbor. He didn't need to know! Now he's angry and the
children are all upset. I wasn't so bad. How can I make him calm down?
Minnesota |
Affairs need not destroy a partnership, although we
continually find that guilt, recriminations
and transferences can tear couples apart.
We coach many couples who are ready to separate or divorce to learn
from their relationship experiences, recover and begin wonderful
new partnerships together.
Happy Partnership after an Affair
Your partnership can be better than you might imagine.
We help people heal their broken hearts and restore their lives. We help couples find
themselves and each other as a basis for a new relationship together - based on
being real people - not on entanglements, transferences or romantic fantasies.
Predictable Partnership
. Enjoy
Partnership . Evaluate Partnership .
Partnership Breakdown
Joyous lasting partnership can result when partners
know and respect each other's values and needs; and cooperate to fulfill the
needs of the family. We can help you improve your partnership skills, heal
your damaged relationships and resolve the consequences of romantic affairs.
Online Coaching - Recover from an Affair
Plagiarism is theft.
Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2002-2012 All rights reserved
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