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Being adopted can be wonderful ... and being adopted can lead to
emotional problems,
identity loss and unhealthy relationship habits.
Adopting a Child
Did My Parents Abandon Me?
Many babies are conceived by people who do not wish to raise
them ... and do not wish to abort them. Many couples wish to experience or extend
parenthood. And so some children are adopted. Adopting children can be joyous and
exciting - and adoption can have unforeseen consequences.
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All my life I feared being abandoned. As a
teenager I was told that I had been adopted as an infant. But I had felt a sense
of loss since I can remember and I feared it happening again.
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Adopted people are different to each other ... they are not a
homogenous group. What applies to or works for one person may be
inappropriate for another! Also, some adults who were adopted as young
children have no memories of their birth parents; some children are told that
they were adopted, and many people who were adopted as babies assume
that their parents are their genetic parents.
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I don't belong to this family! I'm nothing
like my mother ... nor my father!
I've always felt that
I belong somewhere else! Canada
(This teenager was adopted as a baby
but was never told about it ...
yet his also-adopted sister was very content with the same family.)
Martyn |
Some adopted children have histories of multiple foster placements,
abuse and neglect, rejection and abandonment as well as disjointed education. In
some countries, abandoned children may be sold as little more than slaves ...
and even this may be preferable to a slow death by starvation.
Who am I?
Some people who were adopted as children are searching for themselves. While
almost everyone seems to question their identity sooner or later, building and
maintaining a sense of personal identity seems to be more complex and challenging
for people who were adopted.
Although adoptive parents choose how much secrecy and openness they
encourage, in our systemic coaching it often seems that there ain't no
such things as family secrets.
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I was born in Asia and adopted by a Danish
couple. My problems came from my overwhelmingly
white school. I could never be one of them. I was an outsider for ten
years.
Even now, as an adult, I am not sure who I am. Denmark |
Being adopted as a child can create
special problems for both you and your adoptive family.
Common problems include unmet expectations and poor adjustment.
A key issue is how well the adoptive parents coped with
the problems associated with adopting and raising children.
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My mother was adopted as a young child.
When I was young, she would threaten
to take me to a children's home. That was a background for my childhood.
London |
Did you lose something?
Adopted children often lose family and ancestral information.
They lose
relatives and a sense of connectedness to their ancestors and sometimes to their
culture. They may also experience little sense of personal identity. People who
search unsuccessfully for their biological parents, or who feel rejected by their
genetic parents often experience a traumatic double loss.
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I was told as a child that I was adopted at
birth. For most of my life I have felt low energy
... it feels like my life energy is sucked into my adopted parents.
I am diagnosed with chronic fatigue. |
People who were adopted as children may express
identity loss as
pervasive health and emotional problems, attachment
disorders, nightmares and
learning disabilities. This can lead to
adults with poor social
skills and delayed emotional development, perhaps
showing signs of passive aggression ... or
just plain aggression.
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I was adopted at age 4 ... my step-father
started abusing me when I was 12. My step-mother would get drunk when it
happened. A schoolteacher told me that my stepfather would go to prison if I
informed the police. I ran away from home at 14 ... I made enough money as a
prostitute to go to university ... I now have a M.A. in criminal
psychology. |
Systemic Family Coaching
Adopted children may not discuss their early family, yet
reflect them in every action as relationship bonds.
Adopting a child can be a blessing - or can result in chaos for the family
and the separation of the adoptive parents. A key is that potential adoptive
parents enjoy a stable and happy partnership ... adopted children
will test all theories.
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I was adopted ... my step-parents made it
clear that they adopted me in return for my helping them when they got old
... I was their investment and insurance policy ... I feel huge guilt for
leaving them but I feel that I would have died if I stayed. |
Adoptive parents may not find appropriate assistance. Some
parents found that they "had to educate the professionals whose
job was to help them" (Smith et al, 1999).
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The
Center for Adoption Support and Education (CASE) was created in the USA
in 1998 as a not-for-profit organization with a mission to strengthen the
well-being of adoptive families through education, training and collaborations
within the adoption community. |
Suggestions for Adults who were Adopted
1. Respect your genetic parents
Following adoption, some adoptive parents criticize or condemn
the biological parents. We suggest that you research your genetic parents and
contact them (or think of them) with respect ... even if - or especially if -
one or both genetic parents are missing, alcoholic, dead, in prison, or avoid
meeting their children. Very often, the more you can respect them, the more
you can respect yourself!
2. Respect your adoptive parents
Adopted children are often very sensitive to the emotions,
moods and conflicts of their adoptive parents. Express gratitude to your
adoptive parents, regardless of their behavior.
3. Focus on your maturity
Don't try to take sides between real
and adopted parents. You do not have to choose any parent or step-parent
as being better in any way than any other parent. Perceive your adoptive
parents as substitutes for your genetic or biological parents. Focus
on setting and achieving worthwhile goals.
4. Do not blame anybody
Do your parents or step-parents blame you for their own problems?
Do you blame them for yours? Remember that your step-parents are substitutes
for your parents - and that you cannot bring Mom and Dad together again.
5. Minimize change
Adopting you created many challenges and changes for your
step-family. As continuity is important - make your environment as familiar
as possible, including your favorite things, photographs, etc. Live in a home
- not just a building.
6. Meet your genetic parents
Explore how you can have maximum benefit
and happiness if or when you meet a genetic parent. Compliment your genetic
parents as much as honestly possible. Expect tears ... yours as well.
7. Talk about your feelings
During stressful times, you may age-regress (act childishly).
Talk to good friends about how you feel, and about what you think or imagine is
going on. When you express your feelings ... don't blame, complain or criticize
... talk about the emotional experiences in your body and what they might mean.
While some adopted people have difficulties relating to adoption, search and reunions; many have excellent
experiences of adoption, searching for relatives and
reunions. We help adults explore and accept
their personal and ancestral history ... and to move on with their lives.
Online Coaching & Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2004-2012 All rights reserved |
