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Are you enmeshed in difficult relationships or confused by unpleasant emotions?
Do you suffer from your parents' drama,
your partner's demands or other people's moods?
How do you FEEL?
Do you believe that your emotions are senseless body
reactions? Do you believe that some emotions are negative - because
you don't like how they feel? Or do you believe that most emotions have purpose
and direction? Maybe you're not sure, or maybe you believe that only
pleasant emotions are useful, and that unpleasant emotions should be
cleared, released or drugged away.
I and my graduate students continually rediscover that
all emotions appear to be meaningful and full of purpose - even unpleasant,
irrational
or uncomfortable emotions. Emotions are about your history and your values - your feelings give
you information about whoever or whatever was or is important. Yet many people
do not seem to recognize the importance of their feelings - nor of their
relationships.
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Ask a man how he feels and he will
probably tell you what he thinks.
Ask a woman what she thinks and you will likely hear what she feels! |
For example, we find that anger is not negative
... anger usually indicates perceived injustice. In the same way
fear usually warns of risk, and
sadness generally communicates a sense of loss. And so on.
Dissociated
people may tell you that
emotions don't exist ... that they are just conversational postulates or
metaphors or stupid. This may be true for them ... we call it identity loss ...
and we often help people recover and access their emotions and evaluate their
feelings.
Although women may appear to be more sensitive of their
feelings than men, it seems that men can feel just as strongly, but many men have been taught not
to discuss or show their feelings ... except perhaps motivation and
sexual interest.
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If you ask a man to describe his feelings,
"Not bad" may be the best he can say! |
Emotions are generally appropriate to the events in which they
originated. In our view, emotions are not positive or negative,
although many people have been taught to ignore or deny their feelings (often
releasing the internal pressure in emotional explosions).
For us, emotions are communication.
Changing Emotional Habits
How do you react to being too tired, feeling ill
or bad news? Do you automatically fall into some unpleasant emotion, such as
moodiness, pessimism, or worry? You can change your habits.
Moodiness
Do you want to disturb other people with your inner states? This
requires that you submit to any fleeting emotion or act impulsively. Or do you
assume that you
are
out of control. Sharing is not always caring.
Pessimism
Although chronic pessimism can indicate depression,
we can help you improve your moods by exploring the messages within your
seeming 'pessimistic' worries, thoughts and ideas.
Worrying
Chronic anxiety often includes a fear of future possibilities. When
you're stuck in worrying, first get your mind out of the loop. If you feel trapped in worry or internal chatter,
we can help you change.
Emotional honesty can support your health. If you deny,
dissociate or hide your emotions, you can cause physical, emotional,
mental or relationship problems. Ignoring or distorting your emotions denies
your emotional needs, which
can lead to a variety of unpleasant consequences.
Emotional Needs
Dr Abram Maslow contended that as humans meet basic needs,
they seek to satisfy successively higher needs. These needs can be put into a
hierarchy that can be useful when planning.
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Which basic needs must be
fulfilled so that higher needs can be fulfilled? |
| 1. Body |
2. Safety |
3. Love |
4. Status |
5. Actualize |
Warmth
Sleep
Food
Sex |
Health
Finances
Sense of home
Security |
Attractive partner
Family
Affection
Companionship |
Admiration
Respect
Confidence
Achievement |
Fulfillment
Solve problems
Morality
Integrity |
Most people who ask us for help have already
achieved Body and Safety, and are struggling with Love and
Status. Some people who contact us are seeking Actualization - and
have satisfied their more basic needs. A few want Actualization but lack
Safety, Love or Status ... just wistful thinking?
Emotional Entanglements
Most emotions appear to represent relationships ... yet
emotions often motivate regressive and dysfunctional behavior. How does
this work? Explore how you respond emotionally to people.
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Change Emotions to Change Relationships
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- Do you feel that you cannot discuss your feelings?
- Do you frequently feel criticized or humiliated?
- Do you feel isolated from friends, family
or other people?
- Do you feel you cannot have money or
other resources?
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- Do you feel like you're swinging between two
emotional states?
- Do you feel you must have sex, even when
you don't want to?
- Do you feel that you are treated as a
child or as a slave?
- Do you feel afraid of or anxious about
some people?
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Emotional Health
Emotionally healthy people can manage
their thoughts, feelings and behaviors. People who generally feel good about
themselves can enjoy deep, lasting relationships and solve problems quickly.
Sometimes, life's challenges can trigger apparently
irrational emotions or emotional symptoms. Healthy people can cope with
stress and resolve problems quickly - and they know when to seek help.
Here is a simple hierarchy of relationship health that I made back in 1996:
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Relationship Health |
| Disconnected |
Dependent |
Symbiotic |
Healthy |
Suicide risk! No quality relationships |
Victim
Love is dependence |
Victimizer
Love is power |
Security
Love is duty |
Trade
Love is barter |
Happiness
Love is sharing |
Fulfillment
Love is living life fully |
As few disconnected people
contact us, and as healthy people tend to sort out their issues
quickly, we help many couples who might be called
dependent
or symbiotic (and they may hate those words).
Parasites, Codependence & Symbiosis
Parasitism is about one member of a system benefiting
by harming the other. Perhaps a criminal or trickster may try to befriend you
in the hope of some gain or advantage. (I confess myself
to be generally suspicious of strangers and salespeople who call me 'friend'!)
Codependence is about need, addictive relationships and
clinging to emotional preferences. Emotionally dependent people may try to exploit,
lie, insult, demean, deny, manipulate and control you. We find that codependence
is often a game of power and victimization.
Symbiosis is about staying together from either a sense
of duty, or from a marketplace attitude of trading favors. (Although people in
symbiotic relationships generally offer value for value.) We find that symbiotic
couples often carefully remember who did what for whom.
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I could not even imagine a healthier
relationship. When my wife said that she wanted a happier marriage,
I criticized her! It took a few sessions before I could agree with her ...
thanks for your couple coaching. Bristol, UK
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Emotional First Aid
If something is causing you
to feel that you are overwhelmed or losing control of your emotions, ask yourself:
Can I do something about this?
If
NO, then explore why you feel angry / anxious / fearful? Is it
emotional baggage?
If YES ... what can you do? Choose options, set goals, get coaching and tackle it!
Our Emotional Coaching: Overview
- Explore feelings, objections and conflicts that limit or
prevent you
- Label your emotions and conflicts - become conscious of
them
- Explore what your emotions communicate and motivate
- Explore the relationships associated with your emotions
- Define your relationship goals (your own goals for
relationships)
- Define relationship goals (partnership, family and team
goals)
with those people
- Clarify and resolve relationship conflicts and other
problems
We can probably help you manage your emotions and
create healthier relationships.
Online Emotional Coaching & Mentorship
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2007-2012 All rights reserved.
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