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Are you entangled in stressful relationships or painful emotions
with a sibling?
Do you suffer from childhood anger or trauma associated with a
brother or a sister?
We coach people to untangle and improve difficult
family relationships.
Continued from Part 1:
Problems between
Brothers & Sisters
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I wanted to write a simple article on the
consequences of birth order ... yet the existence of siblings
(living, dead, aborted or missing), vanishing twins and the behavior of parents
create complex patterns of family dynamics. (And if two families with children
merge - everything I describe here will likely be more complicated ... click
HERE) Martyn
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Sibling Rivalry
If the birth order is changed, for example if an older child
is weak, leaves or dies, a younger
child may try to adopt the responsibilities of the older child. This
results in role confusion, with emotional displays and perhaps fights. Then, sibling rivalry is common. The children's fighting will probably
reflect unresolved family issues, not just childhood problems.
Younger children who try to adopt the responsibilities
of a dead or missing first child may experience emotional problems ...
problems that can vanish if the true birth order is re-established.
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I was diagnosed with depression
shortly after my older brother emigrated. During your coaching I
realized that I tried to take his place and hold our crazy family
together ... and I couldn't ... and that I paid a high price for
my efforts. Zagreb, Croatia |
Parents often reward compliant children, and chastise children
who are not so obedient. Such favoritism can result in angry children, who show
their anger by bullying siblings or tormenting each other. Later in life this
childish anger, if not assimilated, may lead to estranged family members.
Siblings may fight to communicate emotions, to establish
dominance or to gain parental attention. When coaching families
- I avoid favoring one sibling and resist acting as referee
(sibling fights often appear irrational at first). The most intense emotions and
fights seem to surface over inheritance issues.
Few parents teach children how to express or deal
with anger. More likely, parents punish their children for daring to be
angry. The result - most children learn
to hide their anger. The common consequences of hiding emotions
appear to be emotional explosions, split-off parts (inner
conflict), self-criticism and psychosomatic symptoms. Other consequences
include depression, paranoia and mental disorders.
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My brother and I have been estranged
for years ... during our sessions I found that I was giving him enormous
emotional energy ... it was like he was embedded in my body ...
Oregon, USA |
Adults who feel irrational anger towards adult siblings may
attempt to justify their anger by listing all possible reasons for it,
including early childhood irritations and disappointments. If an adult
sibling is blamed for childish behaviors, that sibling
may sever connections with some or all family members.
If a sibling dies or is given for adoption, the fact
that the sibling ever existed will likely influence the lives of the
other siblings. If a pregnancy is ended by
miscarriage, stillbirth or abortion,
the subsequent children will deal with this loss (even if they are not told about
it!). Another potential loss may occur when a multiple pregnancy results in one living
child (see vanishing twin).
Sometimes, a family member may convince a child to reject or alienate
a sibling. If the child later discovers that the sibling is normal - the child may then reject
the interfering family member.
We help people recognize their part in family conflicts. We
help them identify what they do that stresses or annoys a brother or sister
and why they may want to irritate each other. We can explore how
they provoke each other, and ways in which they can
communicate peacefully.
My older brother was the first son and first grandson in
our family. He bullied me yet was always proclaimed right and blameless by
our parents. I competed with him to gain our parents’ attention, of course
unsuccessfully. Failing that, I became the black sheep and, in time, found a
fulfilling life.
When my brother, the golden child, failed to fulfill his
(and the family’s) immense expectations, he became a black sheep
and continued to gain maximum attention from the family, albeit negative. He
tried to commit suicide, gave up ambition, rejected contact with the family
and now seems only able to form lasting bonds with pets. He will not seek help
as he believes himself smarter than any coach or therapist.
Since my brother's failure, I got positive attention (for a change) from my
family: they suddenly started to see me, but placed their immense
expectations on me, the ‘last one standing’. Fortunately, I was mature
enough to laugh their expectations away and keep good relations with them.
I confess a strange satisfaction when my brother failed, a sense of, “I told
you he was wrong” – something I longed our parents to recognize during our
childhood. Also, “I too exist”, a confirmation that I give myself now but as
a child I needed from my parents.
Skopje, Macedonia |
Family Chaos
As children grow up they can choose to
maintain and strengthen their relationships. This is easier if this they
start when they are young, as later, the younger siblings may wait for the eldest
to initiate contact, and do little themselves. This sad situation may continue
until they grow old and die.
Children from chaotic homes who do not feel loved,
may feel dissociated or out of control. They may feel disconnected
from their parents and from other siblings. Children who stop tolerating
their family chaos may feel an urgent, existential need to
leave their homes. Some never return.
When family members are entangled and in conflict
with each another, one or more family members may experience symptoms
of mental stress or physical
(psychosomatic) illness.
Superficially solving a problem in one part of the family may
trigger a problem in another part of the family!
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My father was bipolar and my
mother was chronically ill. My sister and I looked after them ...
and we fought about how to care for them. Our fights included
slapping and shouting. You showed us how we were repeating our parents
patterns (I had become father!) Since our sessions we can cooperate
peacefully. Rijeka, Croatia |
Family stress can be increased by
perceptions that a sibling is someone else. Sometimes a sibling is alienated
because of a resemblance to a problematic family member, or to some event (real
or imagined). While prejudice and cruelty may play their part,
more often the underlying issue is some wild
transference or identification. I may ask
them, "Do you want to change your emotions and habits - or do you only
want to complain?"
Parent-Child Bonding
A father often bonds to the
youngest daughter, while a mother often bonds
to the oldest son. This can lead to jealousy
amongst siblings - irritations that may continue during their adult lives.
This common situation is more complicated if children look after their parents.
An adult child who feels unable to participate in life, except as a caretaker to
a dysfunctional parent, may bitterly resent freer siblings.
Some parents seem to favor children who are
like themselves (this favoritism may override the birth order of the
children). If a parent dislikes his or her partner, however, that parent may
reject children whose behavior resembles the partner's behavior - or cause the
children to reject the other parent. In parental alienation,
parents manipulate their children's emotions and beliefs for personal
gain and/or to cause their partners to suffer.
Brother-Sister Bonding
Children under family stress may cling to each other for
support or survival. Emotional incest
between siblings can result in relationship bonds that limit future
partnership. A person who is emotionally bonded to a sibling may not
seek a real partner - or may only seek potential partners who have
qualities similar to that sibling.
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As a girl I was fascinated with my
older brother. As an adult I searched for men
like him, but after a month or so I couldn't stand to be intimate with them and
left. Since our coaching, my life has changed. I want a man, not a
brother! Chicago, USA |
A similar situation may
arise if a sibling died or was miscarried or (especially) aborted. Many people
who appear to seek a soul mate, may fantasize
a missing person's qualities and seek a partner with those qualities - as
a replacement for a dead brother or sister! Such people may fall in love
(and out of love) rather often.
See also Vanishing Twins.
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My mother had an abortion, but I never
thought about it. During couple coaching, I realized that I didn't really
want a male partner - I wanted an elder brother! I married a man whose sister
had died - he wanted me to replace his sister! Since our coaching we see each other wonderfully differently. Ljubljana, Slovenia |
Sick, Abnormal & Exceptional Siblings
Brothers and sisters may be irritated by extra attention given
to sick, abnormal or exceptional siblings, especially if that attention
appears unjust (for example attention to an especially good looking child).
Siblings of children who are seen as exceptionally bright or talented
might feel lost in their shadow, and do things to gain
attention - even unpleasant attention may feel better than no
attention at all.
Young siblings may feel jealous of a sick child who gets
more attention and gifts than they do, or because adults are more lenient with
sick children. These children may complain of feeling ill themselves, or
become preoccupied with their health and stressed about
minor health complaints. Some children may feel that a sibling's illness
is their fault - they may believe that some argument or fight caused
the illness. Or they may feel guilty for being healthy.
Few children want to be different to other children, and
abnormal children and their siblings may carry a stigma. Siblings may
both protect and resent a brother or sister who is blind, deaf or
disabled.
(I find that children of helping professionals
and teachers seem to show far more strange medical or emotional problems
(especially ADD/ADHD for children of teachers) than children of
non-helping professionals. This may gain the attention of parents who
give professional love to other children).
Systemic Solutions for Families
Family chaos can be deadly. Children often walk emotional
tightropes, between being overwhelmed by the needier parent, being rejected by the stronger,
and losing self in family conflicts. To prevent and to heal this, we
often coach
parents to develop their emotional maturity.
Much of the damage caused by parent-child alliances and
rejections can be rectified if the parents can lovingly confront their relationships (and
consequences) with all family members ... only then can secrets be safely exposed, can
family stress be
relieved and can distressed families transform.
If the parents do not take responsibility for family
harmony, do the adult siblings want to resolve their issues? Or do they only want
to avoid difficult conversations? We coach people to clarify their relationships and transform problematic emotions
as they build healthier relationships.
Back to Part 1:
Problems between
Brothers & Sisters
Online Coaching & Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers 2008-2012 All rights reserved
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