|
Are you entangled in limiting beliefs
about yourself or the world?
Do you want emotional freedom
from your family' background?
1. Introduction to Bonds &
Fixations
. 2. Bonds, Fixations & Identity Loss
Relationship Bonds & Beliefs
|
Although businesses spend fortunes to influence your
behavior at the shopping mall and at the poll
booth, these forms of manipulation and abuse are minor compared to the influence of
parents, teachers, priests, doctors, etc).
|
 |
Your beliefs - your answers to What feels true or
right? -
may be largely determined by your early relationships, particularly with your parents. (e.g. most people follow their parents' religion and political
views.) If you are bonded to dysfunctional or unhappy people, you may have
irrational beliefs about yourself and your world, and behave obsessively or
compulsively, unable to enjoy life or success.
When we coach couples to enjoy partnership, we often find that one or
both are unpleasantly bonded to a past-partner
or to a parent, and that fixed ideas (mind
virus) from
these people often
lower commitment and motivate self-sabotage,
affairs and separation.
Most relationship bonds
originate in early relationship trauma - most toxic beliefs are created during abandonment,
betrayal, separation and chaos, especially during early childhood. These
disturbances may be intense experiences (e.g. a child experiences
an event that the child cannot assimilate), or
a parent or mentor repeatedly communicates that a child is somehow bad or
evil).
Relationship fixations are a common consequence
of abuse and mentor damage.
People who are bonded to parents, ex-partners etc often behave in inappropriate
yet predictable ways. We help people find lasting solutions for
mind-virus-like obsessions.
Relationship fixations may be contextual or
existential, and conscious or unconscious. This article is about people who are
bonded to overly responsible or irresponsible parents or parental substitutes.
(People who are simultaneously bonded to conflicting parents may show
identity conflict as they sequentially act
out both sides of their parent's conflicts. Extreme cases may be diagnosed by
clinicians as bipolar disorder ... often one parent was hyperactive and
the other was depressed).
Signs of Fixations
Fixated people often show obsessions, compulsions or
obsessive-compulsive behavior.
Bonded people are often obsessively responsible or irresponsible, either
in some context (e.g. work or home) or in all of their lives. Some
other behaviors associated with relationship fixations are:
|
Responsible Behavior |
Irresponsible Behavior |
- not rest
- be perfect
- manipulate others
- offer irrational loyalty
- victimize self to serve others
- are compliant to any authority
- overwork to get what they want
|
- be lazy
- be imperfect
- not care about others
- betray loyalty - even to self
- victimize others to serve self
- disrespect and disobey authorities
- complain that they can't get what they want
|
Bonded people rarely realize that they are acting like robots.
If anyone, even trusted friends, point out their obsessive behavior, fixated
people may lash out with attacks, blame, excuses and complaints.
|
Fixated Leaders & Managers |
- avoid all risks
- seen as defensive
- perceived as weak
- cannot delegate key tasks
- overwhelming fear of criticism
- cannot formulate specific goals
- cannot plan for ongoing success
|
- delegate all tasks
- seen as aggressive
- attempt foolish risks
- perceived as a dictator
- overwhelming fear of failure
- cannot formulate abstract visions
- cannot plan for defensive problems
|
Characteristics of Bonded People
People with fixations may damage or destroy themselves, their family,
their work, their relationships and/or their environment to fulfill their
beliefs. Some common characteristics of fixated people are ...
- They may feel special or chosen.
- They may be impulsive and/or stubborn.
- They suffer - for them suffering may feel normal.
- They may lie or evade questions about their feelings.
- They don't understand or may ridicule normal behavior.
- They may criticize themselves and others without mercy.
- They may have difficulty maintaining quality relationships.
- They may display certificates, collections, awards or trophies.
- They may tell their truth in harmful, insensitive
and abusive ways.
- They may seek counterfeit love
through fantasy, romances or affairs.
A First Step to Health may be Suffering
Suffering is often the first step to resolving fixations. The
depression or pain
of loneliness, futility, or of asking "Is that all there is?"
can motivate a search for solutions. Yet many people, particularly men, resist
solutions. When they come face-to-face with their issues, they often
respond with denial or emotional explosions. (Repeated denial of strong emotions
may precipitate psychosomatic disease).
Suffering often precipitates conflict. Conflicts may be higher
and more frequent when people start to feel their emotions and pain that they have
long avoided. A key question is whether people are willing to experience their pain
so that they can experience their transformation? Have they suffered enough?
Coaching Fixated Adults
Coaching people to change relationship bonds is not trivial.
Few people are aware of their bonds, and even fewer will connect their
inappropriate or dysfunctional behavior with their relationship history.
- Build trust (bonded people may only trust
people with similar bonds; e.g. same religion).
- Gently discuss and expose bonded behavior - which may be
shocking. As bonded people recognize the consequences of their fixed
ideas, they may need time to assimilate them.
- Follow our coaching sequence. (Avoiding or ignoring difficult steps
leads to short-term results.)
a) Goalwork
b) Relationship diagnosis
c) Dissolve objections, resistance and conflicts
d) Recover own identity
e) Replace relationship beliefs
f) Dissolve original relationship disappointment
g) Find healthy mentorship
- When coaching bonded adults:
a) If you lose trust, a person will withdraw.
b) Remind people that they are neither unique nor alone.
c) Expect suspicion and unfair criticism (and some angry outbursts).
d) If in doubt, refer bonded clients to someone with expertise in dissolving bonds.
e) Don't expect much credit for effective coaching - expect
people to forget how bad it was.
Are you Fixated?
If you suspect that you suffer from toxic relationship bonds,
particularly cross-generational entanglements such as unwanted family traditions,
seek
a systemic coach or therapist. Inappropriate coaching, therapy or hypnosis can
cause
mentor damage and damage your ability to
bond!
| >>Are you saying that beliefs are etheric (and tangible in that
realm) constructs that connect us to our world and influence our behavior ...
and that beliefs that don't serve can be dissolved once discovered ...
regardless of source?<< Oregon, USA Yes
... if the person is mature, motivated to change and has appropriate guidance.
Martyn |
Don't live in denial. We coach people to change emotional
bonds and limiting beliefs. Don't let your partner or children suffer
from your fixed ideas. You are not alone. We can help you.
Part 1. Introduction to Bonds ...
Part 2. Bonds, Fixations & Identity Loss
Online
Coaching for Relationship Bonds
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2005-2012
All rights reserved.
|
